more than lilies.

My God loves me more than lilies. Yesterday I was reminded of this.

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow...if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:28,30-33

So there I was. Lying by the pool, in Florida, worrying. The exact thing Jesus tells me not to do, asking the exact same questions Jesus tells me I don't even need to ask.

If you read my previous post, it's no secret that I've been fearful and struggling through the idea of raising enough support/money to go to Thailand. Sometimes I let my mind get the best of me and the doubt inevitably sets in. Other times I am hopeful and I truly believe God will accomplish His will for us to go to Thailand. I guess, when I'm honest, this dream for us is just so very personal. So real. So raw. And that's what makes this so hard. It's so much a part of who I am that it's hard to not take everything so personal. When the rubber meets the road, I'm fearful that if people reject our dream of Thailand, they're essentially rejecting me.

I know this is wrong thinking. I know I have to change my perspective. I know that this will take time.

And so, I have good and bad days.

Yesterday started off as a bad day. Lying by the pool, in my self-doubt, faithless attitude, worrying again if the Lord really will provide...

And then it happened. God gives me a big reminder that I mean more to Him than lilies.

Up walks a man. A very friendly man. He strikes up a conversation with Steven and I and we quickly find out he's a Christian, as well as a gifted entrepreneur. Obviously, him and Steven hit it off immediately and away they went in their conversation. It's such a joy watching my husband talk so passionately about two things he loves.

I was encouraged.

The conversation switches, as the friendly man pulls up a chair, and asks us about our dream. "So what is it that you guys want to do?" I believe was his question. Fascinated that a complete stranger would be asking such a thing, we humbly tell him our story--how God brought us together, how God opened our eyes to His heart for the world, how long we've waited for this opportunity, and how excited we are to go to Thailand. It was probably more than he bargained for, but he listened intently.

I was grateful.

After we were done spewing out all that we could, this friendly man asked us another question. "So, how can we, my wife and I, help you guys out?"

Wait, excuse me, what? I couldn't believe it. Seriously. I wish I could have seen my face in that moment. I wonder if I looked shocked. Or touched. Or emotional. Or fascinated. Because I really felt all those things in that one moment. This complete stranger, that we randomly meet during our vacation in Florida, asks us about our dream and then asks how he can help it come true. Come on now, how crazy is that? How truly GOD is that?

I was in awe.

As we continued on in conversation and eventually parted ways, this friendly man promised he would pray for us when he swims his 22 laps in the pool every day. He took down our names and phone numbers and asked us to keep him up-to-date with our lives. He even invited us to come over to his house this week to meet and talk with his family.

I felt foolish.

How could I not? I felt so foolish for doubting. Foolish for having such little faith. Again.

As this man walked away, tears streamed down my face as I turned to Steven and said, "This is how our God works, isn't it." This wasn't coincidence. This was God. And I love it. I love how He miraculously reminds me that He's paying attention to my needs, no matter how little or foolish. I love how He's the One in control, orchestrating this all together for His purposes. I love how He doesn't give up on me in my bad days. I love that He allows me to experience His Word and promises unexpectedly by the poolside in Florida.

Yes, my God will clothe me. He will feed me. He will provide.

Yesterday started off as a bad day, but ended so completely refreshing. For I was reminded that if God clothes the grass of the field with lilies, which wither and die with each passing season, He will all the more care for me and His Kingdom work. For I am forever His beloved. His precious child He bought at such a high price.

Yes, I am more than lilies.

Think McFly, Think!!

Okay, so I've definitely had my moments of imagining myself as Biff, knocking profusely on people's heads saying, "Helllooo?? Helllooo?!? Is anybody home? Think McFly, think!"

Do you ever feel like this? Where you think people are acting so foolishly, cowardly or faithlessly that you just want to knock em upside the head?

Maybe it's just me.

But I feel this way a lot when I read the Bible. Maybe it's not a fair judgment since I know how the stories turn out, while the people living and experiencing them don't. But I just can't help myself. Sometimes they just seem so hard-headed.

