open for suggestion.

Hi. My name is Lauren Sauder and I have a problem.

I'm tired. (Okay, that may not seem like a "problem", but I promise it is.)

When anyone ever asks me how I'm doing these days, that's my typical response.

"Oh, I'm good. I'm just so tired."

Seriously, if you just looked at my calendar it would probably make you tired too. For example, in the month of April there were only 3 days that Steven and I didn't have something marked in. It's true. Whether it's having someone over for dinner after work, a meeting at church, or a support appointment out in the suburbs, the Sauders are constantly on the go. Now, I don't say that to brag about our popularity because, well, that would be just silly. We are far from popular. I say it more as a confession: We are far too busy and it's starting to get to me.

It's a confession that my tiredness is a sign of my sinfulness.

I admit, it's my own fault that I'm so tired. And it's my own fault that my poor husband is so exhausted too. You see, I make it this way. I plan our life in a full throttle, all or nothing, "let's get the job done and move on" kinda of way. And it's exasperating. Even if we do manage to have a quiet night at home, it never ends up feeling that way. Either I feel guilty that we aren't doing anything or I'm busy thinking of what needs to get done next and nagging Steven of his "to-do" list.

Gee, don't I sound fun? (I told you I had a problem.)

The truth of the matter is that I've lived this way for quite some time and I've always thought of it as a good thing. I like feeling the sense of accomplishment when I can cross things off my list or when I look back on all the things we did last month. I take pride, too much so, in the fact that I'm not a lazy person who struggles with procrastination or complacency. Yes, I even pat myself on the back frequently for this "go-getter" attitude of mine.

Woohoo, way to go me.

But lately, life has started to catch up with me. And in my attempt to work hard at raising full support so we can be on our way to Thailand, I have completely exhausted myself.

And my sin has been fully exposed.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
~Matthew 11:28-30

My sin is that I live in direct opposition to this invitation from Jesus.

He says, "Come to me and I will give you rest."
But I say, "No. I can do it myself."
Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I say, "No it's not. There's so much wrong in the world, so much pain, so much to do, so much to fix. Your burden is so heavy."

And because of that, I act as if I am God...or maybe just that I don't need God. I act as if I don't trust God...or maybe just that I have more faith in myself. I act as a prideful person who wants all the glory...or maybe just as someone who's too impatient to wait for God to do the work. Regardless, no matter how I look at it, it's sinful and wrong.

And the bottom line remains the same: I love being busy, taking matters into my own hands and out of God's. And I don't know how to stop.

You see, my problem is not new to me. I've known for quite some time now that I struggle with this. But here's the hard part: I don't know how to change. Jesus says that faith without works is dead. But then He also rebukes Martha for being too busy to rest in Him. How do I love God and serve Him wholeheartedly without feeling like His burden is so much to bear?

I don't know how to balance the two. And to no surprise, I've never been good with balance in my life. Obviously, I know the alternative--the other side of the scale. It's to slow down, not take as much on, spend time with the Lord, learn how to love Him without being a busy body. All good things.

But honestly, and really honestly, I think I view those things as mere excuses. Excuses to being lazy. Excuses to living comfortably. Excuses to ignore God's calling for your life. Excuses to doing nothing.

And there within me lies the problem. I'd rather be a tired person living out my convictions than a lazy one who just talks about them. As wrong as that may be, it's why I stay the way I am. It's why I don't know how to stop being busy. It's why I don't know how to change.

And so, there it is. A confession that my tiredness is a definite problem that is in need of some serious intervention. I know this is something that sleep won't fix. It's a matter of the heart, a cycle I have created and not let go of. So, I'm open for suggestion. Or prayer. Or rebuke. Or all of the above. Anything that will show me how to truly rest in a healthy and fruitful way in the Lord.

Business AS Mission.

With all the talk about our upcoming plans, I thought I'd dedicate this blog to help people gain a better understanding of what in the world we're going to be doing.

Most people know the basics: We're going to Thailand. For 3 years. With the hopes of doing business. Business as mission. Seems simple enough. But naturally, more questions arise.

