Too blessed to be a blessing?

Blessed to be a blessing.

You've heard me say it before. For Steven and I, it's been a mission statement for our lives and marriage.

Lately however, I've had this taunting thought...
"Are we too blessed to be a blessing?"

At training last month, we spent a day on adversity. One of the exercises was to go through our life experiences and chart out the hard and difficult times. The purpose was to show God's goodness through the struggles while also trying to understand how we specifically react to adversity.

We heard many moving stories that day. People with Job like testimonies. Some with experiences that I could never imagine living through. And as I looked at Steven and I's puny "adversity charts", I became jealous.

Weird reaction, I know.

But seriously, the worst thing on Steven's chart was being benched his freshman year on the basketball team. Mine was my breakup with my high school boyfriend.

Lame.

Steven and I are fully aware that we do not know suffering. And while I am in awe of God's goodness towards us, sometimes it makes me feel a little guilty. And even more so, it makes me wonder if we'll be less effective because of it.

This idea was reinforced through a hard conversation with a good friend the other day. In my attempt to identify with his struggles, I probably overstepped my boundary and told him in more or less words to just "suck it up".

Note to self: That is not a good one-liner to say to someone who is hurting. Especially when you don't know their pain.

And so in his frustration with me, he reacted with some harsh words. "You think you're gonna go to Thailand and tell those people about God. Well let me tell you something, the last thing they will want to hear about is God. Those people have had hard lives filled with pain and suffering. And not only will they not want God, they won't want to hear it from a privileged girl like you who has never walked a day in their shoes."

Ouch. His words stung me to my core--not because they were hard to hear, but because I've silently had the same concern in my own heart for quite some time.

And so, I retreated to Steven and cried in his arms, asking him if it were true...

Are we are too blessed to be a blessing?

Will anyone take me seriously when I haven't gone through anything serious? It is easy for me to speak of God's steadfast love when my life has been nothing but smooth and steady. How will I explain God's faithfulness and goodness to someone who hasn't experienced it? What will I say to someone who is angry with God when I've never been?

And as I was processing these concerns to Steven, he did what he does best. Listens intently to my bundle of emotions and anxious thoughts and then gently speaks simple wisdom.

"Lauren, it's not about the messenger. It's about the message."

And with that, a sense of relief immediately came over me. He was right. I am so thankful for a husband who constantly brings me back to Truth.

"It's not about you or me. People aren't drawn to the Gospel because of the messenger. They are drawn to it because of its message of love, grace and forgiveness offered through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. It's not about the gift wrapping. It's about the gift."

Truth.

"And let's not worry about people being angry at God. Because if anyone has the right to be angry at God, it would have been Jesus Himself. Leaving His home in heaven to live among those who hated Him to die the most gruesome death of all time. All for people who still reject and deny His name. Babe, God can handle their anger and Jesus can understand their hurt. Jesus knows the deep blessing that comes from deep suffering better than anyone. It's not our battle to fight or burden to carry."

More Truth.

No more feeling guilty about this blessed life the Lord has given me. Whether immense blessing or unending suffering, it's all for the GLORY OF GOD. Who am I to rob Him of that or to doubt in His perfection and sovereignty? I must refuse to believe the lie that we are too blessed to be a blessing and instead cling to the truth that God uses all things, all people, all circumstances for His glory.

For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.... And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.

Philippians 4:11-13,19-20

A holiday treat!

Well, it's been way too long since my last post--almost a month! I think I needed some time away from all the emotion and deep processing. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it's sanctification...but man, it can be heavy!

Thanks to everyone who's been praying for us--it's been a good couple of weeks back at home. We are feeling really prepared and ready for whatever's next! Praise the Lord with us.

So to keep things *merry and bright*, I thought I'd share a delicious recipe for those who want to try something new this Christmas morning. One of my greatest joys this fall was volunteering at Mika's--Steven's aunt's coffee shop. Aunt Linda opened Mika's 6 years ago not knowing what would happen, but knowing that God had called her to this crazy venture and would see her through it. Now, Mika's is thriving--it's a warm and quaint place for people to come and drink good coffee, hang with friends, and eat great homemade food.

And mmmm....I wish all of you could taste her food. Everything she makes is simply delicious. No lie. I loved watching her in the kitchen. I would follow her around asking her thousands of questions--probably annoying her to death but being too fascinated to stop. Being at Mika's not only confirmed my love for food, but my love for loving people through food.

So, without further adieu, here's Mika's deliciously fabulous cinnamon rolls. (These suckers are so good that I had to call my mom and grandma down for the day to learn how to make them. Needless to say, Yuki was pretty darn excited.)

Mom and Grandma Yuki intensely listening to Grandma Unsicker--the cinnamon roll pro! She comes in to Mika's every Tuesday to make a couple of batches.


Grandma Unsicker telling me that "these pictures better not show up on the Internet!" Opps. Sorry, grandma!
Okay, here we go :)

In 3/4 cup warm water, dissolve 2 packages of yeast. (Aunt Linda says the yeast makes a difference, so make sure it's fresh!)

In another bowl, combine 3/4 cup sugar and 3 eggs. Next, add 1/2 cup of melted shortening, 1/4 cup of melted butter and 1 1/4 cup of milk. (Hey, I told you these were delicious. I never said they were healthy!)

Then add the yeasted water to the mixture--stir and combine. (Sorry, no picture of the combining!)

