"How are you feeling?"

It's the main question we've been getting as of lately. Everyone's been wanting to know what kind of emotions we're experiencing with Thailand only a few days away. "Are you excited? Scared? Hesitant? Ready?"

It's a seemingly simple question that comes with a layered and complex answer. Steven and I have laid in bed numerous nights trying to process our varying emotions, asking ourselves the very same question...

"how do we really feel?"

Because the reality is, there isn't just one thing we are feeling. Each night brings about a different emotion, with different epiphanies and lessons from God. And while they are some times hard to navigate, it has been a really encouraging and bonding experience for us.

And so, here's my attempt to process through all the paradoxical emotions that are going through the Sauders at this very moment--4 days from moving our lives, hearts and dreams to Thailand.

We are excited. This is mostly how we feel and our most common response to people. And it's not a fake answer or what we think we should say. We are genuinely and deeply excited. We are so ready for this. We can't wait to board that plane and step into an unknown world, only having each other, God and 4 suitcases. We love that. We love that our encounter with God will be more sweet and intimate than it ever has been before. We love that we will have to depend on God more than we ever have before. We love that we will grow and struggle in our faith more than we ever have before. We love that it will be less of us and more of God than it ever has been before. Maybe to say we are excited is an understatement. As a girl who still can't sleep on Christmas Eve because of the anticipation of Christmas morning, you can probably imagine the small amount of sleep I've gotten this past week. Even Steven is showing signs of excitement, and well, that's saying a lot.

We are thankful. Steven usually prays for us before we go to bed. The other night, instead of praying, we just started shouting out things we were thankful for.

Thanks God for our amazing families.

Thanks God for raising up people to financially support us. Thank you for their sacrifices.

Thanks God for healthy goodbyes.

Thanks God for such a straight path.

Thanks God for working out all the details.

Thanks God for all the unexpected people who have encouraged us along the way.

Thanks God for giving us each other.

Thanks God for selling our cars.

Thanks God for our friends who love us so well.

Thanks God for this opportunity.

Thanks God for being worthy of our lives.

Tears start to well up as I recount all that we are thankful for. It's such a hard thing to explain--this deep sense of gratitude we feel. So for now, just know that we are so very humbled and grateful to God and the body of Christ.

We are conflicted. This is a strange one. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but we often feel like we're living inside one big paradox. We're happy, but we're sad. We're excited, but we're nervous. We're counting it all joy, but we're counting the cost. We're prepared, but not fully. We want to sell everything, but we want to hold on to things. We enjoy this life, but there are days we hate it too. The range of emotions are sometimes overwhelming... My poor husband asks me every day, "How are you feeling?", knowing full well that I could answer with a big hug and smile or crumble into his arms with a deep sob. He never knows what he's gonna get. The biggest paradox we are facing is feeling so ready and excited, yet not wanting to say goodbye and leave. It's a big divide in our hearts. We know what awaits us in Thailand, we know this is the Lord's will, we are chomping at the bit to bring glory to God in a new place. That's exciting stuff. Yet, we love being "here". Being close to family. Having deep community with our friends. Seeing Leila grow up before our very eyes. That's hard stuff to leave behind. As Steven and I have talked about this conflicted feeling, I asked him if we were maybe getting a glimpse into how Jesus felt before coming to earth. Not to put ourselves on the same playing field as Jesus, but it gave us insight into the immense sacrifice He made for us. Leaving His heavenly home, His sweet communion with His Father, a safe and warm place. All to be made low, to be born in a manger, to be crucified, to save us all. Maybe Jesus was conflicted too. And maybe being conflicted isn't necessarily a bad thing for us to feel, but just another way to make us more like Him.

We are in awe. There is a peace we have that transcends all understanding. If you would have asked me 6 months ago how I'd be feeling a week before leaving, I would have probably used the word miserable. As much as we have wanted to do this, there was still a deep ache in my heart about leaving and I would cry any time I thought about it for too long. (Again with the whole paradox thing...) I was dreading the month of January. There would even be times of panic where I would look at Steven and say, "I don't want to go anymore. This is too crazy. I can't do this." But as we continued on, we kept praying for a deep sense of peace and JOY. I knew I wouldn't make it without God's supernatural help. I desperately needed Him to completely fill me so there would be no room left for fear. I was counting on God to somehow show up and get me on that plane. And you know what? His grace is sufficient. It's more than sufficient. It's everything. I am only able to stand here today, healthy and joyful, by the grace of God. Not by my own strength, but as a pure testament to God, who gives you the grace you need to carry out His will, however hard it may seem.

