We're moving.

That's right, the Sauders are moving.  (And no, not back to America. Not today, anyway.)

Last month our landlords broke the news to us that they had sold our house.  It came as a complete shock and I remember sitting on the couch just hoping they were playing some sort of Thai April Fool's Joke on us.  No such luck.  The reality remained that after almost 4 years in our beloved house, we were going to have to find a new place to call home.  (Thankfully, we know of a pretty cool business that helps foreigners relocate in Chiang Mai!  And actually, Steven found us a house within a week that's in the same neighborhood for almost half the price that we pay now.  Way to go, Expat Homes!)  But even so, this transition has been really hard for me.  It probably seems silly to some, after all, it's just a house... but I've had a hard time letting go and trusting God with this one.  (Big shocker, I know.)

Yet anyone who knows me well could probably tell you that there are two things that I've found great comfort in while living in Thailand; Pawn and our home.  In a sense, they have been an on-going encouragement to my soul when things have been hard.  A quick and tangible thing I could always thank God for when my heart was homesick or discouraged.  Well, in the last few months, for whatever reason God has chosen to take those two blessings away.  Pawn is no longer working for us and has taken a different job (a transition that's been even harder than moving houses, but that's another blog post in and of itself that I just haven't had the energy to process) and now saying goodbye to our beautiful and comfortable home.  The whole thing has honestly felt like such a big loss.  Pawn was not only one of my best friends, she was also my family and ministry.  Our home was not only a safe haven, it was a life-line for me to use my gift of hospitality and my love for gathering people together.  Like I said, the combination of losing these two significant and life-giving blessings has been difficult and has left me feeling lonely, sad or just plain angry more times than I'd like to admit.

Take this week, for example.  I've been so tired.  We are in the middle of packing up the house so we can move out before the end of the month, so I've spent my days sorting, piling, organizing, trashing and cleaning.  It's hot.  I'm pregnant.  We're living in a mess.  Steven's been working during the day and spending nights at the new house trying to fix it up and make it ready for us to live in.  Even though I think he enjoys the manual labor, it still makes for a long day for him.  And to top it all off, our adorable little William has fully embraced the trying "Terrible Twos" and I feel like all I've been doing lately is disciplining him.  So my day is either packing by myself or disciplining/talking with a defiant 2 year old.  Not what I call fun.  It makes me miss my mom, wishing she was here to pick up William for the day or to keep me company and help me pack.  And as you could probably guess, all of this has not left me in a good place.  I've had a horrible attitude.  I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.  I've pouted, complained and cried.  I've been ungrateful, crabby and a bear to live with.  In other words, I've been acting just like my 2 year old kicking and screaming the whole way to our new house.  

Crap.

One of William's biggest "challenges" is how he reacts when I tell him "no" or take something away from him.  He will either stomp his feet, cry, scream or deliberately disobey.  He's a stinker and is good at putting up a fight, rarely saying "okay" with a joyful heart.  Hmmm... I wonder where he gets that from?! Parenting is so humbling, isn't it?  You see so much of yourself and your own sin in your child and it often serves up a big dose of adult reality.  And that's exactly where I found myself today.  When William reacted poorly to something, I had to have this conversation with him (for the millionth time, might I add).  It went a little something like this: "William, do you trust Mama? Do you trust that I have your best interest at heart? When Mommy tells you something, it is for your own good.  It is not to be mean or to make you sad.  It is because Mommy knows what's best for you and it's because she loves you that she sometimes needs to say "no".  When you react like that, it is disobedient, disrespectful and shows Mommy that you are not trusting her.  I need you to learn to trust Mommy even when it's hard and you don't want to.  No kicking and screaming, no stomping your feet... trust and obey with a joyful heart, please."  As the words were coming out of my mouth, how could I not be convicted myself?  I imagined myself in William's place, only having the conversation with God.  Suddenly the "Terrible Twos" were looking an awful lot like the "Terrible Thirties" and I was humbled at the fact that I am still learning the same lessons that I'm trying to teach my son.  "Lauren, do you trust Me? Do you trust that I have your best interest at heart?  When I take things away from you, do you trust that I have better things in store?  Do you trust that I am a Father who loves giving good gifts to His children?  Do you believe that I am good and worthy of your trust?  Your complaining and ungrateful heart only reveals your distrust in Me.  Can you learn to trust and obey with a joyful heart?"  Man. I'm trying to teach William to trust me--his mom who loves him dearly yet is someone flawed and full of sin.  How much easier should it be for me to trust God--someone who has never failed me, loves me perfectly and is completely holy?  And how can I lose my patience with William, when I think about how many times God has had to have this same conversation with me?  What a patient and loving God to continue giving me chances to trust Him and then extending grace upon grace to forgive me when I don't.  