Next, in a large separate bowl, combine 6 cups of flour and 1 teaspoon of salt. (One perk of living in the country is that you have access to really random country stores. Aunt Linda uses this special type of flour that she gets from a sweet Mennonite lady--she sells the stuff, along with other baking goods, out of her home in the middle of nowhere. It was quite the scene, I'm sure, when my Asian-self pulled up to her "store" one fall afternoon... Old Mennonite lady with a bonnet, meet young Asian-suburban girl in a cute sundress. Yikes.)
Anyway, the flour is a high gluten flour. It's really fluffy--similar to the consistency after sifting. I think this is the secret to what makes the cinnamon rolls so light and scrumptious.
(Here Grandma Yuki is inspecting this new type of flour...)


Now add flour a cup at a time to yeast mixture and mix until thoroughly incorporated.

Kneed mixture until semi-smooth.


Keep going....


Once the dough isn't sticky and seems to keep its shape pretty well...


...transfer it over to a buttered bowl. Cover it and place it in a warm spot--it needs to rise for about an hour!


Intermission: While the dough was rising, Grandma Yuki took it upon herself to pass out her homemade caramel popcorn to everyone and make new friends with anyone that walked into Mika's! Gotta love her.


Back to the rolls...
Once the dough has finished rising, roll it out in a rectangle, about 24 inches by 10 inches, and to a thickness of 1/4 to 1/2 inch.


Brush dough with melted butter.


In a bowl combine 3/4 cup sugar, 1/2 cup brown sugar and 4 teaspoons of cinnamon. Sprinkle mixture over melted butter.


Along long side of the rectangle roll dough up, like a rug.


Trim ends and slice roll into rounds about 1/2 to 3/4 inch thick. (You should get around 14 rolls.)


Dip both sides of rounds in cinnamon-sugar mixture and arrange on a grease sheet pan.


Cover and let rise for 30 to 40 minutes. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes or until golden. Cool and then frost with your favorite homemade butter cream frosting.

And then of course, ENJOY!!!!!!!


As you could probably tell, it was a hesed-filled day. Two grandma's in the kitchen, sharing stories and old recipes...it just doesn't get any better than that.


A big thanks to Mika's and Aunt Linda for allowing us to take over the kitchen--it is a forever memory for us Ishikawa girls!


With Christmas fast-approaching, I hope we can all take time away from the busyness of life and get in the kitchen with the people we love. Whether it's baking Christmas cookies, making Christmas Eve dinner, or trying out this fabulous cinnamon roll recipe, may you cherish the sweet moments and tastes with your loved ones this holiday season.

count it all JOY.

Late last night I found myself unexpectedly weeping in Steven’s arms.

We were having one of those “right before you fall asleep” discussions that started out quite normal. We were talking for the thousandth time about whether we should buy a motorcycle or car when we get to Thailand. (Steven has been advocating for a motorcycle since day one and I have been just as stubborn in making my appeal for a car. Who wants to go get groceries on a motorcycle? Not me.)

Here was the scene:
Me: “I really want a car. I don’t want to run errands on a motorcycle. That is scary and really intimidating, Steven. And what if we have a baby? Then what am I going to do? Strap our newborn on my back, hop on the bike and ride to the store? I don’t think so.”

Steven: “Babe, we’ll just have to wait and see. I just think a motorcycle is a good first step for us.”

Me: “Motorcycles are dangerous! You really need to think about my safety. You don’t care about it the way my dad does.”

Steven: “Yes, I do.” (I think he started to sense what I was feeling because at this point he pulled me closer)

Me: “ What am I going to do when my daddy is so far away? (insert tears here).”

Steven: (hugs me even tighter)

Me: “Oh, Steven... I AM GOING TO MISS MY DAD SO MUCH.”

And so, the weeping began. A gut-wrenching, let-it-all-out, deep, painful sob. One that admitted how much I was hurting. The type of sob that gives yourself freedom to express the pain.

And you know what? It felt so good.

One of the things that Steven and I have started to do recently is grieve. It may seem weird to some, but it has begun a really healthy process for us both. We are beginning to understand that "preparing to go" and "preparing to leave" are completely different things. "Preparing to go" gets us excited and pumped. "Preparing to leave" makes my heart heavy and my stomach upset. We realized that we have been so focused on getting to Thailand that we haven't allowed ourselves the freedom to be sad about all we are leaving behind. It's like we kept telling ourselves things like...
"Suck it up."
"There's no time to be sad."
"Just don't think about it."
"Deal with it later."

And maybe the worst one yet,

"This shouldn't be hard. We have no right to be sad. This was our choice."

But the reality is, this is hard. And even though we are excited about what lies ahead, that doesn't mean we don't feel this deep ache in our hearts about leaving. And as "unmissionary" as it may be to confess our struggle in our decision to serve God overseas, the truth of the matter is we do.

People always tell us what fun we'll have or how jealous they are of what we are doing. We always politely agree, but never tell them how we really feel...or how they would really feel if they were in our position. Because the truth of the matter is, it's not fun selling your things. It's not fun trying to pack your life into 2 suitcases. It's not fun missing out on holidays, birthdays, and family gatherings.
And it's definitely not fun thinking about saying goodbye to everyone we've ever loved and cared about.

Why would anyone be jealous of that?

The process of really admitting all these things to ourselves came a couple of weeks ago. We were doing a session about grief and loss during our training in Colorado. Our leader encouraged us to think about the specific losses in our lives that will inevitably happen with moving overseas. Our loss of identity, our homes, our support systems, our safety, our dreams. He had us write them all down, admit them before the Lord and grieve them together. As a community. Normally, we grieve alone. In our rooms. Behind closed doors. This time, he wanted us to experience the gift of grieving together as a community. With people who were going through the exact same emotions that we were. People who understood the paradox of being extremely excited and sad all at the same time.