One of the big ones we've encountered so far is, "So...what IS 'business AS mission'?" Well, I'm glad you've asked.

But if it's okay, I'm going to defer the question to Bill Job. He's the President and Founder of Kingdom Business in China and, below, he defines the real meaning of business as mission and his belief that true business creates eternal value. It's a powerful 4-minute video illustration that sheds light on the possibilities of how a workplace can become an incredible ministry field. And well, we would be honored if the Lord would let us be a part of something like this in Thailand.

Take a look.

My ABCs of tHaNkFuLlNeSs.

Spring has sprung. Yes, indeed! Oh my, how I love, love, love SpRiNg!!! I love closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, smelling the fresh air, and feeling the heat of the sun on my face. Ahh...there's nothing better. I don't know about you, but something inside of me comes alive again in the springtime. Life just seems so much more refreshing and vibrant.

Naturally, this great springtime mood also causes me to be much more thankful. I was driving with the windows down the other day, just taking in all that was wonderful and good, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude and thankfulness overcame me. I started to not only thank God for His beautiful creation that faithfully buds anew every Spring, but also for the beautiful people that He has placed in my life throughout all its seasons.

I am truly blessed. And I'm learning that this is not because of my material possessions, but rather because of the people I get to walk this journey with.

And so, without further a due, here is my ABC list of thankfulness. A characteristic for every letter of the alphabet that describes a person I am blessed by and thankful for. Yes, I could have highlighted 100 different people whom I dearly love and adore, and maybe I will some day. But for now, here's just 26 wonderful, amazing, and deeply appreciated people God has placed in my life to mold, teach and change me. I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

A is for animated. Animated is for Jasmine.The first time I heard of Jasmine, Steven had called me on his way home from a Campus Crusade meeting. All he said was, "Lauren, you've gotta meet this girl. She's this happy, bouncy, crazy, girl who is interested in missions. You'll love her." And well, 4 years later, all I can say is that Steven was absolutely right. I do love her and her fantastically animated personality.

B is for beautiful. Beautiful is for Leila.Need I say more? Leila's mommy has an amazing blog about sweet Leila Lou. It's pretty much the highlight of my day when she posts new pictures and stories about this beautiful baby girl. Man, I just melt. Don't you?

C is for cool. Cool is for Matt & Aimee.Okay, "cool" may seem corny, but hear me out. My brother and sis are cool for a couple of reasons. 1. They're so much fun and they're just the kind of people that you want to be around. 2. I always thought of Matt as such a cool kid when I was little. He was the the guy in high school that everyone loved, that everyone thought was funny, and that everyone respected. Plus, he was the captain of the football team and well, that was just cool to me. I loved telling people that Matt was my brother...I was so proud. 3. Matt & Aimee are the most "cool, calm & collected" couple you'll ever meet. Although Leila has sometimes caused them to be a little more "on edge" these days, for the most part, they've still remained abnormally laid-back. (Sometimes I think Steven wishes they'd rub off on me a little more...)

D is for deep. Deep is for Margie.My amazing mother-in-law whom I thank God for A LOT. With all the horror stories you hear about mother-in-laws, I know I'll never have one to tell. From the very beginning, Margie opened her arms and heart to me and embraced me as one of her own. Some of my deepest conversations have been with her and I just love how I can count on her for compassion, sympathy, understanding and grace.

E is for effective. Effective is for Kaitlin.Just spend a day with Kaitlin and your life will be affected. Listen to her music, it's effective. Talk to one of the kids she invests her life in, they'll tell you she's effective. Meet up with her for coffee, you'll leave with a better understanding of how to spend your life having an eternal effect on others. She's such an inspiration.

F is for fun. Fun is for Justin & Jenny.This one is self-explanatory. Anyone who has spent time with these two know what I'm talking about. Between Justin's wittiness, Jenny's boisterous laugh and bubbly personality, and their flirtatious banter with one another, I always seem to be smiling and enjoying life when they're around. I couldn't imagine these past few years without them.

