16 things to my 16 year-old self.

Has anyone heard of this book yet?  It's a collection of letters from different people, from all different walks in life, writing letters to their 16 year-old selves.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm all about the sovereignty of God and I believe whole-heartedly that God has used each of my past experiences to bring me to where I am today... but... this book did get me thinking.

Knowing what I know now, what would I tell my immature-dramatic-naive-16 year-old self?  

And in no time at all, I found myself jotting down these 16 things to my 16 year-old self:

1.  It's not about you.  And it's all about Him.

2. I know you're more worried about what's going on in school right now than spending time with your family, but one day, you'll want nothing more than to be with them.  Cherish the moments you get to sit around the kitchen table laughing at your hilarious brothers, making fun of your corny dad and cooking with your mom.  

3.  Remember how you thought Naperville would always be home?  Well, you're wrong.  Start putting down roots in your relationship with the Lord.  He's the only place that you'll be able to consistently call home.  

4.  Forget Spanish.  (You'll forget it anyway.)  

5.  Believe it or not, farmers still exist.  And not all of them have to milk their own cows for milk.  They can go to the grocery store to buy food just like you do.  I know... shocking, right?  

5b. And as if that wasn't shocking enough, I thought I should let you know that you'll actually end up marrying one some day (a farmer, not a cow).  Take a deep breath.  It's okay.  He's actually pretty cute and treats you far better than you deserve.  And no, he doesn't wear overalls.  Give me some credit here!

6. When you go off to college, stay far far away from the self-serve ice cream machine.  In times of stress you think that it's your friend, but trust me.  It's not.

7.  God wants all of you, not just some of you.  So stop thinking that it's a sacrifice to give your hopes and dreams to Him.  Because whatever you give up, He gives back 10 fold.  It's actually the greatest investment you can make with your time, money and life.  

8.  Khun naa^ ja` rian phuut^ phaa-saa(v) thai dtoon nii/ phra waa^ khun ja` yuu thii^ bpra`-theet^ thai nai a-naa-khot/.  (You'll understand when you're older.)

9.  Who you go to the homecoming dance with really doesn't matter.  What does matter is how you treat and love others.  You're not very good at it now, but God will grow in you a love for people and their stories.  

10.  Don't waste time on boys.  You're not ready to get married and you shouldn't spend time thinking about it yet.  You'll change so much between then and now that it doesn't matter anyways.  Instead, spend more time with your girl friends.  

11.  When your heart is broken, don't be scared of it.  God sees it as one of his favorite times with you. He gets to hold and comfort you like never before--it's a sweet fellowship that will change the course of your life.

12.  Do not, I repeat, do not agree to coach the freshman cheerleading team your first year of teaching.  It will suck the joy (oddly enough) right out of you.

13.  Stop bleaching your hair.  It's not flattering.  

14.  When in college, stay as long as you can (change your major a few times, study abroad, fail a few classes...whatever you gotta do).  No real responsibilities + lots of free time + friends within a 2 mile radius = Some of the best years of your life!

15.  Your grandpa is still your favorite person in the world.  Cuddle with him more.

16.  One day, you'll wake up (with your blankies next to you, of course) in a strange land, next to a farmer, speaking a language you've never heard before, eating strange foods and wondering how in the world you got there.  Don't panic.  It's all evidence of God's goodness.

... So what about you, my friends?  Is there anything you'd like to tell your 16 year-old self?  As silly as this was, it served as a great reminder of the crazy, radical work God has done in my life.  It makes me excited to write the "27 things to my 27 year-old self" as I anticipate God maturing my walk with Him even more in the years to come.  Praise be to the One who pours out steadfast love throughout the ages!  

Unexpected thankfulness

Well, I can now officially say that I have "survived" my first real holiday away from home.

Phew!

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday to celebrate with my family.  The strange tradition of going bowling with about 100 other Asians (I'm convinced that the people working at the bowling ally at 8am on Thanksgiving morning either hate us or feel sorry for us because they assume we don't know it's Thanksgiving...), eating Chicago hotdogs and appetizers at Grandma's house, watching football and taking naps, stuffing ourselves with all the traditional Thanksgiving fixings (white rice included!) and then finishing the day off with a rousing game of BINGO and ridiculous prizes.  Ahh, I love it all.