Needless to say, as I was giving William a hug and kiss to end our conversation, I felt like God was doing the same for me.  No condemnation, just love and a genuine desire for me to trust in Him and His goodness.  It was enough for me to gain a different perspective for the day, apologize to Steven for being so crabby and ask for the grace to have a joyful heart in the midst of disappointment.  So here's to tomorrow and hoping William and I can remember these truths... 

To those overseas moms...

I'm writing this blog today for all the moms out there.  Specifically, the overseas moms.  And even more specifically, the overseas moms of little ones.

I have lots of things to tell you (and myself).  Important things like you're doing a great job, you're so incredibly strong, you're significant.  You. have. value.  

But maybe most importantly, I want to tell you that you're doing enough.  More than enough.

It's an emotional thing for me.  The crossroads where motherhood and missionary intersect.  I feel it deeply.  Daily.  It humbles me, confuses me, awakens me, challenges me.  It's a continual balancing act and yearning in my soul as I try to make sense of my role, my call, my life. 

I came to Thailand because I wanted to be a part of change.  Change for good.  Lasting change for the Kingdom of God.  I wanted to be in on the action, to be up close and personal with the calling, to make a difference, to live for the eternal.  I've never really been okay with being on the sidelines (and probably never will) and I actually like that about myself.  It doesn't bode well when I try to fit myself into the stereotypical submissive, passive, quiet godly wife, but I've seldom longed to be that.  I crave strength, determination and independence.  It's one of the things Steven loves most about me.  I'm a woman of conviction with enough stubbornness to see things through.

I'm guessing a lot of overseas moms are the same way.  Our personalities differ, yes.  But the convictions that got us here are eerily similar.  Few and far between are the women who are here just because their husbands want to be.  The reality is, we want to be here too.  We have dreams.  We have ideas.  We have just as much of a calling.

And here's where it gets tough: For the overseas mom, our expectations of ourselves and our calling seldom become reality.  (Gulp.  That's such a hard pill to swallow. I cry just typing that sentence...)  The truth is, our lives aren't exactly what we envisioned.  One one hand, we love being a mom.  We love being able to stay at home with our kids and delight in the significant role that God has placed us in.  But we also feel this tug, this nagging sense that we should be doing more.  (After all, that's why we're here.)  We want to do ministry, we want to keep up with our husbands, we want to work alongside of them and be involved.  But that takes time and energy that we just don't have.  Language learning, grocery shopping, meeting with local people, disciplining our kids, doing ministry, cooking dinner, writing newsletters, showering, seeking community, cleaning, visa runs, taking our kids to the park, the list goes on... It often feels like we have two-full time jobs with little support or understanding from the outside world.  It's a tall order, only put on by ourselves, but a tall order nonetheless.

I remember crying on the couch to my dear friend right after I had William.  The reality of juggling motherhood with ministry was just so overwhelming.  I was crying to her saying, "I didn't move all the way to Thailand just to sit on the couch and feed William all day."  There was so much tension in those words.  They were hard to get out and even harder to admit.  Was I a bad mother because I wanted more?  Or was I a bad missionary for sitting there all day with my newborn son?  Either way, I was failing at something.  At the time it seemed like a death of a dream, even though I wasn't even sure what my dream was anymore.  "I might as well go home then."  This became the voice in my head and the ache within my heart.  Because the truth was, if I was "just" going to be a mom (and I don't say that lightly or take that for granted), I wanted to do it at home.  If I wasn't going to be at the front lines, I didn't see a point in being here at all.  I was just wasting people's money.  Wasting time.  And wasting the opportunity to be close to my family. 