One particular instance this week stood out.

The Israelites.
I was reading in Exodus. I had spent the past couple of days reading about how the Lord had rescued the Israelites from the oppressive hand of Egypt. It was so cool to see how mightily the Lord worked and saved the people of Israel. It was a triumphant moment, showing God's complete provision for His people.

But that wasn't the thing that hit me. What came afterwards was what really got me.

Maybe I should back up a little further so you can see where I'm coming from--you know, get the whole picture. See if you have the same reaction as me.

Here's the play-by-play.

The Israelites, God's chosen people, had become enslaved to the people of Egypt.

The Egyptians came to dread the Israelites and worked them ruthlessly. They made their lives bitter with hard labor in brick and mortar and with all kinds of work in the fields; in all their hard labor the Egyptians used them ruthlessly. Exodus 1:14

The Israelites cry out to God.

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. Exodus 2:23

God, in his grace and mercy, rescue the people of Israel. In the really cool, mind-blowing, show-stopping way. You know, the story. The famous parting of the Red Sea.

And as the Egyptians fled into it, the Lord threw the Egyptians into the midst of the sea. But the people of Israel walked on dry ground through the sea, the waters being a wall to them on their right hand and on their left. Thus the Lord saved Israel that day from the hand of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians dead on the seashore. Exodus 14:27,29-30

The Israelites learn.

Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord. Exodus 14:31

And praise God.

The people of Israel sang, "The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him. Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders? You have led in your steadfast love the people whom you have redeemed." Exodus 15:1,2,11,13

But then, after all of that...

THEY FORGET. (insert my "Hello McFly moment")

As life carries on, and new adversities come along, they somehow forget. They forget how the Lord had previously taken care of them. They forget His power, His sovereignty, His goodness. Just one chapter later, they forget the praises they just sang.

How could they forget? How could they have such little faith after they just saw God part the Red Sea to save them?

Their excuse? They forgot because they were hungry. And they didn't think God was going to provide.

In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death. Exodus 16:2-3"

They really thought that God was going to abandon them--as if He were some evil god, rescuing them and taking them all this way, just to die and starve in the wilderness.

And of course God, patient and loving God, sends them food.

But once more, the people of Israel quickly forget after their stomach's are full. All because, this time, they were thirsty. Again, as if God were some evil god, rescuing them and taking them all this way, then giving them food, just so they could die of thirst in the wilderness.

But the people thirsted there for water, and the people grumbled against Moses and said, "Why did you bring us up out of Egypt, to kills us and our children and our livestock with thirst?" Exodus 17:3

Do you see a pattern here? I mean, doesn't it make you want to yell at the Israelites, "HELLLOOO?? HELLLOOO?? IS ANYBODY HOME?? THINK, O PEOPLE OF ISRAEL, THINK!!" Seriously. It's so obvious. They were so blessed. They had seen the Lord provide for them over, and over, and over again. Why did they doubt so quickly? Why did they forget the many expressions of God's mercy and love towards them? What else did God need to do to get them to lead lives of faith?

Jeez, Israel. You are so hard-headed.

I sit here, smiling as I write this because it's almost funny how hypocritical I am being. For if someone were reading about my life, I am sure they would be thinking the exact same things about me. I sometimes wonder if God ever wants to yell at me like Biff does at McFly.

He definitely should have last night.

There I was. Crying at the dinner table to Steven. Wondering how in the world we were ever going to raise enough support to go to Thailand. I was frustrated. I was scared. I was doubtful.

I was like an Israelite. Grumbling at God.

"But God, I don't want to raise support." "But God, I just can't imagine how you will provide all of this for us." "But God, it's too much. Too much to do and not enough time." "But God, why would people want to invest in us when there are so many other people and ministries to support?"

"But God, I don't want to have to live by faith."

I mean, that's really what it boils down to. I don't want to live by faith and I know that raising support to go to Thailand will require only that. It's something that I literally cannot do on my own. I can't rely on my own productivity, my check lists, my talents, etc. I am forced to rely on God and God alone...for maybe, really, the first time in my life.