So as the holiday season approached, I was quite anxious.  I had already admitted defeat and was fully expecting to be depressed, lonely and sad on Thanksgiving day.  (You people out there seriously need to pray for Steven... He's got one emotionally draining wife on his hands!)

But, to my surprise, being in Thailand and away from my beloved family and traditions wasn't nearly as hard as I anticipated it would be.  I often wonder when I'll stop being surprised by God's goodness and gentleness with me.  Last Thanksgiving, I remember sitting around the table with my whole family having just come back from our 6 weeks of training in Colorado.  My emotions were high and the anticipation of leaving was more than I could handle.  As it became my turn to share what I was thankful for that year, my throat closed up and I was left speechless. (I know, I was just as shocked as you are...)  So many feelings were going through my heart at that moment-- being incredibly thankful and humbled by the love and support from my family, yet at the same time feeling overwhelmingly scared.  Scared of what the future would look like without them and afraid my heart would only ache every holiday I was away.

Yet, as I sat at the table this Thanksgiving the fear of the unknown was gone and my heart was full.  And even though I didn't get to go bowling, play Bingo, watch football or cuddle up with my grandpa for a nap, it still felt like Thanksgiving.  The faces around the table were much different, but each one represented God's faithfulness to me.  In less than a year, I was celebrating Thanksgiving with new family and friends.  With new traditions, in a new language, making new memories.  It wasn't sad at all.

It was special.

And for that I am most thankful.

Setting up for our guests

Phew, that was a lot of cooking!  Turkey (bought from an American restaurant), stuffing, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole, cranberry jello, my mom's famous marble brownies and Pawn's pumpkin pie!

Our Thai friends had never seen a whole turkey before!  And they ended up looooving it!  (Now Stevo wants to start a turkey farm here... yikes.)  Oh and I must shamelessly praise Steven for the awesome job he did praying and explaining the history of Thanksgiving--all in THAI!  Way to go, babe!

Our guests :)

From left to right:

Joe (our neighbor), Pum (Joe's wife and my language helper), Alex (Joe & Pum's son), Pawn (our house-helper), Mind (Pawn's daughter), Boom (our Thai friend), Som (our Thai teacher), Chris (Som's boyfriend)

What a diverse group!

The women in my every day life.  So very thankful for them.

Thanksgiving celebration #2 with the Hambrice family the following day!

They truly are our family here in Thailand.  Don't know what we'd do without them!

Quite proud of our homemade feast

Praising God for new friends that have become very dear to us in such a short amount of time.  Praising God for the intimate way in which He has cared for our every need this year.  Praising God for the love poured out on us through people back at home.  Praising God that we get to serve Him in a place that so desperately needs Him.  And above all, praising God for choosing us--for allowing us to know Him as our mighty King, our humble Savior and our gracious Father.

Happy Thanksgiving!  

Love, 

The Sauders

happy bounciness

It's no secret that I usually blog when something's heavy on my heart. It's my way of crying out to God, processing my thoughts and finding an outlet for my many emotions.

But alas, I haven't blogged in over a month! And even though it was partially due to laziness, it was mostly because life's been pretty calm around these parts lately. And for that I am so very thankful. After the roller coaster ride of what was going on with my grandpa, God so graciously gave me a little breather. (insert contented sigh)

So here's to looking back on this month with a thankful heart, seeing all the ways God has given me bits of joy.  As a self-proclaimed "happy-bouncy-one", I'm about to give you a good dose of some happy bounciness :)  And while that may sound a bit annoying or overly dramatic, just trust me.  It's good for the soul.


This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

 of this guy.  

And yes, he always usually makes me happy.  (Sorry Stevo, had to be honest there. I mean there are just some times you makes me quite angry!)  But seriously, with each passing month, I really do fall deeper in love with this boy.  While he was away on a business trip to Bangkok last week, I gained a newfound appreciation for all that he does for me and all that he adds to my life.  So many times I wonder how I tricked him into marrying me.  He's seriously way too good for me.  Babe, you put the bounce in my bounciness.  (You can all imagine Steven rolling his eyes right about now, can't you?)