G is for giving. Giving is for Michael.If you're having a bad day, Michael is there. If you need a friend to run errands with, Michael is there. If you want a companion in the kitchen, Michael is there. If you're scared to study abroad alone, Michael is there. Miguel, my friend, thanks for always giving so much of yourself to everyone and anyone.

H is for honest. Honest is for Traci.I love a lot of things about this girl. And I mean, A LOT. But, if I had to narrow it down to my most favorite thing about her, it's her honesty. No matter what's going on with her, she's always had enough courage to be honest with me and tell me like it is. I love that. And I really respect that. It's refreshing to have a friend like her--for me, she provides a place that's real and authentic.

I is for integrity. Integrity is for Dad.My daddy. He has such integrity. I used to think this was something that all dad's possessed. Growing up, I thought the way my daddy lived his life was how all men, all dads, all people lived their lives. I was wrong. The more I grow up, the more I appreciate and respect the man my dad is. Yes, sometimes I make fun of how "inside the box" he is, but I love how he "plays by the rules" and always does what is right.

J is for joyful. Joyful is for Kori.Kori and I are a match made in heaven. Seriously. God knew what He was doing when He made us roommates for one short summer. As soon as I met this girl, love and joy just radiated from her. And I knew instantly, she was someone I definitely needed to be friends with. Kori's my go-to-girl when I'm feeling down and need a pick-me up. She knows how to love people well and has a way of making people feel genuinely valued. She's an absolute joy in my life.

K is for kindred spirits. Kindred spirits is for Brett & Liv.Ever just meet someone and feel like you just connect? That's how Steven and I feel about Brett & Liv. As one of our friends would say, we have great "couples chemistry". Not only are Liv & I extremely similar, it just so happens that our husbands are best friends and quite similar to one another as well. One time Steven was telling Brett of a stupid fight we had just had and it turned out that Brett and Liv had the very same one too! We're just connected like that--or maybe just equally as crazy. :)

L is for leader. Leader is for Steven.I mean, I hate to brag, but my husband is pretty awesome. He's pretty much the best guy I know. He's the one I trust with my whole heart. He's the voice of reason in my life. And he's the leader I'd follow anywhere. Yes, even to Thailand. :) But really, Steven's just one of those natural leaders that people tend to follow. I think it's the way in which he lives his life with such drive, determination and hard work that people naturally respect and trust him. Under God, there's no one I'd rather have lead me.

M is for magnetic. Magnetic is for Charlotte.People travel from all over to see Char--or atleast my family does. Spend one day with her and you'll understand why. She's just *magnetic*. You just want to be around her. You want to love on her. You want to be a part of her life. I've learned so much from Char in the short time I've been her nanny. She's such a trooper with such an optimistic outlook on life. She's never thrown a temper tantrum, never pouted because I said "no", and has the sweetest demeanor and personality. To put it bluntly, she's given me a very unrealistic picture of parenthood. This precious girl, without a doubt, has drawn me in and captured my heart.

N is for noble. Noble is for Steve.Noble: Having or showing qualities of high moral character, such as courage, generosity, or honor: noble spirit. The definition says it all. That's my father-in-law. I so respect the life he lives and how he uses his blessings to bless others around him. I admire the way he has raised his family and I know a lot of the things I love about Steven stems from characteristics he saw in his dad.

O is for open. Open is for Peter & Lindsey.Oh how I love my friendship with the Nelsons. It's so open. So vulnerable. So freeing. Steven and I feel like nothing is off limits when we talk with the Nelsons. And while that may seem weird, it's actually really wonderful. Our friendship is a place of confession and grace. It's somewhere where I can be open with my failures and trust that they're gonna love me anyway. They've probably seen the worst of me, but they've still stuck around. And well, that's pretty great.

P is for principled. Principled is for Joshua.I have a confession: I was kinda scared to meet Steven's brother, Josh. He knew what he stood for and what he's about...and that was extremely intimidating! But now that I know and love him, I realize that I had nothing to fear. While Josh is a highly principled person with a high standard of living and faith, he's also this really sweet, endearing and loving goof.