We are confident. We are no longer held captive by our fears or thinking too little of God. We have seen God at work and we move forward with a great confidence in His power and hand in all of this. I don't know how this all happened. I don't know how we raised support in 4 months. I don't know how we've been able to walk away from all that is comfortable. I don't know how we've managed to pack in only 4 suitcases. I don't know how I said goodbye to my grandparents. I don't know how all these hard things were made easy. But I do know that God was in it all. Walking by our side, holding our hands, whispering truth, gently encouraging, painfully sanctifying, constantly comforting. What sweet intimacy we have had with our God through this process. Upon reflection, Steven and I wondered if there were times in our lives that we've missed this opportunity. We questioned how many times we've let fear or disbelief stop us from doing hard things for the Kingdom, and as a result, missed times where we could have felt the deep hesed of our Father. That is why we are confident. Because we have been held by God and stand in His strength, not ours.

And there you have it. That's how the Sauder's really feel.

In honor of MLK Day...

Here's a recording, written and audio, of Martin Luther King Jr.'s last speech called "Drum Major Instinct". We listened to this at church yesterday and I just had to post it.

His speech was given on February 4th, 1968 and was an adaption of the 1952 homily "Drum-Major Instincts" by J. Wallace Hamilton, a well-known, liberal, white Methodist preacher. King encouraged his congregation to seek greatness, but to do so through service and love. King concluded the sermon by imagining his own funeral, downplaying his famous achievements and emphasizing his heart to do right.

Martin Luther King Jr. was shot exactly 2 months after this speech.

Below is an excerpt from his actual sermon 43 years ago. I also posted the speech in its entirety. It's rather long, but I bolded the last part where the audio coincides with it. I read through the whole speech. And it's a great message.

It was a great reminder of what we should be living for and how we should be living for it. Being just like Jesus, a humble servant for the Kingdom of God. I love his last line and pray it over my own life...

"Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world."

May we remember today a great man who stood for love, peace, and justice in the name of Jesus. And may we all be remembered as great as he.

The setting is clear. James and John are making a specific request of the master. They had dreamed, as most of the Hebrews dreamed, of a coming king of Israel who would set Jerusalem free and establish his kingdom on Mount Zion, and in righteousness rule the world. And they thought of Jesus as this kind of king. And they were thinking of that day when Jesus would reign supreme as this new king of Israel. And they were saying, "Now when you establish your kingdom, let one of us sit on the right hand and the other on the left hand of your throne."

Now very quickly, we would automatically condemn James and John, and we would say they were selfish. Why would they make such a selfish request? But before we condemn them too quickly, let us look calmly and honestly at ourselves, and we will discover that we too have those same basic desires for recognition, for importance. That same desire for attention, that same desire to be first. Of course, the other disciples got mad with James and John, and you could understand why, but we must understand that we have some of the same James and John qualities. And there is deep down within all of us an instinct. It's a kind of drum major instinct—a desire to be out front, a desire to lead the parade, a desire to be first. And it is something that runs the whole gamut of life.

And so before we condemn them, let us see that we all have the drum major instinct. We all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade. Alfred Adler, the great psychoanalyst, contends that this is the dominant impulse. Sigmund Freud used to contend that sex was the dominant impulse, and Adler came with a new argument saying that this quest for recognition, this desire for attention, this desire for distinction is the basic impulse, the basic drive of human life, this drum major instinct.

And you know, we begin early to ask life to put us first. Our first cry as a baby was a bid for attention. And all through childhood the drum major impulse or instinct is a major obsession. Children ask life to grant them first place. They are a little bundle of ego. And they have innately the drum major impulse or the drum major instinct.

