O God, how can I possibly recount all that has passed
for we have been to the depths of darkness
beaten down and striped bare
knocked off our feet and lost without hope
I never thought I could come to that place
never thought I would ever question Your love
But there I was, alone and afraid
isolated and angry, not wanting to call upon Your name
I came here with hopes and dreams
with a plan of my own to accomplish the task
But you took it all away from me
You called out my idols and my spirit you made low
You frustrated the vision and asked too much of me
shining light where I did not want to see
You exposed my sin that I had hidden so well
even my righteousness could not fix
Vulnerable and weak, I was in a new place
consumed with fears of failure and uncertainty
The more I strived, the more I lost
and your grace I soon despised
I cried out to you
"How long, O Lord? How long will you keep me here?"
But silence was my only friend
and it threw me deeper into darkness still
No plan of mine could rescue me, no easy fix would come
So I fed my flesh and called it quits
your calling I no longer cared
my sacrifices too big to bear
What was once a unified vision with the love of my life
had suddenly become our deepest pain
Toil and strife consumed our marriage
and we were at war for days on end
Quickly lies crept into my heart
"He should have married someone stronger.
He should have married someone better."
And I became bitter for marrying such a determined man
We destroyed one another with our cutting words
and acted in ways that left deep wounds
We stood toe to toe in opposition
allowing division to take root within our souls
I remember it like yesterday
the pain is still so raw
I was holding William as I crumbled to the floor
"Where are you, God? We need you now. Our family is falling apart."
And in my desperate, painful cry to You
I wonder if that was more beautiful than all the other times I have praised Your name
if my misery was actually Your melody
if my ashes were really your treasure
Could my darkest hours have been your most treasured moments?
Could this time of hurt been your way of healing?
You saw me lose my way, yet did not condemn my faithlessness
In your gentle patience You waited
Your silence led me to a deeper place of You
With my filth exposed, You could wash me clean
Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more
The uglier my days, the more beautiful your redemption
Yet in our fallen world, the tension still remains
but when all we have is brokenness to offer you
it keeps us at the cross
and we find purpose in the pain
So praise be to the One who rises with healing in his wings
and who finds beauty in our messes
Praise be to the One who is bigger than our sin
and who pours out grace upon grace forevermore
Amen.
for we have been to the depths of darkness
beaten down and striped bare
knocked off our feet and lost without hope
I never thought I could come to that place
never thought I would ever question Your love
But there I was, alone and afraid
isolated and angry, not wanting to call upon Your name
I came here with hopes and dreams
with a plan of my own to accomplish the task
But you took it all away from me
You called out my idols and my spirit you made low
You frustrated the vision and asked too much of me
shining light where I did not want to see
You exposed my sin that I had hidden so well
even my righteousness could not fix
Vulnerable and weak, I was in a new place
consumed with fears of failure and uncertainty
The more I strived, the more I lost
and your grace I soon despised
I cried out to you
"How long, O Lord? How long will you keep me here?"
But silence was my only friend
and it threw me deeper into darkness still
No plan of mine could rescue me, no easy fix would come
So I fed my flesh and called it quits
your calling I no longer cared
my sacrifices too big to bear
What was once a unified vision with the love of my life
had suddenly become our deepest pain
Toil and strife consumed our marriage
and we were at war for days on end
Quickly lies crept into my heart
"He should have married someone stronger.
He should have married someone better."
And I became bitter for marrying such a determined man
We destroyed one another with our cutting words
and acted in ways that left deep wounds
We stood toe to toe in opposition
allowing division to take root within our souls
I remember it like yesterday
the pain is still so raw
I was holding William as I crumbled to the floor
"Where are you, God? We need you now. Our family is falling apart."
And in my desperate, painful cry to You
I wonder if that was more beautiful than all the other times I have praised Your name
if my misery was actually Your melody
if my ashes were really your treasure
Could my darkest hours have been your most treasured moments?
Could this time of hurt been your way of healing?
You saw me lose my way, yet did not condemn my faithlessness
In your gentle patience You waited
Your silence led me to a deeper place of You
With my filth exposed, You could wash me clean
Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more
The uglier my days, the more beautiful your redemption
Yet in our fallen world, the tension still remains
but when all we have is brokenness to offer you
it keeps us at the cross
and we find purpose in the pain
So praise be to the One who rises with healing in his wings
and who finds beauty in our messes
Praise be to the One who is bigger than our sin
and who pours out grace upon grace forevermore
Amen.
