Sometimes my view of God is way too small. I don't know if other people feel this way, but it is often hard for me to really wrap my mind around how BIG God really is.
Yet when I stop and think about it, I know and believe these truths deep within my heart...
He holds the world in His hands.
By His spoken word, the heavens were created.
The winds and rain obey His voice.
Nothing in this universe happens outside of Him.
He knows all things, sees all things, ordains all things.
He is the beginning and end, the Alpha and Omega.
He has power over sin and death--nothing is too big or impossible for Him.
He is the Sovereign, Glorious, Powerful One in which we live and move and have our being.
My God is BIG. Dare I say, almost too big. His enormity sometimes leads me to His incomprehensibility. It's like I can't imagine all that God is because it is so beyond myself. So instead, I reduce Him to fit into a box that I can understand. Something I am more comfortable with. Something that looks more like mankind instead of someone completely set apart, completely holy, completely powerful, completely complete.
This is a dangerous slippery slope.
Because really, how you view God affects everything. The way you live, think, plan and dream. And the scary thing is, your view of God can change without you ever noticing.
Throughout this whole language learning process, I have continued to be challenged. It's an up and down roller coaster that feels like it may never end. One moment I'll have a successful and easy conversation with a neighbor and think, "This can be done!". The next I'm fumbling over my words, my mind completely blank and unable to produce anything coherent. It's not a pretty sight. But through it all, I was convinced I had held on to my BIG view of God. I was constantly praying for God to show up in big ways. For Him to supernaturally allow us to learn Thai well and quickly. Steven and I were always reminding each other that God had all the power in the world to allow us to learn Thai and that we were fully expecting Him to show up. I was even ready to give Him all the glory.
But somewhere in the midst of the highs and lows, my thoughts began to shift ever so slightly. While I still believed God was big enough to bless me with the ability to learn Thai, I started believing that He now needed me to learn Thai. As my relationships with Thai people grew, so did my desire to see them know Jesus. But instead of keeping God on His throne and trusting that He could work, it became all about me. I was beginning to have a schizophrenic view of God--thinking He was big enough to help me learn Thai, but somehow not big enough to save Thai people. ("Saving Thai people" was something I would have to do.) You see, I still needed God, but now God also needed me.
I have to learn Thai so my neighbors can know about Jesus.
I need to figure out a better way to explain the Gospel so Pawn really "gets it".
I need to speak Thai because God needs my help.
You can imagine the self-induced pressure this brought upon me. If I messed up in a conversation, I was letting down God. If I didn't push hard enough, it meant I didn't care enough about Thai people. If I didn't study enough for the day, I felt lazy and worthless. It sounds ridiculous as I type it out now (as most sin does in hindsight), but I was blind to it for quite some time. Actually, it wasn't until a couple of Saturdays ago that I even started to realize it. I was sick in bed all day and didn't get much studying done. Steven came in to check on me and when he asked me how I felt, I just started bawling. (Yet another "Poor Stevo" moment) Naturally, he thought I was crying because I felt so sick, but I was really just upset and disappointed in myself. I just kept saying, "I'm so sorry, Steven. I'm such a failure. I didn't study language today, I'm so so sorry. You married such a failure."
Yikes.
I was a failure of a person just because I didn't study one Saturday? It was my first wake up call that something wasn't right.
And then yesterday I was listening to a sermon (which I highly recommend) by David Platt. And he read the following quote by A.W. Tozer:
The hard yet freeing truth is that God does not need my help. He does not need me to learn Thai. God, the same God who breathes life into man and calls out the stars by name, has all power, all authority and all ability to do all things. And if I really believe this, then that needs to flow into all areas of my life. Not just some. I can't believe in the self-sufficiency and perfection of God, while also reducing Him to someone who is dependent on me. It just doesn't work that way.
God has called me to Thailand not because He needs me, but because he loves me. In His mercy, He has invited us to be involved in HIS great and sovereign plan to reach the nations for His namesake. The joy is not in being needed by God, but in being found and used by God. I can no longer mistake His willingness to use me as His need for me. May I continually be on guard against thinking too little of God and too much of myself. And may I choose wisely--not the path that leads to self-destruction, but the one that leads to freedom and worship.
Yet when I stop and think about it, I know and believe these truths deep within my heart...
He holds the world in His hands.
By His spoken word, the heavens were created.
The winds and rain obey His voice.
Nothing in this universe happens outside of Him.
He knows all things, sees all things, ordains all things.
He is the beginning and end, the Alpha and Omega.
He has power over sin and death--nothing is too big or impossible for Him.
He is the Sovereign, Glorious, Powerful One in which we live and move and have our being.