Now in adult life, we still have it, and we really never get by it. We like to do something good. And you know, we like to be praised for it. Now if you don't believe that, you just go on living life, and you will discover very soon that you like to be praised. Everybody likes it, as a matter of fact. And somehow this warm glow we feel when we are praised or when our name is in print is something of the vitamin A to our ego. Nobody is unhappy when they are praised, even if they know they don't deserve it and even if they don't believe it. The only unhappy people about praise is when that praise is going too much toward somebody else. (That’s right) But everybody likes to be praised because of this real drum major instinct.

Now the presence of the drum major instinct is why so many people are "joiners." You know, there are some people who just join everything. And it's really a quest for attention and recognition and importance. And they get names that give them that impression. So you get your groups, and they become the "Grand Patron," and the little fellow who is henpecked at home needs a chance to be the "Most Worthy of the Most Worthy" of something. It is the drum major impulse and longing that runs the gamut of human life. And so we see it everywhere, this quest for recognition. And we join things, overjoin really, that we think that we will find that recognition in.

Now the presence of this instinct explains why we are so often taken by advertisers. You know, those gentlemen of massive verbal persuasion. And they have a way of saying things to you that kind of gets you into buying. In order to be a man of distinction, you must drink this whiskey. In order to make your neighbors envious, you must drive this type of car. (Make it plain) In order to be lovely to love you must wear this kind of lipstick or this kind of perfume. And you know, before you know it, you're just buying that stuff. (Yes) That's the way the advertisers do it.

I got a letter the other day, and it was a new magazine coming out. And it opened up, "Dear Dr. King: As you know, you are on many mailing lists. And you are categorized as highly intelligent, progressive, a lover of the arts and the sciences, and I know you will want to read what I have to say." Of course I did. After you said all of that and explained me so exactly, of course I wanted to read it. [laughter]

But very seriously, it goes through life; the drum major instinct is real. (Yes) And you know what else it causes to happen? It often causes us to live above our means. (Make it plain)It's nothing but the drum major instinct. Do you ever see people buy cars that they can't even begin to buy in terms of their income? (Amen) [laughter] You've seen people riding around in Cadillacs and Chryslers who don't earn enough to have a good T-Model Ford. (Make it plain) But it feeds a repressed ego.

You know, economists tell us that your automobile should not cost more than half of your annual income. So if you make an income of five thousand dollars, your car shouldn't cost more than about twenty-five hundred. That's just good economics. And if it's a family of two, and both members of the family make ten thousand dollars, they would have to make out with one car. That would be good economics, although it's often inconvenient. But so often, haven't you seen people making five thousand dollars a year and driving a car that costs six thousand? And they wonder why their ends never meet. [laughter] That's a fact.

Now the economists also say that your house shouldn't cost—if you're buying a house, it shouldn't cost more than twice your income. That's based on the economy and how you would make ends meet. So, if you have an income of five thousand dollars, it's kind of difficult in this society. But say it's a family with an income of ten thousand dollars, the house shouldn't cost much more than twenty thousand. Well, I've seen folk making ten thousand dollars, living in a forty- and fifty-thousand-dollar house. And you know they just barely make it. They get a check every month somewhere, and they owe all of that out before it comes in. Never have anything to put away for rainy days.

But now the problem is, it is the drum major instinct. And you know, you see people over and over again with the drum major instinct taking them over. And they just live their lives trying to outdo the Joneses. (Amen) They got to get this coat because this particular coat is a little better and a little better-looking than Mary's coat. And I got to drive this car because it's something about this car that makes my car a little better than my neighbor's car. (Amen) I know a man who used to live in a thirty-five-thousand-dollar house. And other people started building thirty-five-thousand-dollar houses, so he built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house. And then somebody else built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house, and he built a hundred-thousand-dollar house. And I don't know where he's going to end up if he's going to live his life trying to keep up with the Joneses.

There comes a time that the drum major instinct can become destructive. (Make it plain) And that's where I want to move now. I want to move to the point of saying that if this instinct is not harnessed, it becomes a very dangerous, pernicious instinct. For instance, if it isn’t harnessed, it causes one's personality to become distorted. I guess that's the most damaging aspect of it: what it does to the personality. If it isn't harnessed, you will end up day in and day out trying to deal with your ego problem by boasting. Have you ever heard people that—you know, and I'm sure you've met them—that really become sickening because they just sit up all the time talking about themselves. (Amen) And they just boast and boast and boast, and that's the person who has not harnessed the drum major instinct.