It's hard to admit, being just like an Israelite. I wonder if last night God was asking me the same questions I was frustratingly asking the Israelites just a few days before. "HELLLOOO?? HELLLOOO?? IS ANYBODY HOME?? THINK, LAUREN, THINK!!" Seriously. It's so obvious. You have been so blessed. You have seen me provide for you over, and over, and over again. Why do you doubt so quickly? Why do you forget the many expressions of my mercy and love towards you? What else did I need to do to get you to lead a life of faith?

I cringe thinking about it. It's embarrassing to picture myself last night, crying like a baby, seriously doubting God and our calling, after all the Lord has already done for us. I know that God has grown me and brought me so far. I know there are specific times in my life where I can look back and see the hand of God at work. I know that He has called me out for a purpose.

I know all these things, but yet, I still doubted. I still forgot. I still had such little faith.

And to be honest, I am still struggling with these things. But I'm slowly trying to lean more on God. To say to myself, "Think, Lauren, think. Remember all the ways God has worked in your life to get you to this point. He won't leave you now. Trust in His greater plan and be grateful for the growing pains along the way. Have a little faith. And for goodness sake, don't be so hard-headed."

Welcome to our marriage.

The picture says it all really. I'm busy being ridiculous, while Stevo's just there--minding his own business, along for the ride, wondering what's wrong with me.

This picture makes me smile. Steven makes me smile. Better yet, our marriage makes me smile.

One of my friends made a list the other day of the silly things her husband now does because they're married. It was quite entertaining and made me think...what are the ridiculous things that Steven has acquired through marrying and living with this lil asian girl from the suburbs? Surely there has to be a few...

Ooohh, there were...more than a few actually. And I made a list to prove it :)

1. Stevo must now drink 1% milk--none of that 2% cream. Yuck. Not to mention, foods with "high fiber" and "low fat" have made it into his diet.
2. Stevo has become a true city driver, knowing full well that going 15 miles could take 15 hours.
3. Stevo's extra change now goes directly to the "Lauren's Target Fun Fund".
4. Stevo exists on much less sleep. While he supports my love for having people over constantly, his sleep time has greatly suffered.
5. While we're talking about sleep, Stevo has not only had to get used to sleeping with me, but with two other fun friends....Meet Blankie #1 and Blankie #2. Had em since I was a baby and I've taken them into marriage. While Steven hasn't exactly embraced them as much as I would like him to (he often chucks them across the room if they ever touch him and affectionately calls them "rat balls"), he still tolerates them. And well, I'll take it.
6. Stevo now watches LOST, American Idol, Survivor, the Food Network and any other TV show I'm currently hooked on.
7. Stevo, the small-town-farm-boy, lives in the suburbs. Enough said.
8. Stevo has 507 pictures of himself on facebook. All tagged and added by me. The last year and a half of his life has been fully documented. Sometimes he gets annoyed, but he'll thank me later.
9. Stevo now eats dessert after every meal...even when he doesn't want it...which is a lot of the time.
10. Stevo is now a gchatter.
11. Stevo now has to hold in a lot of farts. (He's allowed to fart as much as he wants, until a smelly one comes out. When this happens, I no longer allow him to continue any such activity.)
12.That's right. Stevo now has to dance at weddings. And I think he's secretly starting to like it.
13. Stevo now has an alarm set on his phone & computer to "alert" him of my "special time of the month"--just so he can be extra sensitive/on guard. (He's become a smart, smart man, no?)
14. Stevo is no longer shocked to find long black hair everywhere and anywhere. It's become a part of life and something to be expected.
15. Stevo has become accustomed to watching sports with a girl--which means having no one to really talk about the game with. But...it does mean having really good "game day food" and an enthusiastic cheerleader for the last 2 minutes of the game...if it's close.

So these may seem silly, but reading through them make me smile. Like I said, our marriage, in all its quirkiness, just makes me smile.

