I couldn't help myself.

I'm starting to fear that this blog is becoming quite the "Debbie Downer". While I'd like to think of myself as a happy and bubbly person, I am usually moved to write when I feel just the opposite. When my heart is heavy, when my sin is suffocating, when my faith and life don't seem to match up, is when the words start to flow. And ultimately, it's where I grow.

And while I'd like to say that today is the day I'm turning things around, that I'm blogging about the sunshine and the springtime and the happy lighthearted things, I can't. Today's a heavy one, sorry.

I just couldn't help myself.

With the Easter season still fresh in my mind, I can't help but continue thinking about the cross. While I hate to admit this, I usually don’t like to think about it very much. Yes, I love to reflect upon what Christ’s death means, but I tend to gloss over the brutal reality and details of what actually took place that day on the cross. Oh how much the perfect Son of God endured for me, for you, for the world. It’s too horrific, too inhumane, too painful for me to think about.

But I need to. Jesus deserves at least that much.

To be frank, I used to even think that it wasn't that big of a deal. I remember thinking as a little girl, "Eh, Jesus on the cross couldn't have been too bad. If I had the chance to die for the whole world, I'd probably do it. No biggie." You see, I viewed Christ's death as rather simple.

He died. He rose again. Woohoo, thank you Jesus.

I didn't understand its depth, its anguish, its heartache. I guess my Sunday school teachers spared me the details and sheltered me from the gruesome reality. I'm thankful.

...kinda...

While I doubt I could have handled the following video clip as a young child, part of me wishes that this was more of the image I had of Jesus' death. Christ on the cross has become so commercialized, toned down, and kid friendly that, for me, has drowned out its deep significance and sacrifice.

It's hard for me to watch this. And I bet it'll be hard for you to watch it too. This video is painful, scary, and deeply upsetting. It leaves me with big tears running down my face. I don't want to watch it, but again, I know I should. I know I have to.

Not only because Jesus deserves that much, but because it helps me. It helps me grow in my love and sacrifice for the Son of God who loved and sacrificed so much for me. It helps me know His hesed more deeply, which helps me give it more freely. It helps me be more thankful, so truly thankful.

Though it's gut-wrenching, it really does help me. And maybe it’ll help you too.



Oh, Jesus... You bore that for me. The innocent and perfect lamb. Crushed and bruised. Hung on the cross. To die. For me. So that I may live. Oh, Jesus... How did you do that? You didn't deserve it. And I don't deserve what you did for me. Oh, Jesus... is this what grace feels like? Oh, Jesus. Thank you.

Oh, God... You sent your Son to die like that for us. How could you do that? If Jesus were mine, I would have ripped Him off that cross. Is that how much you really love me? That you would allow your one and only flesh and blood to suffer and die for a sinner like me? Oh, God... I don't understand this love, your hesed. It's too big, too radical, too unbelievable. Oh God, how much I love you because of how you first loved me. Oh God, how I owe you my life. My all. My everything.

Oh sweet Jesus, Father God, thank you.