And then it does other things to the personality. It causes you to lie about who you know sometimes. (Amen, Make it plain) There are some people who are influence peddlers. And in their attempt to deal with the drum major instinct, they have to try to identify with the so-called big-name people. (Yeah, Make it plain) And if you're not careful, they will make you think they know somebody that they don't really know. (Amen) They know them well, they sip tea with them, and they this-and-that. That happens to people.

And the other thing is that it causes one to engage ultimately in activities that are merely used to get attention. Criminologists tell us that some people are driven to crime because of this drum major instinct. They don't feel that they are getting enough attention through the normal channels of social behavior, and so they turn to anti-social behavior in order to get attention, in order to feel important. (Yeah) And so they get that gun, and before they know it they robbed a bank in a quest for recognition, in a quest for importance.

And then the final great tragedy of the distorted personality is the fact that when one fails to harness this instinct, (Glory to God) he ends up trying to push others down in order to push himself up. (Amen) And whenever you do that, you engage in some of the most vicious activities. You will spread evil, vicious, lying gossip on people, because you are trying to pull them down in order to push yourself up. (Make it plain) And the great issue of life is to harness the drum major instinct.

Now the other problem is, when you don't harness the drum major instinct—this uncontrolled aspect of it—is that it leads to snobbish exclusivism. It leads to snobbish exclusivism. (Make it plain) And you know, this is the danger of social clubs and fraternities—I'm in a fraternity; I'm in two or three—for sororities and all of these, I'm not talking against them. I'm saying it's the danger. The danger is that they can become forces of classism and exclusivism where somehow you get a degree of satisfaction because you are in something exclusive. And that's fulfilling something, you know—that I'm in this fraternity, and it's the best fraternity in the world, and everybody can't get in this fraternity. So it ends up, you know, a very exclusive kind of thing.

And you know, that can happen with the church; I know churches get in that bind sometimes. (Amen, Make it plain) I've been to churches, you know, and they say, "We have so many doctors, and so many school teachers, and so many lawyers, and so many businessmen in our church." And that's fine, because doctors need to go to church, and lawyers, and businessmen, teachers—they ought to be in church. But they say that—even the preacher sometimes will go all through that—they say that as if the other people don't count. (Amen)

And the church is the one place where a doctor ought to forget that he's a doctor. The church is the one place where a Ph.D. ought to forget that he's a Ph.D. (Yes) The church is the one place that the school teacher ought to forget the degree she has behind her name. The church is the one place where the lawyer ought to forget that he's a lawyer. And any church that violates the "whosoever will, let him come" doctrine is a dead, cold church, (Yes) and nothing but a little social club with a thin veneer of religiosity.

When the church is true to its nature, (Whoo) it says, "Whosoever will, let him come." (Yes) And it does not supposed to satisfy the perverted uses of the drum major instinct. It's the one place where everybody should be the same, standing before a common master and savior. (Yes, sir) And a recognition grows out of this—that all men are brothers because they are children (Yes) of a common father.

The drum major instinct can lead to exclusivism in one's thinking and can lead one to feel that because he has some training, he's a little better than that person who doesn't have it. Or because he has some economic security, that he's a little better than that person who doesn't have it. And that's the uncontrolled, perverted use of the drum major instinct.

Now the other thing is, that it leads to tragic—and we've seen it happen so often—tragic race prejudice. Many who have written about this problem—Lillian Smith used to say it beautifully in some of her books. And she would say it to the point of getting men and women to see the source of the problem. Do you know that a lot of the race problem grows out of the drum major instinct? A need that some people have to feel superior. A need that some people have to feel that they are first, and to feel that their white skin ordained them to be first. (Make it plain, today, ‘cause I’m against it, so help me God) And they have said over and over again in ways that we see with our own eyes. In fact, not too long ago, a man down in Mississippi said that God was a charter member of the White Citizens Council. And so God being the charter member means that everybody who's in that has a kind of divinity, a kind of superiority. And think of what has happened in history as a result of this perverted use of the drum major instinct. It has led to the most tragic prejudice, the most tragic expressions of man's inhumanity to man.