And wow, what a breakthrough. For all of us.

We, all 50 of us--going to over 20 different countries all over the world, sat in a circle and shared our pains, fears, losses and confessions out loud with one another.

"I'm leaving behind my dream of a life. I'm no longer able to do what is "normal" for me. I'm leaving my hope of family behind. I'm accepting a life alone. It hurts."

"I am going from being my mom's favorite person in the world to her deepest pain."

"I dont want to watch my kids grow through pain. You are asking me to release my goals and pick up yours."

"God, it really hurts that I have to leave my family. I feel like I'm not myself when I'm not with them and they don't seem complete without me. Help me to know, feel and believe that you are my strength, my parents' strength, my sister's strength, my grandparents strength, my friends' strength."

"What if we leave as a family of 5 and come back less?"

"God, it's too hard watching my family suffer as we separate. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to give up my mom, my dad, my brother, my sisters, my best friends. This is too hard."

"I'm going to miss seeing my nieces and nephews grow up."

"Jesus, I forgive you for letting me go through this alone, but knowing you're at my side truly makes me complete. Knowing you have other plans for me is daunting but I'm letting go and letting you."

Pretty soon the room was full of tears. Because as you saw different people stand up and share their personal losses, you deeply empathized with them because you were feeling the same loss. And in that moment, I began to feel normal. Understood. Not alone. It was there that Steven and I found such strength in our weakness.

"I trust that home will be where You are. I trust that there is more blessing in the unknown than the yellow house with a white picket fence."

"We feel like my goodbye to our grandparents is like saying 'see you in heaven'. And we selfishly want You to take them before we go, so we don't have to grieve their loss alone in Thailand."

"Why did You give us such great families that make it so hard to say goodbye to?"

"I give up my dream of the farm, the security of a job, the desire to live close to family. Your will, not mine."

So this is where we're at. Steven and I are learning to grieve. We are learning that when the sad moments come to not push them away. We are learning to be unashamed of our grieving and to welcome its sanctification. We are learning that in order to say "hello" well in Thailand, we have to say "goodbye" well here. And we are learning to cling to James 1:2-4...

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
And let steadfastness have its full effect,
that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

My dear SPLICE community, may we count it ALL JOY. The goodbyes, the tears, the pain, the fears. May we grow in our faith through our grief and know the love and sacrifice of our Lord Jesus more deeply because of it.

Psalm 30:5b Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

A transformed life.

It all started two weeks ago in a small-town, Colorado coffee shop. A bunch of us girls decided to go grab coffee together after an exhausting first week at Mission Training.

To us, it was just another Saturday. To God, it was the beginning of something beautiful. Little did we know that God was going to invite us in to see and experience His power like we never had before.

Her name is Sara.

And she was working at the coffee shop that day. As we walked in, she noticed our smiles, our joy and they way we carried ourselves with an inner confidence. She later told us that she had seen the power of God within us and knew we had something valuable.

Sara has lived a hard life. A young, single mother. A recovering alcoholic and drug addict. An ex-dancer with a torn up body. A wandering girl, looking for answers.

Unknown to us, God had been working mightily in her life that past week. From anonymous envelopes of money showing up on her door step to pay the bills, to random lyrics touching the innermost parts of her soul. Sara knew that God was trying to get her attention--as scary as that was to her. Naturally, you can imagine her reaction when a bunch of missionaries randomly walked into her coffee shop that Saturday morning. She knew it was another blatant act from God and something in her heart told her she could no longer ignore it.

And so, as we were leaving the coffee shop, Sara nervously rushed up to us. She explained that she had a lot of questions about God and that she couldn't let us leave without asking if she could talk with us.

And so it began.

Our two week journey with her. Lots of late nights listening to her struggles, her past hurts, her deep questions. Lots of conversations over God's extravagant love for her, what it means to be forgiven, and how becoming a Christian is more than just saying a prayer.

How it's a transformed life.

It's the power of God at work within you. It's His desires becoming yours. It's admitting you've gone astray and crawling back to His throne of grace. It's less of you, more of God. It's faith like a child, holding on to new mercies every morning, being in awe of the character and love of God.

And somewhere in the midst of all this, Sara began to change. God was grabbing hold of her heart and renewing her mind. We saw her struggle, yet only to be met with His grace. We saw her discover who she was in Christ, a new creation made for His glory. We saw her embrace forgiveness, understanding it better than so many of us.

We saw Sara come to know Jesus, falling in love with His love.

A week or so after meeting with her, she came over to read us a letter she had written to God. Still unsure of how to pray, we had encouraged her to write down what God was teaching her. We didn't know what she would write, but told her to be honest and vulnerable. We knew God would delight in whatever she wrote, but had no idea how deep and impactful her words would be.

This is what she shared with us.

God,
Who am I? Without you I am nothing. Dead in my transgressions and sins. A follower of my sinful nature and human desires. An object of wrath. A lost hopeless little girl. A wandering creature of darkness. A soul that is always searching, never finding, a soul that is dead. Empty and wanting, lonely, and desperate to feel alive. That’s what I am.

The faith I have is very small, GOD but it is pure. Please, I BEG you! Help me to find the faith of a child. Not doubting or questioning your truth with my polluted mind. God, I know so little about who you are. Show me! I want to know you. I want to experience every bit of who you are.

