Same same... but different.

Same same... but different.

I can't even type that without getting a smile on my face. It makes me chuckle just thinking about how many times Steven and I have said that to each other these past 6 months.

We first noticed the phrase when walking around at the night market. Like most asian markets, most of the booths sell the same things. Little nick-nacks, t-shirts, statues, jewelry, etc. So when trying to bargain for a better price, Steven would tell the little Thai lady, "But I can get the same thing from the lady over there for cheaper!" And almost every time, as they held up their product with pride, their response would be, "Oooh, no no. Same same... but different." As if their product, that looked exactly the same as everyone else's, was in fact very different and therefore warranted a much higher price. The humor of it all.

And so began our love with the phrase. (Sidenote: It has become so popular that they even sell these t-shirts)

But as we have continued living in Thailand, the phrase has somehow made it into our daily vocabulary as we are constantly finding humor in the ways our lives are surprisingly the same, yet strikingly different.

Let me explain.

Language class. With Thai being a language with 5 different tones and 32 vowels, we have run into many words that, to us, sound exactly the same. For example, take the word "khao" (pronounced like "cow"). Depending on the tone, "khao" can mean knee, enter, he, her, count, horn and mountain. Now throw in a long vowel to make the word "khaao" and you've got yourself a whole new set of words: fishy, news, meal, rice and white.

Try saying the sentence, "He counts white rice."

Khao khao khaao khaao.

Is anyone laughing with us yet?

You can imagine our reactions when we're learning new words and our teacher says "khao" again. We laugh and say, "No! We've already learned that word!" Yet she just smiles, laughs a little to herself and says, "Oooh. Same same... but different."

I have a love hate relationship with getting things made in Thailand. Most of the time it's a fun project for me to work on. Getting our couch made, designing a coffee table, getting paintings done, buying custom frames. All good times. Well, most of the time. As an American, when I tell someone I want something made a specific way, I expect them to make it that way. However, I have quickly realized that Thailand doesn't work like that. Most of the time, they think you don't really want it the way you've described it and therefore take it upon themselves to change it to something they think you'll like better.

What? Why?

So when I go to pick up my order it's either completely different or different enough where I have a hard time liking it. When I tell them that I don't like the changes they've made, they reply with a smile and say, "Oooh, why? Same same." To which, of course, my retort is, "Same same...but different."

The sun. Thais really don't like being out in the sun. To them, white skin is much more beautiful than a bronzed tan. I remember the first time I went to the store to buy lotion and deodorant. I left empty handed because I couldn't find any that didn't have whitening bleach in it. We have been constantly amazed at what Thais will do to avoid getting tan. Walking with umbrellas when there's not a cloud in the sky. Only going to the pool after the sun's gone down. And this:

Wearing pants, heavy jackets and winter hats in the blistering heat. Every time we're on our moped, I'm always surprised as I look around. Thais are dressed like it's winter so that the sun doesn't touch their skin. I've thought about how vein that really is. You know, for them to make themselves so miserable just for "beauty". But as I thought about it more, I was convicted that I do the same thing. I sit out on the blazing sun, miserable and hot, just to get a nice tan. I buy bronzing make-up and lotion. And despite the warnings of it being dangerous, I lay in tanning beds and bake away. In reality, I live under the same mentality as the Thai girl who wears a fleece jacket and a ski hat to work. It just shows itself in different ways. And when I'm done being judgmental, I whisper to myself, "Same same...but different."


Our marriage. Boy, do Steven and I spend a lot of time together now. (Steven once told me that he married me because I didn't annoy him. And while that wasn't exactly the sweetest thing he's ever said to me, I have really come to realize its importance the past 6 months. Ha!) In the States, our lives were crazy. Filled with busy schedules, friends and many distractions. Here? Not so much. It's just me and Stevo. Taking on the world. (And by world, I mean the Thai language. Please refer to the "khao" paragraph.) But really, I think we've fallen deeper in love and have developed a deeper appreciation for one another through this season. Don't get me wrong, many things remain the same. We still fight. We still laugh. He still makes fun of my goofiness. I still make fun of his less than humorous humor. But many things have also changed. We, for the first time, really are living as one accord--in vision, in work, in life. And we really have become best friends--needing to depend on one another more than ever. When I think about our marriage, it really is the "same same... but different."

And the list goes on.

Driving on the other side of the road. Same same... but different.
Developing friendships. Same same... but different.
Doing "ministry". Same same... but different.
Dealing with sin in our lives. Same same... but different.
Skyping with family and friends. Same same... but different.

My walk with the Lord. Probably the strangest paradox of them all. For awhile now, my heart has longed to serve God overseas. While living in Chicago, my heart continually broke for the unreached people of the world. And so, I knew that coming over here would change my walk with the Lord. How could it not? With the last 5 years being a time of preparation and training, I knew that finally stepping into the battle would inevitably change some things.

I was right.

I think I have an even stronger conviction than before. It's one thing to think and read about unreached peoples; it's another thing to experience it. Seeing an entire country going after false gods. Developing relationships with real and genuine people. And finding yourself questioning the ways of God because of it. It does something to your heart. The longer I am here, the more I am convinced that the "harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few". In talking with our maebon today, I asked her if her parents were believers. She just casually responded with, "No. Because there is no one to go to my village to tell them about God." The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. I see it with my own two eyes and it just breaks me.