I think that's the hardest part of being an overseas mom.  Just like any other mom out there, your life is crazy.  You're trying to survive the days without pulling out your hair, or yelling at your kids, or displacing your frustrations on your husband.  And you're doing it all while making huge sacrifices.  The sacrifice of living on support and feeling responsible to more people than you can remember.  The sacrifice of your kids never seeing their grandparents.  The sacrifice of being able to call your mom to just come over to help you.  The sacrifice of feeling stupid when you can't even hold a conversation at the market because you haven't studied language in so long.  The sacrifice of navigating a different culture and releasing your idol of getting things done quickly and easily.  The sacrifice of your self-worth and self identity.  The sacrifice of so many things all while you sacrifice the one thing that made it all worth it; your calling.

This is part of the journey I've been on the last 18 months.  And as I look ahead to life with (hopefully) more kids, I see the road only become harder, curvier, longer.  But I can write this blog today because I am painfully learning to lay down my pride, love myself and rest in the truth that I am doing enough.  And I want other moms to know it too. 

I want other overseas moms out there to know that your role is significant.  That your husband couldn't do the things he's doing without you.  He needs you.  Your family needs you.  And because of that, the world needs you.  In my struggle last year, I almost made my husband pack things up and take us home.  When you've made a choice as a couple to live this kind of life, you both have to be all in.  It just doesn't work any other way.  I can't be here without Steven.  And he can't be here without me.  And as I saw how much my role as a wife and mother affected our ability to be here last year, I unexpectedly realized just how valuable I was.  As I serve and love my family, my family can serve and love those around us.  It is foundational to our health, our success and our vision in being here.  By taking care of the seemingly insignificant and mundane things, I empower my husband to do some really cool things.  And suddenly that doesn't seem so insignificant to me.  Suddenly, my independent-stubborn self can feel the joy and freedom that can come in submission.  It's a first for me.  And something so valuable and really beautiful.

So to all the moms out there, keep your heads up.  You are doing exactly what you should be doing.  You are world changers every day.  And that is definitely enough.

the impossible.

Me:  "I think this is what "walking by faith" may look like.  When you've done everything you possibly could do and surrender the rest at the feet of Jesus.  Where we're living every day expecting God to show up, praying for miracles and knowing that it could all fall apart at any second.  A humility that only comes from realizing you're not in control and trusting the One who is."

Steven:  "But I'm not sure if we're walking by faith or just find ourselves in an impossible situation."

Me:  "Well yeah... I think that's the point."

A simple conversation over dinner last night in the Sauder household.  Steven, my hard-working, risk-taking, steadfast husband, is getting tired.  No, I take that back.  He's been tired.  At this point it's at a whole new level.  Exhausted?  Frustrated?  Defeated?  Maybe a little bit of everything...

These last few months have been hard.  (And yes, I am aware that I always say that...)  But let's be honest, we all know our journey in Thailand has been hard.  It feels like we've fought and clawed our way through these years, drawing from the deepest parts of ourselves at every turn.  And last night felt no different.

We are once again hitting turbulence with the many rules and regulations that the Thai government puts on foreign businesses.  It's a complicated situation that I even have a hard time keeping up with...

Here's a brief rundown: 
*Note: I would put this in logical order, but the way things work here there really is no "logical" order to getting this stuff done... It really puts my Type A personality to the test.