You are perfect, I know that. And I’m just me, Sara. I’m a sinner, I’ve sinned so much and I will sin again. I am human and therefore innately this way. Thank you, Jesus, for creating me as a human so that I could worship you. So that I could truly appreciate how incredible you are. I am so humbled that you sought me out! YOU PICKED ME! You! The beginning and end of EVERYTHING wanted ME! You said in the Bible, "I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me". Thank you for revealing yourself to me. Thank you for washing away my sin so that I can talk to you like this, right now. Your grace is incomprehensible.

Your love is amazing, wondrous. You sent your only son, Jesus, down from heaven, to die by crucifixion...the most dreaded, gory, and disgraceful execution ever conceived...all so that I could have a way to know you! And God, you didn't stop there. No way, not you! Then you said, "What more? What else? I want you to depend on me throughout your life on earth. I want to take all of your burdens on my shoulders. I want to take care of you, Sara." What love is that? Not any love I know of on this earth. God, Your love is unfathomable.

I AM YOURS GOD! You are my Savior, I believe that. Help me, God, to make you Lord of my life. I don't even know where to begin. God, come into my soul live right here in my heart...you have shown me that its where you want to be. You sought me out and you trust me enough that you want your spirit in me. I welcome you with a humbleness I cannot explain in words, but that I know you see in my heart. This girl was created for your glory, so here I am. Unworthy and sinful but ready for you. I am not my own! You bought me at a price. And a price no one could possibly measure. I abandon me God, I give who I was to you, and now God I ask that you show me who you created me to be.

I love you, and… I love the way you love me.
Sara

Wow, God.

I am humbled. What a privilege to watch God mightily work in her life. I couldn't believe that a week prior Sara had had no concept of God. She had never read the Bible, never stepped foot in a church, never even acknowledged the existence of God. To see Him reveal such depth to her has built up my faith. I am learning it is God who rescues, not me.

I am encouraged. Since that letter, Sara keeps discovering new things about God and can't seem to get enough. Within a week, she had read multiple books of the Bible and has been teaching me things about faith in God. I am learning from a new sister in Christ.

I am refreshed. She hungers for the Word of God much more than I do. Seeing her revel in the truths of the Gospel has made me do the same. I am learning to remember my first love--the saving power of faith in Christ Jesus.

What a honor to watch God's heavy pursuit of Sara. I am so thankful for such an eternal purpose--to be a part of His work here on earth.

Knowing Sara and being a small part of her journey with God makes me excited for the rest of my life. Thailand or no Thailand, God is at work everywhere, all the time. What a joy it is to see Him continue to transform my life, but also the lives of those around me. What a blessing it is to know and serve this great God, with whom all things are possible.

Back to the Basics.

I am a child of God.

Yes, I, a broken girl once dead in her sins, am a child of God.

Sometimes I need to stop and just revel in that truth. The truth that the infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, creator God calls me his daughter. As mothers and fathers love their children, so this God of the Universe loves me as one of His own.

I am a child of God, the King.

Woa.

The sad part is, most of the time I am so busy trying to work out my salvation that I lose sight of this. The reality is that it is easier for me to do things for God rather than simply bask in the beauty of being God's.

And lately, I have felt God calling me back to this simple truth that I am His and that being His is more than enough. I have felt God calling me to take a break from trying to figure out how to "best serve" Him. To stop my attempts at winning His approval. To put aside what I think I need to do to be a "radical" follower of Jesus. To let go of all these empty pursuits and instead, revisit the foundation of this journey with Him. To simply remember that a relationship must come before service.

God, in His tender and loving way, has been calling me back to the basics.

I think it started with this whole "radical" kick I've been on. And while I still believe in Christ's "sold out, sell everything, deny yourself" calling, I started to realize that I was being consumed by it rather than being compelled to it.

There's a big difference.

Being consumed by it led to obsessing over what I was or wasn't doing for God. It quickly became a tug of war within my heart of how much was enough. Going to Thailand wasn't enough. Selling everything wasn't enough. There was always something more I could, or should, be doing.

And so, I was constantly failing. Never feeling good enough. Always feeling restless.

And I started becoming bitter.

Bitter at the world for making it so hard to die to self. Bitter at myself for falling short. And bitter at God. For giving me this impossible task of living in the world, but not of it. For convicting me to the point of guilt and shame. And bitter, so very bitter, for feeling like I had to earn His love.

It wasn't until I returned to the basics that I saw how I had twisted God's love for me into something conditional. Returning to the basics made me realize that I had let my actions dictate my relationship with God rather than the Gospel.

And here it is.

The basics: The just and loving Creator of the universe has looked upon hopelessly sinful people and sent his Son, God in the flesh, to bear his wrath against sin on the cross and to show his power over sin in the Resurrection so that all who trust in him will be reconciled to God forever.

That's it. When all is stripped away--the politics, the legalism, the hypocrisy, our self glorifying actions--when all of our sinful junk that we've attached to "religion" or Christianity is no more, we are left with this basic truth of the Gospel.

The basic truth that God has done it all. His love is perfect and His grace is sufficient. I have been reconciled to God forever and there's nothing I can do to take away from or add to it. No action of mine, however radical, will change the fact that I am His child and forever His beloved. His love for me is complete.

This is where freedom is found. When living in light of the Gospel, we experience a freedom to serve God out of His love for us. When living in light of the Gospel, we are compelled, not obligated, to give up all things to be more like His Son.

Before the basics, Thailand was about loving people and winning souls to Christ. Living in the basics, Thailand is simply about becoming more like Jesus. Bearing His image and glorifying God through His redemptive work within me.

