It's a choice.

It started about two weeks ago.

My downward spiral into a deep and awful funk.

Words can't accurately explain what exactly happened, but all I know is that I hit a wall. All of a sudden, my hope and joy had quickly faded and I was left an emotional wreck. I didn't want to support raise anymore. I didn't want to be around people. I cried almost every day. Everything put me in a bad mood. Steven's job was driving me nuts. I was frustrated, discouraged, empty. Simply put, I had run out of gas, was completely miserable and done waiting on the Lord.

But the more I tried to gain control, the more I lost. The more I grasped for a "plan", the more ambiguous our lives became. Every day was the constant reminder that I had absolutely no control over what was happening in our lives. And well, that just sent me over the edge.

My poor husband. He didn't know what to do with me. With our two year anniversary fast approaching, I often wondered if he thought, "What in the world did I get myself into?" Nevertheless, he was so patient and kind. He prayed for me, spoke truth over me, and just held me when I needed to cry. He reminded me that God was in control and that He was preparing us for the uncertainty we'll face in Thailand. He put up with my ever-changing emotions and constantly asked, "How can I support you?" I was completely undeserving of his lavish grace and love. But even still, nothing changed.

I remember thinking to myself, "Will this ever get better?" and even doubting our call to go to Thailand. Surely someone who can't handle the little ups and downs here doesn't stand a chance on the mission field.

Thankfully, the Lord didn't leave me here. Thankfully, He met me right where I was at, messy and broken, and drew me close. It was as if He was gently beckoning me back to His throne of grace, asking me where I've been and how I'd gone astray.

He did this all through a simple song. I was singing it while at a Beth Moore conference this past weekend. The words were so simple, but struck me deep. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. We will wait upon the Lord..." I could barely sing the words. I mean, how could I? I was quickly reminded of an all too familiar quote: "Christians don't tell lies. They just go to church and sing them." I was immediately convicted. How could I possibly sing about joyfully waiting upon the Lord when I was making myself miserable doing so? I felt my heart asking,"Lauren, do you really believe this? Are you really waiting on the Lord? Or are you so desperate for control that you can't see the joy in His plan? Do you really believe that His plan is PERFECT? Do you really believe in what you're singing, preaching, blogging? Do you believe in the Gospel and it's power over your life?"

I found myself nodding, tears running down my face, guilt in my heart, saying, "Yes, yes I do. I whole-heartedly do."

And then I felt Him saying, "My child. Then why do you live like you don't? Live like you trust Me. Choose freedom over captivity. Choose to bear my image, not your own sinfulness. Choose faith. It's a choice, your choice. Now, choose Me."

And that's all I needed. A reminder to choose Him. And to choose Him DAILY. It's not enough to pick and choose which days I'm going to trust my Heavenly Father. The days are evil and my heart will be far too easily deceived. But victory comes in the constant renewing of my mind and heart--choosing to bear His image, choosing to believe His ways are higher than mine, choosing to believe that through the uncertainty God is the One in control, choosing Him...day by day.

As I sat down, freedom, peace & grace immediately washed over me. It's hard to explain the feeling, but all I know is that my heart had been restored.

I returned from the weekend and Steven immediately knew something had happened. I greeted him with my happy-bouncy-type hug and he just looked at me and asked, "Do I have my wife back now?"

And he did.

Even as I write this now, my heart is thankful for the timing in all of this. This morning we found out that Steven will be laid off at the end of the week. While many emotions stream through me with this new change, today I have a heart full of trust. Today I am confident that this is exactly what God wanted for us. Today I choose to not be bound by the worries of this world and instead choose abundant life and joy in Christ. Today I am thankful, so very thankful that God chose me so that I could choose Him back.

questions.

Do I love God or just love loving God?

Do I blog what I learn or learn just to blog?

Do I love others or just love so that others will love me?

Do I really understand when people feel called to "stay" or am I just jealous and bitter?

Do I love serving others or just love being called a servant?

Do I really love the unlovable or just talk like I do?

Does my heart truly break for the child prostitutes or is it just a cool bandwagon for me to jump on?