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

my mom and dad booked their tickets to Thailand!

If it was still acceptable to raise the roof, Stevo would definitely see me doing a little "raise the roof dance" all around the house.  Words cannot express how excited I am to have them here.  With the holidays approaching, there's been an ache in my heart to be home...to which I will not expand upon because this is not the time nor place!  So, when my parents decided to go ahead and book their tickets to come for the first 2 weeks in February, I was ecstatic!  Knowing I'll see them a month after Christmas makes spending the holidays away from family a bit more bearable.  I am so, so, so thankful that they are making the effort to travel all this way to spend some time with us.  Seeing their itinerary arrive in my email was definitely a happy moment for this girl.

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

so many random people have sent encouragement our way.

Even as I'm writing this, two childhood friends just sent me facebook messages.  People I haven't seen or talked to in ages, just writing to say that they've been thinking and praying for Steven and I.  I'm blown away.  My best friend from high school, taking the time to write me a hand written note and send me a picture of her adorable baby.  It made my day.  Friends from home that are always making an effort to Skype with us, send us care packages and find unique ways to love us.  It makes us feel pursued and not forgotten.  My brother sending me videos of Leila, along with random ones of him singing to himself in the car.  A little weird, but they're always a  guaranteed laugh.  Most people don't take the time to keep in touch or send a little note when they're thinking of someone.  So to be overwhelmed with little reminders of people's love is so appreciated and life-giving.  Thanks friends.

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

I've gotten to cook, laugh and hang out with Pawn and her daughter.

With Thai school being on a break, Pawn has brought her daughter, Mind, with her to work.  And boy, is she cute.  Just look at that face!  Mind has always been incredibly shy with us, but I think we've made some good progress this month.  We went out for a pizza dinner, cooked together and had a few good laughs with one another.  Just a couple days ago, we were both sitting on the counter stirring cookie dough talking about how much we love chocolate.  I savored the moment and thanked God for His sweet blessing.

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

we've been spending time out here.

Steven and I have been able to take advantage of our cute little porch!  We bought the table and chairs at a garage sale awhile back, but it's been too hot to sit out there.  Until... this past month where the weather has finally begun to cool down and the nights always bring a light breeze  :)  This is quickly becoming my favorite spot in our home.  Thank you Lord for the cooler weather, a shady nook to sit and read, and the perfect place for a quiet dinner.

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

these guys just applied with GEI.

Yes, those are two of our best friends.  And yes, they are praying about joining our team and coming to Thailand. (!!!!)  I have been telling myself for the last couple of months not to get my hopes up, but who am I kidding?  My hopes are way up.  It's always been a dream of Steven's to keep working along side his best friend, Brett, and from the moment I met Liv I knew we were two peas in a pod.  What a blessing it would be to have them here.  But regardless of whether or not they decide to come to Thailand, it has been a joy watching them grow, pray and take leaps of faith this past month.  Seeing them humbly and openly walk by faith inspires us to do the same.  And while it's no secret that we want them here with us, we (yes even Stevo's included on this one) are just excited to be a part of the journey and see where God leads them.

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

Uuai Pawn Bakery is officially up and running.

This month marks our second month of delivering bagels around Chiang Mai.  Pawn has not only been busy with many orders each week, but we now have an original logo, flyer and business card!  (Thanks to a friend of Steven's who did all the design work for us for free!)  It's been really fun to see Pawn take ownership of the business.  She's buying all the ingredients, learning how to keep a ledger, putting money aside to expand the business and delivering the bagels on her own.  We're so proud of her.

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

we celebrated 6 months of learning Thai full-time.

It may not seem like a long time, but wow.  It's a big accomplishment for the Sauders.  I think Steven would say learning Thai has been one of the most challenging things he's ever had to do.  I am so proud of his determination and how he never complains about all the studying.  It's been interesting watching him grow through this process.  He's one of the most capable and talented people I know, so to watch him stumble around and have to trust God in a new way has been remarkable.  And while we still have a looooong way to go, we are encouraged by the great progress we have made.  All glory to God!

This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

Grandpa's home!