So simple. So basic. Yet so radical.

Reversed thinking.

I won't be long-winded today. Aren't you thankful? :)

Just came across this video that I had to post. The thing I love about it, besides its awesome creativity, is the honest truth behind it. It brought me back to the way I used to think before Christ reigned in my life. The way I thought before God reversed my thinking.

It reminded me of the life-altering, 180 degree change in mind, body and soul that happens when you choose Christ. The world looks different, your purpose changes, you old self is put to death as we are washed clean and made a new creation in Him. It's quite amazing. Quite a miracle, actually.

And so...

Praise God for our new hope and life in Him.

Praise God for when our flesh fails, we are caught by His abounding grace.

Praise God for His rich mercies as we turn from our perverted and worldly thinking.

Praise God for reversing all things. For reversing our thinking, our way of life, our entire beings.

And most of all, praise be to God for reversing the consequences of sin and death by offering eternal life through His beloved Son.

To Him be the glory and honor and praise forever. Amen!

Hot Hesed!

It was one of the first things I learned about Steven's mom.

She makes the best salsa.

And so, you can imagine my excitement when she asked me to make it with her this year. Like my grandma's tamales, this salsa is a deep act of hesed. Not only is most of it grown from her own garden (something so foreign to us city-folk), but the entire process takes alllllllll day. No joke. We started at 2 and I left "early", before everything was done, at seven.

Steven excitedly asked me when I came home what I'd learned and when I'd be making my next batch. And while I wasn't exactly sure when my next salsa extravaganza would be, I did learn a few things. I learned that my mother-in-law is not just the best at making salsa, she's pretty great at a lot of other things too.

She's a great communicator. She's a great listener. She's a great worker, always running around doing big and little things for anyone and everyone. She's a great teacher, always directing others back to Jesus and His Word. She's a generous woman with a big heart for people. And basically, she's the best mother-in-law I could have ever asked for.

I knew all these things before we made salsa together, but it's always nice to be reminded of God's goodness in your life.

All in all, by the end of the day I not only learned a whole lot about country cooking, but I was also blessed to spend a wonderful afternoon with my beautiful mom-in-law. Good food, good company. It doesn't get much better.

Margie's Homemade Salsa :)

Fresh tomatoes from the garden. Washed and ready to go.


Put the tomatoes in boiling water to steam.


You boil them until the skin "pops" like this...


Once the skin "pops", it'll come right off. No tomato skin in salsa is allowed!


Rough chop the tomatoes--til you reach 16 cups!


Put the huge pot of tomatoes over the stove on medium heat. And start adding the flavor! A whole bundle of cilantro (Even though lots of people hate this flavor, you cook it enough that it's not too strong. It just adds a little kick.)


Onions.


The rest of the characters. Corn, beans (lots of em!), tomato paste.


Oh! Can't forget the jalapeno and cayenne peppers! (The Sauder boys always complain that the salsa isn't hot enough, so we left in all the seeds this time)


YUM. Gotta let is boil for a bit so the salsa thins out.


Add some canning salt and some sugar...


Then it's on to canning!


Put the jars in a big pressure cooker--with a little bit of water.


Then you just gotta wait. Wait for it to go all the way up to 15 lbs. Once it does, then you adjust the temp so it stays at 15...and then slowly goes back down to 0. (Margie says you have to wait til it hits 0 or else the lids will NOT seal and you'll want to punch yourself for wasting so much time.)


Finally time to take em out!


Leave them on a cooling rack and viola! THE BEST SALSA IN THE WORLD :)

Thank you, Walmart.

There I was. Hanging out in the book aisle of Walmart, just wasting some time by myself. (Wow, do I sound cool...) Anyway, after perusing all the food magazines, I turned to the books--particularly the Christian book section. Not thinking I was going to come across anything too exciting, my eyes were drawn to this little orange book.

Radical. Taking back your faith from the American Dream.

Sounded interesting. I took it off the shelf. But before I sat down to read it, another book caught my eye. This one was a little more flashy, with a boisterous title.

It's your time. Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God's Favor.

I was confused. I knew both were Christian books, yet both seemed to be saying entirely different things. One encouraging me to take back my faith from the American Dream, the other telling me to activate my faith by achieving my dreams. How could these two books be representing the same faith?

And so, with both books in hand, I plopped down in the middle of the aisle and started reading. Two different books with two very different agendas, both claiming to represent the same Gospel message. Needless to say, I was very intrigued.

"I could not help but think that somewhere along the way we had missed what is radical about our faith and replaced it with what is comfortable. We were settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves." -Radical.

"God promises your payday is on its way. If you'll learn to be a prisoner of hope and get up every day expecting God's favor, you'll see God do amazing things. You'll overcome every obstacle. You'll defeat every enemy. And I believe and declare you'll see every dream, every promise God has put in your heart, come to pass." -It's Your Time.

"We are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with...A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream." -Radical.

"A global recession has forced many to postpone their dreams and cancel their plans. You may have lost your job. You may have lost your savings, maybe even your home. It could be that you have health concerns or relationship problems. Maybe you are frustrated because it's taking so long to get where you want to be in your life. Yet now is not the time to talk yourself out of your goals and dreams. Now is not the time to get discouraged. You may think, as I did climbing that trail, that you're not even halfway there. You may feel you have so far to go. But the truth is, you don't know. Your dream may just be up around the corner. You may think it will take another two years. But if you stay in faith, who knows? It may just be two more months. You are closer than you think. I believe it's your time." -It's Your Time.