The other day I was saying, I always try to do a little converting when I'm in jail. And when we were in jail in Birmingham the other day, the white wardens and all enjoyed coming around the cell to talk about the race problem. And they were showing us where we were so wrong demonstrating. And they were showing us where segregation was so right. And they were showing us where intermarriage was so wrong. So I would get to preaching, and we would get to talking—calmly, because they wanted to talk about it. And then we got down one day to the point—that was the second or third day—to talk about where they lived, and how much they were earning. And when those brothers told me what they were earning, I said, "Now, you know what? You ought to be marching with us. [laughter] You're just as poor as Negroes." And I said, "You are put in the position of supporting your oppressor, because through prejudice and blindness, you fail to see that the same forces that oppress Negroes in American society oppress poor white people. (Yes) And all you are living on is the satisfaction of your skin being white, and the drum major instinct of thinking that you are somebody big because you are white. And you're so poor you can't send your children to school. You ought to be out here marching with every one of us every time we have a march."

Now that's a fact. That the poor white has been put into this position, where through blindness and prejudice, (Make it plain) he is forced to support his oppressors. And the only thing he has going for him is the false feeling that he’s superior because his skin is white—and can't hardly eat and make his ends meet week in and week out. (Amen)

And not only does this thing go into the racial struggle, it goes into the struggle between nations. And I would submit to you this morning that what is wrong in the world today is that the nations of the world are engaged in a bitter, colossal contest for supremacy. And if something doesn't happen to stop this trend, I'm sorely afraid that we won't be here to talk about Jesus Christ and about God and about brotherhood too many more years. (Yeah) If somebody doesn't bring an end to this suicidal thrust that we see in the world today, none of us are going to be around, because somebody's going to make the mistake through our senseless blunderings of dropping a nuclear bomb somewhere. And then another one is going to drop. And don't let anybody fool you, this can happen within a matter of seconds. (Amen) They have twenty-megaton bombs in Russia right now that can destroy a city as big as New York in three seconds, with everybody wiped away, and every building. And we can do the same thing to Russia and China.

But this is why we are drifting. And we are drifting there because nations are caught up with the drum major instinct. "I must be first." "I must be supreme." "Our nation must rule the world." (Preach it) And I am sad to say that the nation in which we live is the supreme culprit. And I'm going to continue to say it to America, because I love this country too much to see the drift that it has taken.

God didn't call America to do what she's doing in the world now. (Preach it, preach it) God didn't call America to engage in a senseless, unjust war as the war in Vietnam. And we are criminals in that war. We’ve committed more war crimes almost than any nation in the world, and I'm going to continue to say it. And we won't stop it because of our pride and our arrogance as a nation.

But God has a way of even putting nations in their place. (Amen) The God that I worship has a way of saying, "Don't play with me." (Yes) He has a way of saying, as the God of the Old Testament used to say to the Hebrews, "Don’t play with me, Israel. Don't play with me, Babylon. (Yes) Be still and know that I'm God. And if you don't stop your reckless course, I'll rise up and break the backbone of your power." (Yes) And that can happen to America. (Yes) Every now and then I go back and read Gibbons' Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. And when I come and look at America, I say to myself, the parallels are frightening. And we have perverted the drum major instinct.

But let me rush on to my conclusion, because I want you to see what Jesus was really saying. What was the answer that Jesus gave these men? It's very interesting. One would have thought that Jesus would have condemned them. One would have thought that Jesus would have said, "You are out of your place. You are selfish. Why would you raise such a question?"

But that isn't what Jesus did; he did something altogether different. He said in substance, "Oh, I see, you want to be first. You want to be great. You want to be important. You want to be significant. Well, you ought to be. If you're going to be my disciple, you must be." But he reordered priorities. And he said, "Yes, don't give up this instinct. It's a good instinct if you use it right. (Yes) It's a good instinct if you don't distort it and pervert it. Don't give it up. Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be first in love. (Amen) I want you to be first in moral excellence. I want you to be first in generosity. That is what I want you to do."