But as my convictions and hope for the nations deepen, many things remain the same. There are days that I wake up and don't want to read my Bible. There are times when I don't pray because I'm just too tired. My sinful desires of self-dependence and self-centeredness constantly creep in. And as my flesh remains, so does my need for my Savior. And as I continue to fail, God's grace is the same. Always available, always pursuing, always sufficient.

Knowing, following and experiencing Jesus in Thailand. Same same... but different.

The Gospel: Revisited

As of lately, Steven and I have been reading through parts of the Old Testament. And to let you in on a little secret, it's usually not my favorite part of the Bible to read.

I remember thinking as a little kid, "Why do we still read this part? God only seems mean, destructive and scary. Isn't He supposed to be loving, gentle and kind?" To me, it seemed as though God underwent a major personality change between the Old and New Testament. Old Testament: irritable and grumpy. New Testament: gracious and forgiving. The two just didn't connect. So for most of my life, I hovered around the New Testament. The parts of Jesus loving the unloveable and feeding the hungry were much more appealing than the God of the Old Testament who sent floods, plagues and unrelinquished judgment on the world.

And while I would like to hope that my faith and understanding of the one true God has matured and developed over the years, I sometimes fall back into my childish thinking that God has it out for me. That He's this big guy up in the sky who's waiting to scold and punish my every move. That He's really not a display of perfect hesed, but rather one of cruel and unfair hatred.

And so, I just couldn't help it. In reading all the stories of God sternly, brutally and powerfully punishing sin, my faith began to fade. I didn't like how God would give a command, someone wouldn't obey it and then BAM. God would strike them down. Just like that. To me, it didn't seem like the punishment matched the crime. For one small sin or act of disobedience, God decides to do away with the entire sinner? How is that the same God who claims to be the "compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin (Exodus 34:5-6)"? Nothing about it seemed to make sense. Usually after reading, I would turn to Steven and say something like, "Gosh, God was kind of harsh, don't you think?"

And ashamedly, somewhere in the midst of this, I was no longer excited to follow such a God. In fact, I think I may have started running in the opposite direction. I began to think that if I did anything wrong, God would surely punish me. If I loved Steven too much, God would take him away. If I missed my family too much, God would never let me see them again. If I wasn't radical enough, God would deny me at the gates of the promised land. Unknowingly, I found myself in this horrible thought cycle-- thinking I had to manipulate God by trying to appease Him. That if I did everything right, then God would have no reason to take anything away.

Being in Thailand, it is always heartbreaking for me to go to the Buddhist temples.

There's a deep unrest and sadness in me as I watch people burn incense, give offerings and chant prayers to Buddha--all in hopes of earning enough merit to receive blessings instead of curses.

But here I am. In Thailand, as a missionary, claiming to believe the Gospel.

Yet thinking and acting like a Buddhist.

Oh, how the truth of this just rocked me to my core and made me weep in shame. As I questioned and admitted this to Steven last night and this morning, I asked him and God to help me remember the Gospel. I literally asked Steven to retell me the Gospel because I felt like I had forgotten. I asked God to show me who He really is and to not be scared of seeking truth.

And this is what happened.

God reminded me that it is not about me. When I looked at the times where I thought God used harsh and severe punishment with His people, I was viewing it through the eyes of man. I have such a man-centered perspective of sin. To me, a little sin doesn't warrant death. But viewed in the eyes of God, it does. For we have infinitely offended a holy God and in turn, are deserving of infinite wrath. Because God is perfectly holy, perfectly righteous, perfectly just, perfectly hesed, perfectly perfect... any sin against Him does warrant death. David Platt says, "You sin against a rock. You are not really guilty. You sin against man. You are guilty. You sin against an infinite holy God, you are infinitely guilty."

So my question ought not be, "Why does God seem so harsh?" The real question should be, "How can I, a sinful man, stand before a holy God and not be destroyed?" For when the focus is off of me and my narrow perspective and turned to God and His grand perspective, it changes things. Instead of the Old Testament being filled with isolated incidents of God's judgment, it becomes a story of God's radical and incomprehensible grace and pursuit of undeserving men. For every 1 time God exercises judgment, there are 1000 times where He doesn't, shows patience and withholds his condemnation. I just didn't pay attention to those countless times because I thought those were a given. Something I had a right to. Something expected and already deserved.

I was wrong.

God doesn't change personalities from the Old and New Testament. He is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin from Genesis to Revelation.

And it gets even better.

Not only does God show infinite patience and mercy with the guilty, He had Jesus, His perfect Son, take on our guilt and shame at the cross so that we would be covered by His blood. Because of God's redemptive work on the cross, I am now blameless. Innocent before a holy God. So when God looks at me, He only sees Jesus' perfection. No dirt, no sin, no shame. Just Jesus.

Wow. This is such good news. The greatest news. Because this means there is nothing scary about God. Nothing to manipulate, nothing to appease. Because if God wanted to make me pay for my actions, He wouldn't have sent Jesus.

This is the Gospel revisited.