My head was spinning. As I went back and forth between the two books, my emotions were all over the place. One minute I was fired up about losing everything for the sake of gaining Christ, to not be fooled by desires of this world. The next I was being comforted that my dreams of owning a big yellow house were actually okay and that God wanted to give me such earthly blessings.

One minute I was believing in a self-denying faith. The next, in a self-indulging one.

And I felt like God was calling me out. Of all places, right there in the middle of Walmart.

You see, I blog about a self-denying faith. Because I truly believe that's what Jesus calls us to. And while there are moments that I would like to think that I obey His higher calling, these moments are too far and few between.

In all reality, the majority of the time I live a self-indulging faith. Even though I know it's disobedient, unbiblical and purposeless. I buy into the christianized American Dream and really do live like "it is MY time" far too often.

I'm such a hypocrite.

And I began to see my hypocrisy play out in a vision. I started picturing and wondering, what if Jesus came back and simply observed my life from an outward perspective? What would he see? Would he see a radical disciple who has given up security, money, convenience, and even family to follow Him? Or would he see a sell-out? A fake? A dirty prostitute who whores herself after every desire of this world?

The thought and humbling truth of the vision sent shivers down my back and tears down my face. I imagined Jesus spitting me out of his mouth. I imagined Him saying, "You are radical in words, yet lukewarm in your actions. You have gained the world, but have forgotten me. My child, I wish I knew you."

Ugh. The things you learn in Walmart. If I would have known my ugliness and hypocrisy were going to be called out like that, I would have never walked down that aisle. But there I was, learning tough truth in the most unexpected of places. I hate, yet love it when God does that.



Lord, help us. We do not know how to live a life of radical faith. We have made your calling cheap and easy. And a lot of the time, we don't care. Show me how to live and believe according to your Word, not by the world around me. Raise up examples of what You expect of us. Show me, forgive me, teach me, mold me. Help me, this blog, my life, not be a hindrance to the Gospel, but a way to show people that You are worth more than whatever this life has to offer. Help me, Lord Jesus. Help me take back my faith from the American Dream.

What a beautiful God.

Phew! It's been about a month since I've posted something, but man, what a month it's been! We have successfully moved out of our place in Oak Park and transitioned to life on the farm! While we've been busy with wrapping up one life in Chicago and starting a new one in the country, we also have been having a little fun. :) Amazingly, Steven and I were allowed to take a 2 week vacation to the West Coast this past month. God worked out every single detail to allow us this time to relax and rejuvenate. We started in San Diego and drove up the coast all the way to Seattle...Steven driving the entire way. :)

But this post isn't about our vacation. Or about how we're transitioning to a new life. It's about our beautiful God. Something we couldn't escape as we made our way along Highway 1.

I was telling someone the other day that our trip felt like being in a constant state of worship. How could it not looking at God's overwhelming beauty all around us? It made me think of His power, His creativity, His everlasting hesed. It made me feel small, yet entirely significant that the Creator of all of this could love little ole me.

Because words just wouldn't do, I made a little video of pictures from our trip accompanied by one of our favorite songs that we liked to sing while driving. I pray that you can marvel at how breathtaking, enormous and beautiful our God really is as He expresses Himself through all creation.

Like the morning fog.

What is your life?
For it is like the morning fog.
It is here for a little while,
then it is gone.
~James 4:14

With the passing of Steven's friend this week, we've been thinking about this concept a lot.

Our lives are like the morning fog.

As Steven and I sat in the revival service for Jordan on Tuesday, I think this idea hit us hard. To see this young man's life come and go so quickly, it was a hard yet necessary reminder that our time here is short. And only what is done for eternity will last. Naturally, this question kept running through my head...What are we doing with our limited, finite, like-the-morning-fog lives?

And why are we doing what we're doing?

We go to work, we're involved in church, we have good community, we love our kids. All good things, but if we are honest with ourselves, they're all pretty comfortable things too. Yet we itch to do more for God, we pray about it in Bible Study, we say we're going to be more influential in our every day lives. But when it comes down to it, we end up doing nothing. (Steven and I have been living and feeling this way for the past two years now...)

So why do we end up doing nothing? Is it because we're lazy? Insincere? Scared? Maybe. I'm sure I've been all of the above at some point in my life. But sitting at the funeral, I was hit with what I think is at the core of all of this: We live complacent, boring and comfortable lives because we value our lives here on earth way too much.

You see, we actually love our lives. We love the comforts. We love the security. We love having family close. We love being able to plan our lives and see it come to be. And because of that, we miss out on so much that God has called us to.

So many people wait for a calling from God. They think He needs to write something out in the clouds, send a vision or "speak" to our hearts. And if this "calling" doesn't come, well then we just keep on living our lives the way we, deep down, really want to.

People tell us all the time that they love that we're going to Thailand, but that they just haven't been "called" to "missions". Most of the time I politely nod and agree, but I am always left confused. Steven and I feel like we haven't been "called" either. We got no note from God in the clouds. We had no vision. We didn't hear the Lord speak to us in a loud booming voice.

But, we know that there is 1 Christian worker for every 200 people in the United States. And in Thailand there is 1 missionary for every 50,000. We know that we are overloaded with the Gospel, with Christian books, with sermons, with varying churches to fit our own styles. And we know that there are people in the world who have never heard the name "JESUS". We are convinced that God's heart is for the whole world to know of His love, grace and redemption plan. And we are saddened that there are people, cities, countries who have no idea.

That's our calling.