Q is for quaint. Quaint is for Andrea.She's charming. She's crafty. She's artsy. She's my baking buddy that puts my cakes to shame. She's the kind of person who will spend hours in her kitchen just to make you something special. And she doesn't just do it because she's good at it, but more so because that's how she loves on people. And yum, her love is reaaaalllly delicious.

R is for respected. Respected is for Grandma and Grandpa.Anytime I think about life without these two, the tears immediately start to well up. They've been such an intricate part of my life and have always been the people I deeply admire and look up to. Just listening to them talk about their lives in the internment camps during World War II, you can't help but have a great respect for how much they've overcome and how they've kept a positive attitude through it all.

S is for servant. Servant is for Mom.Yes all mothers are servants. But I think my mom takes the cake. Example: When I was teaching and living at home, I would have to leave the house by 4:30 am. My dear mother would wake up with me every morning, pack me a lunch and send me on my way with a homemade breakfast burrito in hand. I mean, who does that? It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was to me. In fact, it was so impactful, that I told Steven when we got married that I wanted to do the same thing for him. So there I was, trying to be a serving wife, waking up with him and making him breakfast every morning. This lasted for two months, tops. So while I surrendered to the comfort of my bed and more sleep time, I learned a valuable lesson on my mother's sacrificial servanthood throughout my lifetime.

T is for tender-hearted. Tender-hearted is for Doug.My brother is crazy. Everyone knows that. My brother is hilarious. Everyone knows that. My brother is one of the best story-tellers around. Everyone knows that. But, what many may not know is that Doug is one of the most tender-hearted people I know. It's, what I think, one of his best qualities. Yes, he's the life of the party, but he's also a deep feeler who cares for others and is just genuinely sweet. He's the kind of guy who swallows his pride and says he's sorry if he's hurt you. He's the kind of guy who takes his dad out to the Chinese food and a movie just to spend some time with him. He's the kind of guy who often calls his sister just to say "I love you".

U is for unwavering. Unwavering is for Kyle.Unwavering is a characteristic you definitely want in a doctor. And well, Dr. Kyle is just that. Whether it's working crazy hours at the hospital, studying for big exams, or just figuring out life as a new resident in Wisconsin, Kyle always seems to remain steady and full of faith. He doesn't sweat the small stuff and when I'm around him, I'm encouraged to do the same.

V is for vulnerable. Vulnerable is for Kaiti.I have always admired Kaiti's ability to be vulnerable with others. It comes so naturally to her and stems from her teachable and humble spirit. I remember our long chats while she was in Peru, going through high highs and low lows, all the while being very open and honest with where she was at and how God was using each experience to sanctify her. I so appreciate that and wish I could be more like my sweet friend.

W is willing. Willing is for Katherine.Okay, so maybe she wasn't willing to touch the fish, but I'd still describe her as willing. My dear cousin has always been so willing to support me in any way she can. From playing with me every day while my mom was in the hospital, to being the first person to send me a check whenever I was fundraising for anything. Katherine has always had my back, always pursued me as a friend and always willingly gave of herself.

X is for eXceptional. eXceptional is for Kelsey.Kels, do you think you got gypped with "eXceptional"? While you actually possess all of the characteristics mentioned so far, I actually think exceptional fits quite well. My sis, Kelsey, is truly exceptional...in everything she does. Steven had always told me about this amazing sister that he had, but it wasn't until I actually met and got to know her that I truly saw where he was coming from. Kels excels in the classroom, on the basketball court, in her relationships with others, and in her walk with God. Even though she's 7 years younger than me, she's someone I look up to and really admire. I hope I have a kid as exceptional as Kelsey someday.

Y is for YYYYYYY (pronounced WHY). YYYYYYY is for Grandpa Sauder.Awww, Grandpa Sauder. Look at him, don't you just wanna squeeze him? I had to fit him in this list because the guy is just so darn loveable. I can't really explain the "whhhhhhhyyyyy" characteristic, you just gotta know him to appreciate it. All you need to know is that I'm really hoping Steven grows up to be as jolly, messy, and funny as Grandpa Sauder.