Just last week, Grandpa was released from the hospital and rehab center.  I really can't believe it.  Last month the doctors were breaking the news to my grandma that he would probably never live at home again.  And now, he's home!  It's a miracle really.  There's not much to say other than I am really thankful and proud of both him and my grandma.  My grandpa has fought hard to get better and my grandma has patiently and lovingly been his encourager.  It's been a hard, stressful, and rocky couple of months but they continue to fight to support and love one another.  I'm so blessed to know them.

And last but not least...
This month, I've been happy bouncy because...

Doug did this.

Which makes me officially, without a doubt, the better looking one.  Enough said.

too cool not to share

Our good friends just got back from John Piper's Missions Conference last weekend.  And as they were there, Steven and I tried watching the live videos along with them.  (The time difference made it difficult to do this, but we managed to hear and watch some pretty amazing sermons.  If you're interested in viewing any, click here.  I'm still amazed that we can be in Thailand, but also "sit in" on a conference in Minnesota.  Amazing!)

Anyway, our friends told us that we just had to watch the talk by opening speaker, Louie Giglio.  It was their favorite session of the conference, exposing them to new phenomenas that radically expanded their view of God.

I was excited.

And you should be too.

Because after watching it last night, we knew our friends were right.

It is awesome.

I don't want to give too much away.  My words will just take away from the power and beauty of it all.  So, I'll just leave it at that.  If you have ten minutes (which I know you all do), do yourself a favor and watch this part of his talk.  It'll rock your world.  And your too small view of the great, BIG God we serve.

Psalm 148

Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord from the heavens;

     praise him in the heights!

Praise him, all his angels;

     praise him, all his hosts!

Praise him, sun and moon,

     praise him, all you shining stars!

Praise him, you highest heavens,

     and you waters above the heavens!

Let them praise the name of the Lord!

     For he commanded and they were created.

And he established them forever and ever; 

     he gave a decree, and it shall not pass away.

Praise the Lord from the earth,

     you great sea creatures and all deeps,

fire and hail, snow, and mist,

     stormy wind fulfilling his word!

Mountains and all hills,

     fruit trees and all cedars!

Beasts and all livestock,

     creeping things and flying birds!

Kings of the earth and all peoples,

     princes and all rulers of the earth!

Young men and maidens together,

     old men and children!

Let them praise the name of the Lord,

     for his name alone is exalted;

     his majesty is above earth and heaven.

He has raised up a horn for his people,

     praise for all his saints,

     for the people of Israel who are near to him.

Praise the Lord!

This global God is worthy to be praised, amen?  May we make it our life ambition to join in this universal song of praise with all nature, all creatures and all peoples for the glory and adoration of our King!  

Caught between two worlds.

The other night we went out to dinner with some new friends.  It felt normal, natural and easy.  And I was so grateful.  I remember coming home and bouncing up to Steven saying, "We have friends and it feels so good!"  And even though it only happened a couple of days ago, I think I'll remember the moment and feeling for a long while.  For it was a sweet reminder and confidence builder that our lives are beginning to take root here.  That night I went to bed content and satisfied with the feeling of  I want to stay here peacefully overwhelming me.

But the feeling didn't last long.  The next morning I woke up to a painful phone call with my mom.  With my grandpa being in and out of the hospital many times since I've been gone, my mom and I have had to have some pretty serious conversations about him.  And to be honest, I was beginning to become numb to the news that my "grandpa is back in the hospital".  While a couple of years ago hearing that would have been devastating, it was now a quiet expectation whenever I talked with my mom.  But this conversation was different.  Yes grandpa was back in the hospital, but this time I could hear the hopelessness in my mom's voice.  I sat there silently as she explained that there were many things going wrong in my grandpa's body.  Possible stroke, bleeding in the brain, liver problems, heart problems, the list went on.  As big tears began to drop down my face, I tried to settle my voice as I asked, "Well, what does this mean?"  And as soon as I said the words, I knew what her response would be.  For it was something I have dreaded hearing my entire life because my relationship with my grandpa has always run deep and strong.  "It means, Lauren, that grandpa's dying."   And all of a sudden, the feeling of I want to stay here from the previous night was no where to be found.  Instead, it was replaced with a deep longing of I want to go back.