With Valentine's Day right around the corner and in thinking through this list, I was reminded of how blessed I am to have such a great husband. It's funny to think about how opposite we are, but how well we really do work. It's funny to think about how it had to be God who brought us together because we would have never imagined it for ourselves. It's funny to think of how many little things in our individual lives really have changed since getting married, but how much sweeter life truly is.

It's a major reason why I love my life so much--I get to share it with Steven. Call me corny, but it's true. I love how he's my steady force when I'm so up and down and everywhere in between. I love how easy he's made it for a person like me, stubborn and self-sufficient, to follow him. I love how he tries and tries and tries to communicate and pursue me even when I insist that "nothing is wrong". I love how he has studied me and knows me so intimately that he can predict the next thing I'm going to say or think.

And I love how he's become my living definition of hesed.

I know that no matter what, his love for me is steadfast and true. And even when I screw up, his grace and forgiveness cover me. In times that I have failed him, he's reminded me that nothing I do will make him love me any less, for his commitment and love is not based on performance or conditions.

I have found freedom here.

I have found a safe place for me to struggle, fail, question, and hurt. I have found a place to attempt things I wouldn't think of doing on my own, to take bigger leaps of faith, knowing that he's got my back. I have found someone who lives out Christ's love for me in a tangible, authentic and passionate way.

I am grateful.

I am grateful for our marriage. I am grateful for Steven. For the big, important ways he's changed my life. And for the little, silly ways he's let me change his.

Dear Lord, keep me safe and secure.

It's a prayer I've uttered for as long as I can remember. It's a prayer I've heard since I was a little girl. My dad, my amazing and loving father, just wanted his little princess to be safe and secure. I mean, who wouldn't want that for their child, their loved ones?

But realistically, it's more than just a little request we lay before God, isn't it? It's more than something we pray before dinner. Or before we fly on an airplane.

It's all we want.

Cmon, you've heard it before. I've heard it before. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've said it before. "I just want to get married, raise a happy family, live in the suburbs, have a nice house with a white picket fence, and die of old age. Oh, and love God." Yes please, thank you very much.

Safety and security. How dearly we value these two things without even realizing it. How deeply we pursue them. How focused our lives become on these two little words.

And furthermore, in our relentless pursuit of them, we've somehow managed to make them "christian". We've manipulated our faith to allow us comfortable lives, with minimal risk. We've made it okay to shut ourselves off from the rest of the world and are content to be in our safe "bubble". In fact, we've twisted it so much that it's almost looked down upon if you don't fit the mold of a "safe, secure, conservative, clean, happy, sheltered, never-struggling Christian".

We, okay maybe I should speak for myself here..., but I live as if it's my right to be safe and secure. As if I'm entitled to it--expecting God to give me safety and security and getting angry with Him when He sometimes doesn't.

Francis Chan says it better, and funnier, than I. Take a look.



So maybe Mr. Chan takes it to the extreme--but it's all true. We favor safety and security far more than sacrifice and surrender.

And I keep finding out that this is not biblical. (Dang it. I hate it when that happens.) For some reason, growing up, I thought that God delighted in my plans of valuing security. Like He wanted me to live in my happy, safe bubble. But I'm slowly learning that following Jesus has nothing to do with safety and security. In fact, it's just the opposite.

I mean, what part of Jesus sending out the disciples without food, clothes or supplies is safe and secure? What part of God sending Abraham to an unknown land while he was old and gray was safe and secure? What part of God's plan for salvation, sending His own Son to be hung on a cross, is safe and secure? Someone please show me in the Bible where God values safety and security as much as I currently do. Someone, anyone...anywhere, please? I'm currently reading through the Bible and I haven't found an instance yet. And something tells me that I don't think I will.

But I'm learning something else too. While God doesn't want, guarantee or promote "safety and security" in this world, He does offer it to us through a relationship with Himself.

This is good news.

And it just requires a slight shift in thinking.