And he transformed the situation by giving a new definition of greatness. And you know how he said it? He said, "Now brethren, I can't give you greatness. And really, I can't make you first." This is what Jesus said to James and John. "You must earn it. True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness. And the right hand and the left are not mine to give, they belong to those who are prepared." (Amen)

And so Jesus gave us a new norm of greatness. If you want to be important—wonderful. If you want to be recognized—wonderful. If you want to be great—wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. (Amen) That's a new definition of greatness.

And this morning, the thing that I like about it: by giving that definition of greatness, it means that everybody can be great, (Everybody) because everybody can serve. (Amen) You don't have to have a college degree to serve. (All right) You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's theory of relativity to serve. You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. (Amen) You only need a heart full of grace, (Yes, sir, Amen) a soul generated by love. (Yes) And you can be that servant.

I know a man—and I just want to talk about him a minute, and maybe you will discover who I'm talking about as I go down the way (Yeah) because he was a great one. And he just went about serving. He was born in an obscure village, (Yes, sir) the child of a poor peasant woman. And then he grew up in still another obscure village, where he worked as a carpenter until he was thirty years old. (Amen) Then for three years, he just got on his feet, and he was an itinerant preacher. And he went about doing some things. He didn't have much. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family. (Yes) He never owned a house. He never went to college. He never visited a big city. He never went two hundred miles from where he was born. He did none of the usual things that the world would associate with greatness. He had no credentials but himself.

He was only thirty-three when the tide of public opinion turned against him. They called him a rabble-rouser. They called him a troublemaker. They said he was an agitator. (Glory to God) He practiced civil disobedience; he broke injunctions. And so he was turned over to his enemies and went through the mockery of a trial. And the irony of it all is that his friends turned him over to them. (Amen) One of his closest friends denied him. Another of his friends turned him over to his enemies. And while he was dying, the people who killed him gambled for his clothing, the only possession that he had in the world. (Lord help him) When he was dead he was buried in a borrowed tomb, through the pity of a friend.

Nineteen centuries have come and gone and today he stands as the most influential figure that ever entered human history. All of the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, and all the kings that ever reigned put together (Yes) have not affected the life of man on this earth (Amen) as much as that one solitary life. His name may be a familiar one. (Jesus) But today I can hear them talking about him. Every now and then somebody says, "He's King of Kings." (Yes) And again I can hear somebody saying, "He's Lord of Lords." Somewhere else I can hear somebody saying, "In Christ there is no East nor West." (Yes) And then they go on and talk about, "In Him there's no North and South, but one great Fellowship of Love throughout the whole wide world." He didn't have anything. (Amen) He just went around serving and doing good.

This morning, you can be on his right hand and his left hand if you serve. (Amen) It's the only way in.

Every now and then I guess we all think realistically (Yes, sir) about that day when we will be victimized with what is life's final common denominator—that something that we call death. We all think about it. And every now and then I think about my own death and I think about my own funeral. And I don't think of it in a morbid sense. And every now and then I ask myself, "What is it that I would want said?" And I leave the word to you this morning.

If any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don’t want a long funeral. And if you get somebody to deliver the eulogy, tell them not to talk too long. (Yes) And every now and then I wonder what I want them to say. Tell them not to mention that I have a Nobel Peace Prize—that isn’t important. Tell them not to mention that I have three or four hundred other awards—that’s not important. Tell them not to mention where I went to school. (Yes)

I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others. (Yes)

I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody.

I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question. (Amen)

I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry. (Yes)

And I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked. (Yes)

I want you to say on that day that I did try in my life to visit those who were in prison. (Lord)

I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity. (Yes)

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. (Amen) Say that I was a drum major for peace. (Yes) I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. (Yes) I won't have any money to leave behind. I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind. But I just want to leave a committed life behind. (Amen) And that's all I want to say.

If I can help somebody as I pass along,

If I can cheer somebody with a word or song,

If I can show somebody he's traveling wrong,

Then my living will not be in vain.