On the car ride home from the funeral, Steven and I were talking about our fleeting lives. How we've been reminded that our time here is like the morning fog. Quick to appear, quick to fade. The concept is so simple, yet entirely complex. It's far too easily ignored, yet if taken seriously could be life-altering.

With tears running down my face, I just turned to him and said, "Why wouldn't we go to Thailand?"

He just smiled at me and said, "My thoughts exactly."

This whole idea reminded me of a poem I once heard. It's written by one of the greatest missionaries of all time, C.T. Studd. A man who considered his life like the morning fog, yet completely worthy of the calling.

“Two little lines I heard one day, Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart, And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet, And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice, Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave, And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years, Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill, living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore, When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way, Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep, In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife, Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn, And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone, Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call, I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

Through the pain...

...will my faith remain?

Through the pain, when I don't understand His ways, and when giving up and giving in seems so much easier, will I turn to my God and seek His face? Or will I crumble with the world around me and blame Him for it all...

For quite some time now, I have had this feeling that God is preparing me for something BIG. And by BIG, I don't mean something new and exciting. By BIG, I mean something life-altering, heart-wrenching, and tragically-unexpected. (Not to be a complete "Debbie Downer" or anything...) But sometimes I feel like I am in the process of being built up so that I can be prepared to fall...and fall well. After all, it's bound to happen at some point. And when it does, I want to be found faithful. I want to be able to suffer well.

Below are two examples of families whose faith remains. They are ordinary families who are living extraordinary lives. Not only because of their incredible strength, but because they are seeking to GLORIFY GOD through their suffering. Imagine that. They have somehow been able to forgo wallowing in self pity and have instead turned their pain and trials into an opportunity to make Christ known. It's not about them--their problems, their hurt, their fears--even though there are days that I am sure it feels that way. Rather, it's all about God--clinging to His hesed, His promises, and desiring His ways above theirs. To me, they are the true heroes of the faith.



To hear the entire song that they wrote for their daughter, you can watch the video below. The lyrics are so amazing, so beautiful.


The other family are dear friends. Jordan, a good friend of Steven's from high school, his wife Katelyn, and their two beautiful young girls. Just last year, Jordan was diagnosed with a rare cancer in his pelvis and lungs. This is their blog. Their story. Their fight. Their faith in a miraculous God as they walk through this scary and uncertain time. It has been nothing short of amazing following them on their journey of highs and lows. They are real life examples of people living out 1 Peter 1:6-7.

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

Just think. Because these families have remained strong and faithful through their pain and suffering, they will receive much praise, glory and honor from their Heavenly Father on that glorious day. Let me say it again. The Creator of heaven and earth. The Alpha and Omega. The holy and righteous God. The everlasting King. will. give. them. honor. and. praise.

That's the wonderful joy ahead. That's rejoicing in the midst suffering. That's the hope they have and so fervently cling to. All I can say is, praise God for families like these. For they show us how to suffer well. It is my prayer that I may be found, that we all may be found, as faithful as them.

It's a choice.

It started about two weeks ago.

My downward spiral into a deep and awful funk.

Words can't accurately explain what exactly happened, but all I know is that I hit a wall. All of a sudden, my hope and joy had quickly faded and I was left an emotional wreck. I didn't want to support raise anymore. I didn't want to be around people. I cried almost every day. Everything put me in a bad mood. Steven's job was driving me nuts. I was frustrated, discouraged, empty. Simply put, I had run out of gas, was completely miserable and done waiting on the Lord.

But the more I tried to gain control, the more I lost. The more I grasped for a "plan", the more ambiguous our lives became. Every day was the constant reminder that I had absolutely no control over what was happening in our lives. And well, that just sent me over the edge.

My poor husband. He didn't know what to do with me. With our two year anniversary fast approaching, I often wondered if he thought, "What in the world did I get myself into?" Nevertheless, he was so patient and kind. He prayed for me, spoke truth over me, and just held me when I needed to cry. He reminded me that God was in control and that He was preparing us for the uncertainty we'll face in Thailand. He put up with my ever-changing emotions and constantly asked, "How can I support you?" I was completely undeserving of his lavish grace and love. But even still, nothing changed.

I remember thinking to myself, "Will this ever get better?" and even doubting our call to go to Thailand. Surely someone who can't handle the little ups and downs here doesn't stand a chance on the mission field.

Thankfully, the Lord didn't leave me here. Thankfully, He met me right where I was at, messy and broken, and drew me close. It was as if He was gently beckoning me back to His throne of grace, asking me where I've been and how I'd gone astray.

He did this all through a simple song. I was singing it while at a Beth Moore conference this past weekend. The words were so simple, but struck me deep. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. We will wait upon the Lord..." I could barely sing the words. I mean, how could I? I was quickly reminded of an all too familiar quote: "Christians don't tell lies. They just go to church and sing them." I was immediately convicted. How could I possibly sing about joyfully waiting upon the Lord when I was making myself miserable doing so? I felt my heart asking,"Lauren, do you really believe this? Are you really waiting on the Lord? Or are you so desperate for control that you can't see the joy in His plan? Do you really believe that His plan is PERFECT? Do you really believe in what you're singing, preaching, blogging? Do you believe in the Gospel and it's power over your life?"

I found myself nodding, tears running down my face, guilt in my heart, saying, "Yes, yes I do. I whole-heartedly do."

And then I felt Him saying, "My child. Then why do you live like you don't? Live like you trust Me. Choose freedom over captivity. Choose to bear my image, not your own sinfulness. Choose faith. It's a choice, your choice. Now, choose Me."