• We have to hire 4 employees (all within 2 months): This has been difficult for a number of reasons... 
  1) It's hard to hire 4 people when you're just starting a business.  Doesn't give Expat Homes any time to grow slowly... puts the pressure on to work beyond your own capacity. 
  2) It's been hard to fill the positions with the right people in such a short amount of time. 
  3) We can't seem to fill our last position and we've exhausted all our options.  We are basically waiting for God to send an angel through the door to be our 4th employee..

• We need to renew our business visa: The first business visa we got in Malaysia (a debacle in and of itself) was only good for 3 months.  In order to extend the visa to another 9 months, we have to show proof that we have hired and are currently paying 4 employees.  This complicates things because...
  1)  Our 3 month deadline is up May 12th.  That's in 6 days. 
  2)  We still have no 4th employee.
  3)  Our lawyer tells us we actually needed to have all of our employees as of last month... which means we already are past the deadline.  Awesome.

• We still need our work permit:  You can't get a work permit without a business visa and you can't get a business visa without a work permit.  It's a Catch 22.
  1)  We are still waiting on Steven's work permit because there have been complications with getting all the right registration paperwork for Expat Homes. 
  2)  Having no work permit, Steven is technically not allowed to work.  (We are trying to finish the office, but haven't been able to use it because it's dangerous for Steven to be there without a work permit.)
  3)  As a result, our house has turned into Expat Homes' temporary office... which has been really fun for me, yet also really difficult.  It's hard to keep an 18 month old under control while "Daddy and his employees get work done". 

• The Thai government needs to do inspections of the business:  We're told that unannounced inspections will need to happen in order to renew our business visa.  This means someone from the government will stop by the office to check it out, talk to employees, ask to see the right paperwork, etc. 
  1)  We've heard many horror stories about this as it's been a prime opportunity for them to ask for bribes since they know they're in the power position. 
  2)  Since Steven doesn't have his work permit, he can't be at the office working.  So how can they do inspections and talk to employees when they're hiding out at our place? 

So it looks like things aren't going to pan out very well... hence the dinner conversation last night.  For Steven, I know it feels like one step forward, two steps back.  I can see the discouragement in his eyes and how utterly exhausted this makes him.  But I know he won't give up and I don't want him to either.  By God's grace, my heart is full and expectant that He is up to something big.  Our lawyer says we can push this paperwork through if we hire someone fake.  But we will not do that.  He says that we can lie and have our other employees lie for us.  But we will not lie.  We could probably pay a bribe too.  But, we will not pay a bribe.  That would rob God of the glory He so deserves when He makes a way for us.  It may not be what we plan, want or even expect, but I do trust that it will be best.

And so, the saga continues.  Our last and final option is to leave the country again and start all over.  To basically do what we did in Malaysia and get another 3 month business visa that will hopefully restart the clock on a lot of these deadlines.  However, the thing that made everything complicated in Malaysia last time is that we did not have a work permit.  And we still don't.  So in order for this plan to even have a shot at working, it is crucial to have Steven's work permit before we go.

As of today, we have 4 days left to get it.

Assuming God does some sort of miracle, we will probably go to Singapore this time instead of going back to Malaysia.  (I highly doubt that lady at the Thai Consulate in Malaysia wants to see our faces again.  I think we used up all the grace she had.)  So, we'll take a stab at Singapore.  There's no straight flight from here to there, so we'll have to stop in Bangkok.  It may not be so bad for William...  Shorter flights are better for him...  Gives him time to run around in between layovers...
(Is it obvious yet that I'm really just giving myself a pep talk here?)

Sigh.  Truth is, it's another international trip for us (and another blow to the budget!).  Another adjustment for William.  Another long week waiting in line at the Thai Consulate, at the mercy of whoever is working that day.  It's just another big thing to add to our already overly busy lives.  But then again, it's another opportunity to walk by faith.

I'm not sure why I'm choosing to write this all out.  I usually don't blog like this.  I don't like rambling details, writing amidst the chaos with so many questions unanswered.  But today, I just felt like I needed to.  To stop doing and just write.  To record the impossible and then give it to the One in whom all things are possible.  To Him who is able to do far more abundantly than anything we can ask or think... God help.