Z is for zealous. Zealous is for Dave.I've never met anyone who can preach it like Dave can. He has a zeal for the Word of God, for people, and for Christ's name to be known among the earth. And it's pretty contagious. Even if I only spend 5 minutes with him, I leave on fire for the Lord. He's spoken such truth into my life and I'm thankful for his passion and enthusiasm to bring people to Jesus.

And so it finally comes to an end. Thanks for reading about the people that I'm so very thankful for. May we always remember and celebrate the people in our lives who make our world a better place.

I couldn't help myself.

I'm starting to fear that this blog is becoming quite the "Debbie Downer". While I'd like to think of myself as a happy and bubbly person, I am usually moved to write when I feel just the opposite. When my heart is heavy, when my sin is suffocating, when my faith and life don't seem to match up, is when the words start to flow. And ultimately, it's where I grow.

And while I'd like to say that today is the day I'm turning things around, that I'm blogging about the sunshine and the springtime and the happy lighthearted things, I can't. Today's a heavy one, sorry.

I just couldn't help myself.

With the Easter season still fresh in my mind, I can't help but continue thinking about the cross. While I hate to admit this, I usually don’t like to think about it very much. Yes, I love to reflect upon what Christ’s death means, but I tend to gloss over the brutal reality and details of what actually took place that day on the cross. Oh how much the perfect Son of God endured for me, for you, for the world. It’s too horrific, too inhumane, too painful for me to think about.

But I need to. Jesus deserves at least that much.

To be frank, I used to even think that it wasn't that big of a deal. I remember thinking as a little girl, "Eh, Jesus on the cross couldn't have been too bad. If I had the chance to die for the whole world, I'd probably do it. No biggie." You see, I viewed Christ's death as rather simple.

He died. He rose again. Woohoo, thank you Jesus.

I didn't understand its depth, its anguish, its heartache. I guess my Sunday school teachers spared me the details and sheltered me from the gruesome reality. I'm thankful.

...kinda...

While I doubt I could have handled the following video clip as a young child, part of me wishes that this was more of the image I had of Jesus' death. Christ on the cross has become so commercialized, toned down, and kid friendly that, for me, has drowned out its deep significance and sacrifice.

It's hard for me to watch this. And I bet it'll be hard for you to watch it too. This video is painful, scary, and deeply upsetting. It leaves me with big tears running down my face. I don't want to watch it, but again, I know I should. I know I have to.

Not only because Jesus deserves that much, but because it helps me. It helps me grow in my love and sacrifice for the Son of God who loved and sacrificed so much for me. It helps me know His hesed more deeply, which helps me give it more freely. It helps me be more thankful, so truly thankful.

Though it's gut-wrenching, it really does help me. And maybe it’ll help you too.



Oh, Jesus... You bore that for me. The innocent and perfect lamb. Crushed and bruised. Hung on the cross. To die. For me. So that I may live. Oh, Jesus... How did you do that? You didn't deserve it. And I don't deserve what you did for me. Oh, Jesus... is this what grace feels like? Oh, Jesus. Thank you.

Oh, God... You sent your Son to die like that for us. How could you do that? If Jesus were mine, I would have ripped Him off that cross. Is that how much you really love me? That you would allow your one and only flesh and blood to suffer and die for a sinner like me? Oh, God... I don't understand this love, your hesed. It's too big, too radical, too unbelievable. Oh God, how much I love you because of how you first loved me. Oh God, how I owe you my life. My all. My everything.

Oh sweet Jesus, Father God, thank you.

This may offend you.

And I'm okay with that.

I think.

A friend of mine last week asked me my views on hell. And with his question, two things immediately occurred to me.

1. I was somewhat uncomfortable with the subject because I was afraid that by admitting I believed in it, I would automatically be seen as condemning, judgmental and offensive. Yikes.

2. I also realized that I don't have a whole lot to say on the matter because, honestly, I don't know all that much.

And so I started wondering why...