And so, yesterday I cried.  A lot.  Not only for the news of my grandpa's declining health, but for feeling so far away and not knowing what to do about it.  Should I go home to say goodbye?  Or should I just stay in Thailand?  Should I go alone or should Steven come too?  Can we afford it?  Does money matter?  What would grandpa want?  What do I need?  What will other people think?  And because I'm a pretty black and white thinker, I'm not used to this feeling.  The feeling of being unsure.  The feeling of being so conflicted.  So caught between two worlds.  

I always thought I'd go back if my grandpa died.  When people asked us before we left whether or not we'd come back within our 3 year commitment, I always replied with a "We're not planning on it.  Unless, of course, my grandpa dies or if Kelsey or Doug gets married."  I guess those were the non-negotiables in my mind and heart.  It seems unfair that I would only want to come back for my grandpa, but there is just something so very special about my relationship with him.  I don't know why, but he has always had my heart.  Maybe it's his sweet and endearing personality.  Maybe it's his quiet yet strong presence.  Maybe it's the comfort I feel when I get to cuddle up next to him.  Maybe it's how tenderly he has loved me.  It's an unexplainable relationship, yet anyone who knows me well understands it.  When I think about my grandpa and our deep love for each other, I want to go back.

But things are just starting to pick up here.  We are finally starting to feel like we are making progress with language.  Longer conversations are taking place.  Deeper relationships are being developed.  We just started helping our maebon (house-helper) open a small bagel business.  And as our lives are becoming more settled, my desire to go home lessens.  Right now I feel happy and content with my life here in Thailand.  I don't doubt this is where we should be.  But what if going home makes me question all that?  And do I really want to say my goodbyes all over again?  Getting on that plane was hard enough to do once, would I have the strength to do it again?  To go home and then come back again seems too hard.  And when I'm honest about those fears and what they could mean, all I want to do is stay here.  

But then I'll ask other missionaries.  What would you do?  What have you done?  And surprisingly, all of them have told me to go home.  And to take Steven with me.  That location doesn't matter, but family does.  That this is the perfect time to go.  We don't have kids to think about, Steven isn't in the heat of starting the business yet, we are ahead in language learning and can afford the time off.  When we suggested that I just go home by myself, they encouraged us to both go.  With this being the first time either of us will have lost anyone close to us, it will be healthy to go through it together.  They said it will make our marriage stronger and our calling as a couple deeper.  When I hear their responses and the freedom that comes with it, I want to go back.

But it feels so weak.  To be going back after just 7 months on the field.  It feels less "godly", less "sacrificial", less "missionary".  We knew this was part of the calling.  When we moved our lives half way around the world and said our goodbyes, we knew there would be sacrifices and we said we were ready to make them.  So when I feel a deep longing to go back, my head tells me that I'll be a failure if I do.  That people will look at me like I'm not cut out to be a missionary.  That I'm not tough enough.  That I took on this big endeavor without ever counting the cost.  Did I think we wouldn't miss out on things being in Thailand?  Life is inevitably going to continue on without us--people we love will die, friends will get married, holidays will be celebrated, babies will be born.  I can't expect to go back every time something significant happens.  Our lives are in Thailand now.  Our lives aren't in the States anymore and I need to let go of thinking that.  When faced with this truth,  I want to stay.

But what if I regret it.  Our friends that have gone home for loved ones have never regretted it.  They've never regretted being able to grieve with family.  They've never regretted having time to say goodbye.  They've never regretted the tender memories that have come with the decision to go back.  And so, I know that I would never regret seeing my grandpa one last time.  I will never regret being able to tell him what I know about heaven and watch him prepare to meet His King.  I know that I will never regret being able to share my hope in Jesus and the new life we can all have in Him.  Going home means no regrets.  And if that's the case, I want to go back.

But we live on support.  And even though we are only accountable to God, I can't help but shake the feeling that we are also accountable to our supporters.  It's the most humbling feeling knowing that people are sacrificially giving to us so that we can be here.  It's something you can only understand once you've actually done it.  People back at home are making sacrifices for us, shouldn't I, then, make sacrifices for them?  If we use support money to fly back home, I'm afraid it will seem as though we are being careless.  That we don't appreciate all that has been given to us, that we are taking advantage of people's generosity.  And the thought of that makes me want to say, "Okay, I will stay".

