This may offend you.

And I'm okay with that.

I think.

A friend of mine last week asked me my views on hell. And with his question, two things immediately occurred to me.

1. I was somewhat uncomfortable with the subject because I was afraid that by admitting I believed in it, I would automatically be seen as condemning, judgmental and offensive. Yikes.

2. I also realized that I don't have a whole lot to say on the matter because, honestly, I don't know all that much.

And so I started wondering why...

Maybe it's because hell is rarely talked about in the church. Love, grace, forgiveness, and even sin, sure. But hell? Well, I haven't heard a sermon on it yet. Maybe it's because I see some Christians take it to the extreme--you know, the kind that stand on the street corner and just yell at you, telling you that you're going to hell--oh how that scene evokes such anger, shame and a deep discomfort within me.

Or maybe I don't know all that much about hell because I choose to ignore it.

I'd rather focus on the "nice" and "happy" things of Christianity, and not the confrontational and unpleasant. So most of the time, I choose silence over possibly saying something offensive. And when it comes down to it, I choose silence over truth.

Because the truth is, the Gospel is offensive. Or at least it should be. A foundational truth of it is that, yes, we are all going to hell. (Oh dear...you just put me in the same category as the man standing on the street corner yelling, didn't you?) But really, when I'm honest with myself, I know just how important it is to the Gospel message. For if hell doesn't exist, then we wouldn't be in need of a Savior. Or if only "bad" people go there, then that means we can somehow earn our way to heaven and that Christ's death on the cross was for nothing.

Bluntly put, the Gospel message without the understand of hell is not the Gospel message. For to know and experience the deep love and grace offered through Jesus, one must first understand where they would be headed without it.

Hell.

That's what scares me. And no, I'm not talking about hell itself. What scares me is knowing that when I talk this way, I'll be called judgmental. The dreaded word that so many Christians get pegged with. That probably seems shallow, to care so much about being called a name, and while it is, my insecure self just can't help it.

I've been called this word a lot.

And it hurts.

A lot.

Probably more than any other name you could call me. Call me stubborn. I am. Call me self-indulged. I am. Call me controlling. I am. But judgmental? I have such a hard time with that one.

It brings about such an emotional response in me. I admit that my over-sensitive reaction is probably fueled by my desperate need for approval and the mere frustration of feeling misunderstood. But nevertheless, I struggle here. It's a big tension I have as a Christian--to share with people the salvation message that I so wholeheartedly believe in and to be viewed as judgmental and offensive because of it. I feel like I constantly teeter-totter between feeling guilty for not sharing what I believe, but then feeling guilty for making people feel bad for what I believe.

This is the struggle, a tension, a great divide in my life.

But as I wrestle through this, or through anything else for that matter, I constantly have to tell myself: "Lauren, look to Jesus." Just look to Jesus.

And so I did. And I was reminded.

Jesus himself was pretty offensive. He rebuked and called people out. He challenged them with a new way of thinking that was not popular. And he talked about hell.

A lot.

The difference, though, between Jesus and myself is that He was okay and comfortable talking about it. Even though most didn't like what He had to say, Jesus still said it. And even though I'm sure Jesus felt extremely misunderstood, He didn't let it bother Him.

So why should I?

This is why I love looking to Jesus. He brings me back to Himself and His character. He's so bold, so radical, so Spirit-filled. Looking to Jesus draws me out of my self-consumed world, my fears, and my insecurities. Looking to Him reminds me how to live a life of love and grace, yet still flavored with deep truth.

I want to be more like Jesus.

And so, I'm aware that my ramblings may offend you. But I'm learning. Slowly but surely, I am learning to be okay with that. Just like Jesus was.

Seashells.

So, this video is old school, but the message is so great that I just don't care.

I watched this short video about 5 years ago. And I still haven't forgotten it. For as many sermons as I've heard, books I've read, and videos I've watched, this one stands out the most. It's forever etched in my mind, on my heart, and in my life.

It's all about not wasting your life. It's all about having purpose. Eternal significance. It's about shedding the typical worldview and taking on a whole new, and quite radical, Biblical one. It's inspiring. It's convicting.

And well, let's just put it this way... I've never been able to look at seashells the same.

falling in loooooove.