Maybe it's because hell is rarely talked about in the church. Love, grace, forgiveness, and even sin, sure. But hell? Well, I haven't heard a sermon on it yet. Maybe it's because I see some Christians take it to the extreme--you know, the kind that stand on the street corner and just yell at you, telling you that you're going to hell--oh how that scene evokes such anger, shame and a deep discomfort within me.

Or maybe I don't know all that much about hell because I choose to ignore it.

I'd rather focus on the "nice" and "happy" things of Christianity, and not the confrontational and unpleasant. So most of the time, I choose silence over possibly saying something offensive. And when it comes down to it, I choose silence over truth.

Because the truth is, the Gospel is offensive. Or at least it should be. A foundational truth of it is that, yes, we are all going to hell. (Oh dear...you just put me in the same category as the man standing on the street corner yelling, didn't you?) But really, when I'm honest with myself, I know just how important it is to the Gospel message. For if hell doesn't exist, then we wouldn't be in need of a Savior. Or if only "bad" people go there, then that means we can somehow earn our way to heaven and that Christ's death on the cross was for nothing.

Bluntly put, the Gospel message without the understand of hell is not the Gospel message. For to know and experience the deep love and grace offered through Jesus, one must first understand where they would be headed without it.

Hell.

That's what scares me. And no, I'm not talking about hell itself. What scares me is knowing that when I talk this way, I'll be called judgmental. The dreaded word that so many Christians get pegged with. That probably seems shallow, to care so much about being called a name, and while it is, my insecure self just can't help it.

I've been called this word a lot.

And it hurts.

A lot.

Probably more than any other name you could call me. Call me stubborn. I am. Call me self-indulged. I am. Call me controlling. I am. But judgmental? I have such a hard time with that one.

It brings about such an emotional response in me. I admit that my over-sensitive reaction is probably fueled by my desperate need for approval and the mere frustration of feeling misunderstood. But nevertheless, I struggle here. It's a big tension I have as a Christian--to share with people the salvation message that I so wholeheartedly believe in and to be viewed as judgmental and offensive because of it. I feel like I constantly teeter-totter between feeling guilty for not sharing what I believe, but then feeling guilty for making people feel bad for what I believe.

This is the struggle, a tension, a great divide in my life.

But as I wrestle through this, or through anything else for that matter, I constantly have to tell myself: "Lauren, look to Jesus." Just look to Jesus.

And so I did. And I was reminded.

Jesus himself was pretty offensive. He rebuked and called people out. He challenged them with a new way of thinking that was not popular. And he talked about hell.

A lot.

The difference, though, between Jesus and myself is that He was okay and comfortable talking about it. Even though most didn't like what He had to say, Jesus still said it. And even though I'm sure Jesus felt extremely misunderstood, He didn't let it bother Him.

So why should I?

This is why I love looking to Jesus. He brings me back to Himself and His character. He's so bold, so radical, so Spirit-filled. Looking to Jesus draws me out of my self-consumed world, my fears, and my insecurities. Looking to Him reminds me how to live a life of love and grace, yet still flavored with deep truth.

I want to be more like Jesus.

And so, I'm aware that my ramblings may offend you. But I'm learning. Slowly but surely, I am learning to be okay with that. Just like Jesus was.

Seashells.

So, this video is old school, but the message is so great that I just don't care.

I watched this short video about 5 years ago. And I still haven't forgotten it. For as many sermons as I've heard, books I've read, and videos I've watched, this one stands out the most. It's forever etched in my mind, on my heart, and in my life.

It's all about not wasting your life. It's all about having purpose. Eternal significance. It's about shedding the typical worldview and taking on a whole new, and quite radical, Biblical one. It's inspiring. It's convicting.

And well, let's just put it this way... I've never been able to look at seashells the same.

falling in loooooove.

I've done it twice. Once with the man I married. Once with the God I serve. Both have been life changing--molding me into a completely different person with new dreams, new passions and a new outlook on life.

Falling in love. It's scary. It's challenging. It's risky. But man, it's the greatest.