While the world is shaky and constantly unknown, I know I am safe in God. If I risk for God, I have faith that it won't be in vain. If I lose Steven tomorrow, I am secure, knowing that I will see him again and that he is in a far better place. For God is in control and He is always good. And if He is both of those things, how can I not be safe and secure? It's just not the safe and secure that most think of. One is eternal, the other is temporary and fleeting. One is satisfying, the other leaves us only wanting more. One brings peace and rest, the other just complacency and loneliness.

Let's shift our thinking. Let's risk and do unthinkable things for God today because our real safety and security doesn't lie in this world anyway--it is in the hands of our good and sovereign King.

I'll close with this.

In C. S. Lewis’ allegorical classic, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the Beavers are describing the great lion, Aslan, to the children.

Mr. Beaver says,"You’ll understand when you see him."

“But shall we see him?” asked Susan.

“Why, Daughter of Eve, that’s what I brought you here for. I’m to lead you where you shall meet him,” said Mr. Beaver.

“Is – is he a man?” asked Lucy.

“Aslan a man!” said Mr. Beaver sternly. “Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don’t you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion.”

“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King I tell you.”

Hey, guess what?!?!

This is a common question I pose to many different people throughout my day. Most people don't really try and "guess what" because they know that I probably just have a random answer in mind.

Usually they're right. Most of the time, I don't really want them to "guess what". It's just my lead-in to get people intrigued about what new thing I am excited about that day. This is one of my favorite things to do. I love getting people on board with whatever I'm learning, discovering, reading, watching, doing, etc. I think it probably stems from my tendency to get overly excited about anything and everything--and well basically, I just want someone to share in that with me.

If something's really cool, I'm definitely talking about it to someone else, wanting them to think it's just as cool as I do. If I just read a fantastic book, I'll rave about it and force others to read it too-hoping they enjoy it as much as I did.

It's true, I'm always mobilizing...towards something.

I realized the extent of this the other night. Steven and I were out to eat at a new Mexican restaurant in Oak Park. New Rebozo. It was amazing. The ambiance, the character, the friendly chef that greeted each table individually, the food. Oh, the food. Pure deliciousness. As soon as I took my first bite of guacamole, I was sold. I quickly texted my brother and sister-in-law about how fantastic this restaurant was and how they just had to come here on their next night out. Steven just sat there, laughing at me, amazed that I hadn't even ordered the main course and I was already trying to get others on the 'New Rebozo Bandwagon'. I just couldn't help myself.

I like this quality about myself. It's how God created me and I'd like to think that He smiles down on my enthusiastic attempts at life. But lately, I have been wondering if He wishes I would use more of my bubbly personality to share the great things that He has been doing in my life. You see, most of the times I get distracted with the little things and forget about the big ones.

So, I'm correcting this issue now:

Hey, guess what?!?!

(insert dramatic pause here)

Something big has happened to me and Steven. Something that I should have been screaming from the rooftops the moment it happened, but instead have kept it pretty private and have therefore robbed God of the glory He so deserves.

(insert bigger dramatic pause here)

GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS. And here's how He's answered ours. IN A BIG, BIG WAY.

As many of you know, Steven and I have been planning to go overseas for quite some time now. It's been a dream of ours even before we started dating and has continued being an intricate part of our marriage, our relationships with others and our walk with God. To put it lightly, it's been our passion. Yet, 3 years later here we are. Still in Illinois. Still working jobs we don't really want to be working. Still not overseas.

As a very impatient person, this long process has been challenging. So to set a goal for ourselves, Steven and I said that we would try to make a decision on where we were going by the end of 2009.

So there we were, the week between Christmas and New Years. Still no decision and probably more confused than ever. We had different teams and places that were good possibilities, along with varying opinions on what this journey should look like. However, while many ideas were being thrown around, our goals remained steady. We desired long-term overseas experience. We desired to be a part of a team--to understand and experience the good, the bad, and the ugly. We wanted to learn how to serve, how to be humbled, how to be more Christlike. We hoped to be able to use our gifts in someway, though we were open to putting those aside if God had something else in store. We wanted to see the world--to see what God was doing and how we could be a part of it. These were our goals, our prayers, our vision. We just didn't know how that all added up and played out in real life.