Am I genuine or am I a fake who spends most of her time judging others?

Do I honestly care about "every tongue, tribe & nation before the Throne of God" or do I just like sounding spiritual?

Do I actively forgive people or do I just let enough time go by til the hurt doesn't sting as bad?

Do I live as if God is my judge or as though other people are?

Do I really pray for people or just say that I do?

Do I repent because I am sorry or because I'm scared?

Do I live as though money belongs to and comes from God or do I live as though I am the one who's entitled to it?

Do I really like diversity and people who are different than me? If so, then why do all my friends look and act like me?

Is Steven my husband or my god?

Do I want what's best for others or really what's best for myself?

Do I live a life full of faith, love and grace or is it filled with doubt, hate and grudges?

Do I really think God is in control or do I plan and live my life as if I'm calling the shots?

Do I really know God or just settle for a casual relationship?

Do I talk a big talk but don't really walk the walk?

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me to the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

These are my thoughts and my prayer for today.

a parallel.

Sometimes people ask me about this "change" in my life. The change that is supposed to happen when one becomes a believer, but for me didn't happen til many years down the road.

Sometimes people ask me, "what in the world happened to you?" I think they look at me and think back to the way I used to be. Like I said in one of my previous posts, my life and dreams look a lot different than they did when I was a 16 year old girl. It's hard to believe that the girl who once slammed a classmate up against a locker while cussing her out is the same girl that's planning to be a missionary in Thailand. (Yikes. How much work the Lord has done in my life!)

But, seriously. What in the world happened to me?

Sometimes it's hard for me to put to words. Sometimes it's hard to explain how my life really has changed for the better, even though it seems like the call of Christ means giving up so much.

But then I discovered something that would maybe help illustrate the change inside of me. A parallel.

All I have to do is look at my brother and sister-in-law with their baby girl, Leila.
Their lives have changed drastically because of this little miracle.

For example...
Their curfew has changed. 7 o'clock is the new time to be home because that's when Leila needs to go to bed.

Topics of conversations have changed. Whether it was figuring out Leila's eating schedule, how to get her to sleep through the night, what new things she's discovering this week--I'm pretty sure those were things they never cared to discuss before being parents.

Weekend plans have changed. Now it's trips to the zoo, walks to the park, and restaurants with booster chairs.

Every day life has changed. Bath time is now a favorite part of the day. (I'm hoping that wasn't the case before Leila...)

Responsibilities have changed. No longer can they think just about themselves, but they are now responsible for loving, taking care of and raising this little girl. Life, their plans, their dreams are not about them anymore. All those things now take Leila into account.

Because of their deep love for Leila, a lot of things have changed. To an outsider like me, a lot of these changes seem like pretty big sacrifices. Even though I melt whenever I see my little niece, the life of a parent isn't exactly the most appealing thing. There are many times when I think to myself, "Man, if I had a baby right now I wouldn't be able to take my 2 hour trip to Target." That sounds quite pathetic, but it's true. I guess I'm still too selfish. I want to be able to do my own thing, when and how I want.

You see, I just don't "get it". I don't understand a mother's love quite yet. I don't understand how waking up in the middle of the night to a crying baby is "privilege" and how mom's take so much joy in something that is so sacrificial.

But Matt & Aimee do. If you ask them, despite all the sacrifices and changes their lives have undergone in the last year, I am positive that they would say that it has been their greatest JOY. That loving Leila is easy and that they don't even think twice about all they have given up because they know all that they have truly gained.

And I guess that's where the parallel comes in. Walking with God, allowing Him to change you, your priorities and your heart is a lot like becoming parents. To the outside world it looks like you are giving up a lot--your freedoms, your past life, your time--but to you, it's a natural thing that you absolutely delight in. Yes, there will be struggles along the way, both in your walk with the Lord and as your children grow up, but it's worth it.

Matt & Aimee have shown me that parenting is worth it. I want to show others that knowing God is worth it.

Knowing this parallel, I am excited to experience parenthood at some point in my life. I know that it will stretch me and challenge me, but I also know that it will show me in a new way how much God truly loves me as His child.