I've done it twice. Once with the man I married. Once with the God I serve. Both have been life changing--molding me into a completely different person with new dreams, new passions and a new outlook on life.

Falling in love. It's scary. It's challenging. It's risky. But man, it's the greatest.

I started thinking about this concept last week. I was reflecting back on who I once was--knowing full well that my "high school self" wouldn't even recognize the person I've become. All she wanted was the cute husband, with the 2 angelic kids, a small dog, and the beautiful house with the white picket fence located conveniently close to all her family and friends. Well, while I did get the cute husband, everything else is strikingly different. To think that now all I want is to be a missionary overseas in a land far, far away without many comforts and luxuries is nothing short of crazy...or a miracle. I'm not sure, you decide.

So I naturally began to ask myself...what happened? What was it that drastically changed the course of my life?

And the answer was simple, really. I had fallen in love. And no, not with Steven--for that would come a little later in life and change me in a different way.

No, this change was because I had fallen in love with God. Even though I thought I knew Him my whole life, it wasn't until I truly fell.in.love with the character and heart of God that things really started to change.

Let me explain.

Most of my life, I kept God at arms-length. Like, I knew I probably should keep Him around, ya know, in my corner in case of emergencies, but I wasn't totally comfortable completely embracing Him. Looking back, I think this stemmed from my wrong view of God. For some reason, I viewed Him as judgmental and mean--always telling me things I couldn't do and making me feel bad for things I shouldn't have done. I also kind of felt like His love for me was based on how well I "performed". Almost as if God was some sort of puppet that I could control with my actions. If I screwed up, God wouldn't bless me. If I was good, God would give me what I wanted. Naturally, this led to me never feeling quite "good enough" and constantly unsatisfied.

My relationship with God was not a loving one--but more of a forced obligation. And we all know, life change doesn't come from obligation.

But then something happened. For some reason, I suddenly wanted to know God more. Maybe I was dissatisfied with my life. Or myself. Or God. I'm not sure. All I know is that I had this deep longing to finally know God at a deeper level--to truly understand what I believed in or to come to grips with the fact that maybe I didn't really believe at all. Basically, I was ready to define the relationship. Break-up and go my own way. Or fully commit and dive in head first.

So I searched. I even went out to California to do it. And it was there, it was there that I found God. It was there that I found purpose. Found myself. Found love.

I spent that summer in California studying the God of the Bible. Not the God that I heard about from other people. Not the God I had made up in my mind. Not the God I hypocritically saw in the church. No, I began to understand the character of God from a Biblical point of view--from Genesis to Revelation--God's consistent pursuit and love for people. All of a sudden God wasn't scary anymore--He wasn't some mean guy up in heaven waiting for me to screw up just so He could punish me. Instead, He was this God who showed abundant grace and mercy over, and over, and over again. He was a God who was good, a God who was patient and kind. He was a God whose heart longed for people to seek Him, to know Him, to love Him. A God who sent His Son to die for people who definitely didn't deserve it. I fell in love with this God of the Bible and His hesed. And for the first time, I fell in love with the Gospel.

It was in that moment that something in me changed. I dont' know how else to put it, but it really is true. Something just changes when you fall in love. Ask Steven.

When we were dating, I once got him to come to a five hour high school cheerleading competition with me. How in the world did I get him there? Simple. He had fallen in love with me and was willing to do the unthinkable just because he loved me.

Yes, we all do crazy things when we're in love.

And so it comes full circle. Here I am. The girl, who never left her mother's side, who wanted to live in Naperville when she grew up, and who still sleeps with her blankies, is preparing to go to Thailand. Preparing to say goodbye to family and friends. Preparing to leave the familiar and the comfortable. To be honest, it's still a little scary. Just because it's been what I've wanted to do for quite some time now, doesn't mean that I'm not tempted to stay and live out my high school dream.

All it means is that I fell in love--that I now love God more than I love anything else. All it means is that I'm willing to do something a little crazy just because I now delight in Him.

I write this post tonight not to toot my own horn about wanting to be a missionary. Just the opposite really. I only want to get across the fact that falling in love with God, with Jesus, with the Gospel, drastically changes your life. I pray it has changed you like it has me. Not because it ought to, but simply because you're head-over-heels.