But this is my grandpa.  And that's what I keep coming back to.  And maybe it's just an excuse I'm choosing to believe, but this situation is different.  Because it's my grandpa.  My heart just breaks knowing that I'm going to lose him soon.  My heart breaks hearing how my aunt walked through the door and my grandpa mistakingly said, "Hi Lauren".  My chest physically hurts from the reality we are facing and the fact that I am not there.  I can't even write this without taking breaks to go weep in Steven's arms.  This is hard.  Not because I haven't counted the cost.  Not because I am starting to love our life in Thailand.  And not because I have mixed feelings about going or staying.  But because this is my grandpa and my heart feels weaker without him.  

And so, here I am.  Caught between two worlds asking God for help.  Knowing He will and trusting in His timing and love for me.

*Update: For now, grandpa is stable and feeling very loved by all the people who have gone to see him.  I was able to skype with him tonight and he told me in his sweet, low voice that he was "going to try very hard to get better".  I am thankful.  Thankful to hear a small sense of hope, but also thankful for the extended time God seems to be giving him, my family and me.  What a sweet blessing.  With his health being so unpredictable, I am taking comfort in the fact that God holds the world in His hands and is ultimately the One in control.  Praise Him.

Same same... but different.

Same same... but different.

I can't even type that without getting a smile on my face. It makes me chuckle just thinking about how many times Steven and I have said that to each other these past 6 months.

We first noticed the phrase when walking around at the night market. Like most asian markets, most of the booths sell the same things. Little nick-nacks, t-shirts, statues, jewelry, etc. So when trying to bargain for a better price, Steven would tell the little Thai lady, "But I can get the same thing from the lady over there for cheaper!" And almost every time, as they held up their product with pride, their response would be, "Oooh, no no. Same same... but different." As if their product, that looked exactly the same as everyone else's, was in fact very different and therefore warranted a much higher price. The humor of it all.

And so began our love with the phrase. (Sidenote: It has become so popular that they even sell these t-shirts)

But as we have continued living in Thailand, the phrase has somehow made it into our daily vocabulary as we are constantly finding humor in the ways our lives are surprisingly the same, yet strikingly different.

Let me explain.

Language class. With Thai being a language with 5 different tones and 32 vowels, we have run into many words that, to us, sound exactly the same. For example, take the word "khao" (pronounced like "cow"). Depending on the tone, "khao" can mean knee, enter, he, her, count, horn and mountain. Now throw in a long vowel to make the word "khaao" and you've got yourself a whole new set of words: fishy, news, meal, rice and white.

Try saying the sentence, "He counts white rice."

Khao khao khaao khaao.

Is anyone laughing with us yet?

You can imagine our reactions when we're learning new words and our teacher says "khao" again. We laugh and say, "No! We've already learned that word!" Yet she just smiles, laughs a little to herself and says, "Oooh. Same same... but different."

I have a love hate relationship with getting things made in Thailand. Most of the time it's a fun project for me to work on. Getting our couch made, designing a coffee table, getting paintings done, buying custom frames. All good times. Well, most of the time. As an American, when I tell someone I want something made a specific way, I expect them to make it that way. However, I have quickly realized that Thailand doesn't work like that. Most of the time, they think you don't really want it the way you've described it and therefore take it upon themselves to change it to something they think you'll like better.

What? Why?

So when I go to pick up my order it's either completely different or different enough where I have a hard time liking it. When I tell them that I don't like the changes they've made, they reply with a smile and say, "Oooh, why? Same same." To which, of course, my retort is, "Same same...but different."