I started thinking about this concept last week. I was reflecting back on who I once was--knowing full well that my "high school self" wouldn't even recognize the person I've become. All she wanted was the cute husband, with the 2 angelic kids, a small dog, and the beautiful house with the white picket fence located conveniently close to all her family and friends. Well, while I did get the cute husband, everything else is strikingly different. To think that now all I want is to be a missionary overseas in a land far, far away without many comforts and luxuries is nothing short of crazy...or a miracle. I'm not sure, you decide.

So I naturally began to ask myself...what happened? What was it that drastically changed the course of my life?

And the answer was simple, really. I had fallen in love. And no, not with Steven--for that would come a little later in life and change me in a different way.

No, this change was because I had fallen in love with God. Even though I thought I knew Him my whole life, it wasn't until I truly fell.in.love with the character and heart of God that things really started to change.

Let me explain.

Most of my life, I kept God at arms-length. Like, I knew I probably should keep Him around, ya know, in my corner in case of emergencies, but I wasn't totally comfortable completely embracing Him. Looking back, I think this stemmed from my wrong view of God. For some reason, I viewed Him as judgmental and mean--always telling me things I couldn't do and making me feel bad for things I shouldn't have done. I also kind of felt like His love for me was based on how well I "performed". Almost as if God was some sort of puppet that I could control with my actions. If I screwed up, God wouldn't bless me. If I was good, God would give me what I wanted. Naturally, this led to me never feeling quite "good enough" and constantly unsatisfied.

My relationship with God was not a loving one--but more of a forced obligation. And we all know, life change doesn't come from obligation.

But then something happened. For some reason, I suddenly wanted to know God more. Maybe I was dissatisfied with my life. Or myself. Or God. I'm not sure. All I know is that I had this deep longing to finally know God at a deeper level--to truly understand what I believed in or to come to grips with the fact that maybe I didn't really believe at all. Basically, I was ready to define the relationship. Break-up and go my own way. Or fully commit and dive in head first.

So I searched. I even went out to California to do it. And it was there, it was there that I found God. It was there that I found purpose. Found myself. Found love.

I spent that summer in California studying the God of the Bible. Not the God that I heard about from other people. Not the God I had made up in my mind. Not the God I hypocritically saw in the church. No, I began to understand the character of God from a Biblical point of view--from Genesis to Revelation--God's consistent pursuit and love for people. All of a sudden God wasn't scary anymore--He wasn't some mean guy up in heaven waiting for me to screw up just so He could punish me. Instead, He was this God who showed abundant grace and mercy over, and over, and over again. He was a God who was good, a God who was patient and kind. He was a God whose heart longed for people to seek Him, to know Him, to love Him. A God who sent His Son to die for people who definitely didn't deserve it. I fell in love with this God of the Bible and His hesed. And for the first time, I fell in love with the Gospel.

It was in that moment that something in me changed. I dont' know how else to put it, but it really is true. Something just changes when you fall in love. Ask Steven.

When we were dating, I once got him to come to a five hour high school cheerleading competition with me. How in the world did I get him there? Simple. He had fallen in love with me and was willing to do the unthinkable just because he loved me.

Yes, we all do crazy things when we're in love.

And so it comes full circle. Here I am. The girl, who never left her mother's side, who wanted to live in Naperville when she grew up, and who still sleeps with her blankies, is preparing to go to Thailand. Preparing to say goodbye to family and friends. Preparing to leave the familiar and the comfortable. To be honest, it's still a little scary. Just because it's been what I've wanted to do for quite some time now, doesn't mean that I'm not tempted to stay and live out my high school dream.

All it means is that I fell in love--that I now love God more than I love anything else. All it means is that I'm willing to do something a little crazy just because I now delight in Him.

I write this post tonight not to toot my own horn about wanting to be a missionary. Just the opposite really. I only want to get across the fact that falling in love with God, with Jesus, with the Gospel, drastically changes your life. I pray it has changed you like it has me. Not because it ought to, but simply because you're head-over-heels.