If I can do my duty as a Christian ought,

If I can bring salvation to a world once wrought,

If I can spread the message as the master taught,

Then my living will not be in vain.

Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, (Yes) not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world.

a straight path.

It's been a long time coming.

This departure to Thailand.

Steven and I have been anticipating this moment ever since we started dating 5 years ago.

I remember writing in my journal. Passionately recording my newfound dream of serving overseas someday with a man who loved and feared the Lord. God showed me that Steven would be that man.

I remember dating Steven. Coordinating Perspectives together--being inspired each week by missionary testimonies from all over the world, praying that God would give us our own story to tell. God showed us a realistic picture of life overseas.

I remember quitting teaching. Saying goodbye to the classroom, knowing that my passion was somewhere else . God showed me that He is more steadfast than a steady job.

I remember getting married. Feeling the freedom to move forward with Steven, to start making steps towards our dream. God showed us the importance of growing a solid foundation for our marriage first.

I remember being a student at Moody Bible Institute. Being grounded in Biblical truth and feeling more equipped to point others to Christ. God showed me the importance of His Word.

I remember Steven working such long hours at McHugh. Having frustrating moments at times, but learning and growing in many different areas. God showed him how to be a better leader and team player.

I remember almost joining the Traveling Team. Being so excited to be a part of a ministry that changed our lives, but then hearing a distinct "no" from God. God showed us how to listen to His voice and not our own.

I remember joining Pioneers. Attending their orientation in Florida, being so impressed with the organization and begging the Lord to lead us to the right team to serve on. God showed us how to be patient through Habakkuk 2:3. "For still the vision awaits its appointed time, it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay."

I remember almost going to Kazakhstan. Feeling drawn the the team leader and the work being done, but dreading living somewhere so dang cold. God showed us that He could call us anywhere and we must be willing.

I remember December 30th, the phone call from Hatley. Asking our family and close friends the week before to be praying for our decision to go to Kazakhstan, and then getting this call out of nowhere. God showed us the power of prayer.

I remember committing to Thailand. Being so filled with excitement and joy, praising God for giving us such a perfect opportunity to serve Him with our gifts and passions. God showed us that He is good and His ways are higher than ours.

I remember raising support. Losing sleep, worrying about all we had to do and all that God had to provide. God showed me that He is the owner of the cattle on a thousand hills and He lacks no supply.

I remember Steven losing his job. At the perfect time, with the perfect opportunity to work for his dad on the farm. The perfect transition. God showed us that His timing and plans are flawless.

I remember moving to Roanoke. Remembering the times in college where I would drive past small towns and wonder, "Who really still lives there? And why?". God showed me His sense of humor.

I remember going to training in Colorado for 6 weeks. Not knowing it would one of the richest times in our lives, learning so much about ourselves and our marriage. God showed us that none of this is possible without Him.

I remember writing up our wills, packing our suitcases, applying for life insurance, selling our cars, filling out paperwork. Thinking, "This whole going overseas thing, it isn't as glamorous as I thought it would be." God showed us that it's not about our glory, but all about His.

I remember the nights I've spent crying on Steven's shoulder. Either out of frustration, joy, or just sheer exhaustion. Going through all these experiences, the road always felt crooked, crazy and a little out of control. With each new step, the call to walk by faith was so difficult because I could never see what was beyond the next curve. As someone who likes to plan out every detail of her life, the rollercoaster that we've been on has challenged me to the core. However, God has shown me this: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5.

The truth is, while in the midst of the journey, the path does seem up and down and everywhere in between. But as I reflect back on all that has led us to this point, the path is actually quite straight. God had purposed each of those situations. And it was all part of His plan from the beginning of time.

This has been so encouraging to me. Because honestly, the journey has just begun. As I look ahead into 2011, I can't even imagine all that is to come. I'm sure more curve balls will come our way, but I starting to realize that they are only curve balls to me. God's plan is straight and purposed. Nothing will ever catch Him off-guard nor be a waste of His time.

I am so thankful to be on this straight path, right in the center of God's will. And even though we are becoming sad with having to say our goodbyes, we have a deep sense of peace that there is no place we would rather be. Praise be to God who is always with us and always for us.