The sun. Thais really don't like being out in the sun. To them, white skin is much more beautiful than a bronzed tan. I remember the first time I went to the store to buy lotion and deodorant. I left empty handed because I couldn't find any that didn't have whitening bleach in it. We have been constantly amazed at what Thais will do to avoid getting tan. Walking with umbrellas when there's not a cloud in the sky. Only going to the pool after the sun's gone down. And this:

Wearing pants, heavy jackets and winter hats in the blistering heat. Every time we're on our moped, I'm always surprised as I look around. Thais are dressed like it's winter so that the sun doesn't touch their skin. I've thought about how vein that really is. You know, for them to make themselves so miserable just for "beauty". But as I thought about it more, I was convicted that I do the same thing. I sit out on the blazing sun, miserable and hot, just to get a nice tan. I buy bronzing make-up and lotion. And despite the warnings of it being dangerous, I lay in tanning beds and bake away. In reality, I live under the same mentality as the Thai girl who wears a fleece jacket and a ski hat to work. It just shows itself in different ways. And when I'm done being judgmental, I whisper to myself, "Same same...but different."


Our marriage. Boy, do Steven and I spend a lot of time together now. (Steven once told me that he married me because I didn't annoy him. And while that wasn't exactly the sweetest thing he's ever said to me, I have really come to realize its importance the past 6 months. Ha!) In the States, our lives were crazy. Filled with busy schedules, friends and many distractions. Here? Not so much. It's just me and Stevo. Taking on the world. (And by world, I mean the Thai language. Please refer to the "khao" paragraph.) But really, I think we've fallen deeper in love and have developed a deeper appreciation for one another through this season. Don't get me wrong, many things remain the same. We still fight. We still laugh. He still makes fun of my goofiness. I still make fun of his less than humorous humor. But many things have also changed. We, for the first time, really are living as one accord--in vision, in work, in life. And we really have become best friends--needing to depend on one another more than ever. When I think about our marriage, it really is the "same same... but different."

And the list goes on.

Driving on the other side of the road. Same same... but different.
Developing friendships. Same same... but different.
Doing "ministry". Same same... but different.
Dealing with sin in our lives. Same same... but different.
Skyping with family and friends. Same same... but different.

My walk with the Lord. Probably the strangest paradox of them all. For awhile now, my heart has longed to serve God overseas. While living in Chicago, my heart continually broke for the unreached people of the world. And so, I knew that coming over here would change my walk with the Lord. How could it not? With the last 5 years being a time of preparation and training, I knew that finally stepping into the battle would inevitably change some things.

I was right.

I think I have an even stronger conviction than before. It's one thing to think and read about unreached peoples; it's another thing to experience it. Seeing an entire country going after false gods. Developing relationships with real and genuine people. And finding yourself questioning the ways of God because of it. It does something to your heart. The longer I am here, the more I am convinced that the "harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few". In talking with our maebon today, I asked her if her parents were believers. She just casually responded with, "No. Because there is no one to go to my village to tell them about God." The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. I see it with my own two eyes and it just breaks me.

But as my convictions and hope for the nations deepen, many things remain the same. There are days that I wake up and don't want to read my Bible. There are times when I don't pray because I'm just too tired. My sinful desires of self-dependence and self-centeredness constantly creep in. And as my flesh remains, so does my need for my Savior. And as I continue to fail, God's grace is the same. Always available, always pursuing, always sufficient.

Knowing, following and experiencing Jesus in Thailand. Same same... but different.

The Gospel: Revisited

As of lately, Steven and I have been reading through parts of the Old Testament. And to let you in on a little secret, it's usually not my favorite part of the Bible to read.

I remember thinking as a little kid, "Why do we still read this part? God only seems mean, destructive and scary. Isn't He supposed to be loving, gentle and kind?" To me, it seemed as though God underwent a major personality change between the Old and New Testament. Old Testament: irritable and grumpy. New Testament: gracious and forgiving. The two just didn't connect. So for most of my life, I hovered around the New Testament. The parts of Jesus loving the unloveable and feeding the hungry were much more appealing than the God of the Old Testament who sent floods, plagues and unrelinquished judgment on the world.

And while I would like to hope that my faith and understanding of the one true God has matured and developed over the years, I sometimes fall back into my childish thinking that God has it out for me. That He's this big guy up in the sky who's waiting to scold and punish my every move. That He's really not a display of perfect hesed, but rather one of cruel and unfair hatred.