So we did what most Christians do when they're at their wits end...we prayed. And we asked others to pray with us. We committed and asked others to commit to seeking the Lord through prayer with us for a week--in hopes that we could make a wise decision by the New Year.

God answered.

It happened when we were driving to Oklahoma to visit a friend for New Years Eve. On our way, Steven and I were praying in the car together when we got a phone call from an old acquaintance. It seemed random to us at the time that he would be calling us to catch up, but we honestly didn't think much of it. However, as the phone conversation continued on, I started to see Steven get excited. (This was exciting in and of itself, for I married a man who doesn't quite share my enthusiasm. Because of this, I knew something was up.) At one point, I even saw a huge smile break out on my husband's face and heard him say, "Oh man. My wife is really gonna like this." After what seemed to be like forever, he got off the phone and just looked at me with disbelief in his eyes and said, "You are never going to believe this."

Try me.

He then proceeded to tell me of this new opportunity we were being asked to consider.

The opportunity consisted of the following:
-Being a part of a new pilot team in Thailand. Ding, ding, ding! Thailand has been on my heart a lot recently and so I was already thrilled at the possibility of going there.

-Being mentored and discipled by the team leader and his wife (along with their 3 kids). Sweet, not only could we learn how to be a part of a team and how to be good potential team leaders, but we could also have the opportunity to see what it looks like to raise a family overseas. Keep going...

-Spending two years learning the Thai language and culture. Learning how to build cross-cultural relationships and engaging with the people. This would be a great opportunity to see a bit of what long-term missions would look like. We would go through culture shock, have to adjust to living away from family and friends, etc. This is starting to seem to good to be true...

-Learning with a team of business-minded people on how to do business well cross-culturally. The hope would be to eventually start a business that would provide jobs for the community, income for the local people, and the opportunity to see the Gospel spread. I mean, was this specifically created for my husband or what?!?.

More specifically, this pilot team will be a part of a new organization called Growing Entrepreneurs International. Its focus is to serve as a "middle man" between skilled and willing business-minded people and overseas missionary teams. As the face of world missions continues to change, there has been a great need for entrepreneurial skills. Even though much of the world today no longer allows "foreign missionaries", they do openly welcome new businesses that will bring revenue and jobs to their country. This has been a great opportunity for believers to not only bring the good news of Christ to a place that does not know of His love, but to also help develop struggling communities. However, a lot of teams have a hard time starting and continuing to run an entire business while also trying to do full-time ministry. Many of these team leaders are not trained business men, but rather pastors, biblical scholars, etc. There seems to be a great need to educate, train and equip people in doing business as mission. This is the need, the gap, that Growing Entrepreneurs International hopes to fill.

This was the opportunity presented to us--to be a part of this pilot team to Thailand and to help jump start this vision. This was the opportunity that put a huge smile on Steven's face and left me speechless.

This was the opportunity we had been praying for.

God answers prayers. In ways far better than anything we could ever imagine. In ways that are so perfect, so exciting, so humbling.

In ways that just blow our mind.

So, what's my point in sharing this with all of my 19 followers? Sure, it's an update on the journey Steven and I will be embarking on. But it's a whole lot more. I share this with you to show you how amazing our God is. It's unbelievable, really. Tears run down my face as I write this because I am in awe. In awe of how much our God loves us, loves to provide for us, and loves to show up in BIG ways.

I write this to mobilize you...towards big things. To mobilize you towards a greater faith. A greater faith in prayer. A greater faith in trusting God and trusting that He is listening.

I write this to remind myself of such things. To remember not use prayer as a last resort, but as my first priority in all that I do.

So hey, guess what?!?!

We are going to Thailand. For 3 years. Lord-willing. And we couldn't be more excited.

And hey, guess what else?!?!

It's all because God answered our prayer.