My God is BIG. Dare I say, almost too big. His enormity sometimes leads me to His incomprehensibility. It's like I can't imagine all that God is because it is so beyond myself. So instead, I reduce Him to fit into a box that I can understand. Something I am more comfortable with. Something that looks more like mankind instead of someone completely set apart, completely holy, completely powerful, completely complete.
This is a dangerous slippery slope.
Because really, how you view God affects everything. The way you live, think, plan and dream. And the scary thing is, your view of God can change without you ever noticing.
Throughout this whole language learning process, I have continued to be challenged. It's an up and down roller coaster that feels like it may never end. One moment I'll have a successful and easy conversation with a neighbor and think, "This can be done!". The next I'm fumbling over my words, my mind completely blank and unable to produce anything coherent. It's not a pretty sight. But through it all, I was convinced I had held on to my BIG view of God. I was constantly praying for God to show up in big ways. For Him to supernaturally allow us to learn Thai well and quickly. Steven and I were always reminding each other that God had all the power in the world to allow us to learn Thai and that we were fully expecting Him to show up. I was even ready to give Him all the glory.
But somewhere in the midst of the highs and lows, my thoughts began to shift ever so slightly. While I still believed God was big enough to bless me with the ability to learn Thai, I started believing that He now needed me to learn Thai. As my relationships with Thai people grew, so did my desire to see them know Jesus. But instead of keeping God on His throne and trusting that He could work, it became all about me. I was beginning to have a schizophrenic view of God--thinking He was big enough to help me learn Thai, but somehow not big enough to save Thai people. ("Saving Thai people" was something I would have to do.) You see, I still needed God, but now God also needed me.
I have to learn Thai so my neighbors can know about Jesus.
I need to figure out a better way to explain the Gospel so Pawn really "gets it".
I need to speak Thai because God needs my help.
You can imagine the self-induced pressure this brought upon me. If I messed up in a conversation, I was letting down God. If I didn't push hard enough, it meant I didn't care enough about Thai people. If I didn't study enough for the day, I felt lazy and worthless. It sounds ridiculous as I type it out now (as most sin does in hindsight), but I was blind to it for quite some time. Actually, it wasn't until a couple of Saturdays ago that I even started to realize it. I was sick in bed all day and didn't get much studying done. Steven came in to check on me and when he asked me how I felt, I just started bawling. (Yet another "Poor Stevo" moment) Naturally, he thought I was crying because I felt so sick, but I was really just upset and disappointed in myself. I just kept saying, "I'm so sorry, Steven. I'm such a failure. I didn't study language today, I'm so so sorry. You married such a failure."
Yikes.
I was a failure of a person just because I didn't study one Saturday? It was my first wake up call that something wasn't right.
And then yesterday I was listening to a sermon (which I highly recommend) by David Platt. And he read the following quote by A.W. Tozer:
Almighty God, just because He is almighty, needs no support. The picture of a nervous, ingratiating God fawning over men to win their favor is not a pleasant one; yet if we look at the popular conception of God, that is precisely what we see. Twentieth century Christianity has put God on charity. So lofty is our opinion of ourselves that we find it quite easy, not to say enjoyable, to believe that we are necessary to God.
Probably the hardest thought of all for our natural egotism to entertain is that God does not need our help. We commonly represent Him as a busy, eager, somewhat frustrated Father hurrying about seeking help to carry out His benevolent plan to bring peace and salvation to the world...
...Too many missionary appeals are based upon this fancied frustration of Almighty God. An effective speaker can easily excite pity in his hearers, not only for the heathen but for the God who has tried so hard and so long to save them and has failed for want of support. I fear that thousands of young persons enter Christian service from no higher motive than to help deliver God from the embarrassing situation His love has gotten Him into and His limited abilities seem unable to get Him out of. Add to this a certain degree of commendable idealism and a fair amount of compassion for the underprivileged, and you have the true drive behind much Christian activity today.
The hard yet freeing truth is that God does not need my help. He does not need me to learn Thai. God, the same God who breathes life into man and calls out the stars by name, has all power, all authority and all ability to do all things. And if I really believe this, then that needs to flow into all areas of my life. Not just some. I can't believe in the self-sufficiency and perfection of God, while also reducing Him to someone who is dependent on me. It just doesn't work that way.
God has called me to Thailand not because He needs me, but because he loves me. In His mercy, He has invited us to be involved in HIS great and sovereign plan to reach the nations for His namesake. The joy is not in being needed by God, but in being found and used by God. I can no longer mistake His willingness to use me as His need for me. May I continually be on guard against thinking too little of God and too much of myself. And may I choose wisely--not the path that leads to self-destruction, but the one that leads to freedom and worship.