And that's all I needed. A reminder to choose Him. And to choose Him DAILY. It's not enough to pick and choose which days I'm going to trust my Heavenly Father. The days are evil and my heart will be far too easily deceived. But victory comes in the constant renewing of my mind and heart--choosing to bear His image, choosing to believe His ways are higher than mine, choosing to believe that through the uncertainty God is the One in control, choosing Him...day by day.

As I sat down, freedom, peace & grace immediately washed over me. It's hard to explain the feeling, but all I know is that my heart had been restored.

I returned from the weekend and Steven immediately knew something had happened. I greeted him with my happy-bouncy-type hug and he just looked at me and asked, "Do I have my wife back now?"

And he did.

Even as I write this now, my heart is thankful for the timing in all of this. This morning we found out that Steven will be laid off at the end of the week. While many emotions stream through me with this new change, today I have a heart full of trust. Today I am confident that this is exactly what God wanted for us. Today I choose to not be bound by the worries of this world and instead choose abundant life and joy in Christ. Today I am thankful, so very thankful that God chose me so that I could choose Him back.

questions.

Do I love God or just love loving God?

Do I blog what I learn or learn just to blog?

Do I love others or just love so that others will love me?

Do I really understand when people feel called to "stay" or am I just jealous and bitter?

Do I love serving others or just love being called a servant?

Do I really love the unlovable or just talk like I do?

Does my heart truly break for the child prostitutes or is it just a cool bandwagon for me to jump on?

Am I genuine or am I a fake who spends most of her time judging others?

Do I honestly care about "every tongue, tribe & nation before the Throne of God" or do I just like sounding spiritual?

Do I actively forgive people or do I just let enough time go by til the hurt doesn't sting as bad?

Do I live as if God is my judge or as though other people are?

Do I really pray for people or just say that I do?

Do I repent because I am sorry or because I'm scared?

Do I live as though money belongs to and comes from God or do I live as though I am the one who's entitled to it?

Do I really like diversity and people who are different than me? If so, then why do all my friends look and act like me?

Is Steven my husband or my god?

Do I want what's best for others or really what's best for myself?

Do I live a life full of faith, love and grace or is it filled with doubt, hate and grudges?

Do I really think God is in control or do I plan and live my life as if I'm calling the shots?

Do I really know God or just settle for a casual relationship?

Do I talk a big talk but don't really walk the walk?

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me to the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

These are my thoughts and my prayer for today.

a parallel.

Sometimes people ask me about this "change" in my life. The change that is supposed to happen when one becomes a believer, but for me didn't happen til many years down the road.

Sometimes people ask me, "what in the world happened to you?" I think they look at me and think back to the way I used to be. Like I said in one of my previous posts, my life and dreams look a lot different than they did when I was a 16 year old girl. It's hard to believe that the girl who once slammed a classmate up against a locker while cussing her out is the same girl that's planning to be a missionary in Thailand. (Yikes. How much work the Lord has done in my life!)

But, seriously. What in the world happened to me?

Sometimes it's hard for me to put to words. Sometimes it's hard to explain how my life really has changed for the better, even though it seems like the call of Christ means giving up so much.

But then I discovered something that would maybe help illustrate the change inside of me. A parallel.

All I have to do is look at my brother and sister-in-law with their baby girl, Leila.
Their lives have changed drastically because of this little miracle.

For example...
Their curfew has changed. 7 o'clock is the new time to be home because that's when Leila needs to go to bed.

Topics of conversations have changed. Whether it was figuring out Leila's eating schedule, how to get her to sleep through the night, what new things she's discovering this week--I'm pretty sure those were things they never cared to discuss before being parents.

Weekend plans have changed. Now it's trips to the zoo, walks to the park, and restaurants with booster chairs.

Every day life has changed. Bath time is now a favorite part of the day. (I'm hoping that wasn't the case before Leila...)

Responsibilities have changed. No longer can they think just about themselves, but they are now responsible for loving, taking care of and raising this little girl. Life, their plans, their dreams are not about them anymore. All those things now take Leila into account.

Because of their deep love for Leila, a lot of things have changed. To an outsider like me, a lot of these changes seem like pretty big sacrifices. Even though I melt whenever I see my little niece, the life of a parent isn't exactly the most appealing thing. There are many times when I think to myself, "Man, if I had a baby right now I wouldn't be able to take my 2 hour trip to Target." That sounds quite pathetic, but it's true. I guess I'm still too selfish. I want to be able to do my own thing, when and how I want.

You see, I just don't "get it". I don't understand a mother's love quite yet. I don't understand how waking up in the middle of the night to a crying baby is "privilege" and how mom's take so much joy in something that is so sacrificial.

But Matt & Aimee do. If you ask them, despite all the sacrifices and changes their lives have undergone in the last year, I am positive that they would say that it has been their greatest JOY. That loving Leila is easy and that they don't even think twice about all they have given up because they know all that they have truly gained.

And I guess that's where the parallel comes in. Walking with God, allowing Him to change you, your priorities and your heart is a lot like becoming parents. To the outside world it looks like you are giving up a lot--your freedoms, your past life, your time--but to you, it's a natural thing that you absolutely delight in. Yes, there will be struggles along the way, both in your walk with the Lord and as your children grow up, but it's worth it.

Matt & Aimee have shown me that parenting is worth it. I want to show others that knowing God is worth it.

Knowing this parallel, I am excited to experience parenthood at some point in my life. I know that it will stretch me and challenge me, but I also know that it will show me in a new way how much God truly loves me as His child.