And so, I just couldn't help it. In reading all the stories of God sternly, brutally and powerfully punishing sin, my faith began to fade. I didn't like how God would give a command, someone wouldn't obey it and then BAM. God would strike them down. Just like that. To me, it didn't seem like the punishment matched the crime. For one small sin or act of disobedience, God decides to do away with the entire sinner? How is that the same God who claims to be the "compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin (Exodus 34:5-6)"? Nothing about it seemed to make sense. Usually after reading, I would turn to Steven and say something like, "Gosh, God was kind of harsh, don't you think?"

And ashamedly, somewhere in the midst of this, I was no longer excited to follow such a God. In fact, I think I may have started running in the opposite direction. I began to think that if I did anything wrong, God would surely punish me. If I loved Steven too much, God would take him away. If I missed my family too much, God would never let me see them again. If I wasn't radical enough, God would deny me at the gates of the promised land. Unknowingly, I found myself in this horrible thought cycle-- thinking I had to manipulate God by trying to appease Him. That if I did everything right, then God would have no reason to take anything away.

Being in Thailand, it is always heartbreaking for me to go to the Buddhist temples.

There's a deep unrest and sadness in me as I watch people burn incense, give offerings and chant prayers to Buddha--all in hopes of earning enough merit to receive blessings instead of curses.

But here I am. In Thailand, as a missionary, claiming to believe the Gospel.

Yet thinking and acting like a Buddhist.

Oh, how the truth of this just rocked me to my core and made me weep in shame. As I questioned and admitted this to Steven last night and this morning, I asked him and God to help me remember the Gospel. I literally asked Steven to retell me the Gospel because I felt like I had forgotten. I asked God to show me who He really is and to not be scared of seeking truth.

And this is what happened.

God reminded me that it is not about me. When I looked at the times where I thought God used harsh and severe punishment with His people, I was viewing it through the eyes of man. I have such a man-centered perspective of sin. To me, a little sin doesn't warrant death. But viewed in the eyes of God, it does. For we have infinitely offended a holy God and in turn, are deserving of infinite wrath. Because God is perfectly holy, perfectly righteous, perfectly just, perfectly hesed, perfectly perfect... any sin against Him does warrant death. David Platt says, "You sin against a rock. You are not really guilty. You sin against man. You are guilty. You sin against an infinite holy God, you are infinitely guilty."

So my question ought not be, "Why does God seem so harsh?" The real question should be, "How can I, a sinful man, stand before a holy God and not be destroyed?" For when the focus is off of me and my narrow perspective and turned to God and His grand perspective, it changes things. Instead of the Old Testament being filled with isolated incidents of God's judgment, it becomes a story of God's radical and incomprehensible grace and pursuit of undeserving men. For every 1 time God exercises judgment, there are 1000 times where He doesn't, shows patience and withholds his condemnation. I just didn't pay attention to those countless times because I thought those were a given. Something I had a right to. Something expected and already deserved.

I was wrong.

God doesn't change personalities from the Old and New Testament. He is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin from Genesis to Revelation.

And it gets even better.

Not only does God show infinite patience and mercy with the guilty, He had Jesus, His perfect Son, take on our guilt and shame at the cross so that we would be covered by His blood. Because of God's redemptive work on the cross, I am now blameless. Innocent before a holy God. So when God looks at me, He only sees Jesus' perfection. No dirt, no sin, no shame. Just Jesus.

Wow. This is such good news. The greatest news. Because this means there is nothing scary about God. Nothing to manipulate, nothing to appease. Because if God wanted to make me pay for my actions, He wouldn't have sent Jesus.

This is the Gospel revisited.

Top 3's of 3

26,280 hours of learning new heights of love and grace.

1,095 days of waking up to my best friend.

36 months of being challenged by the strength of my husband to live a life full of faith.

3 years of indescribable joy being the wife of Mr. Steven Sauder.

Yes, it's true. Stevo and I have officially been married for 3 whole years! I like to jokingly tell people that "we're pros" and that now "we have it all figured out". Ha. (This is usually when Steven shakes his head in denial and gives me a look of, "Babe, we have a long way to go...")

I know in the grand scheme of things, 3 years of marriage is just breaking the ice. I mean, when you put us next to our grandparents whose combined total of years married is over 120 years... well then, yeah. We're total amateurs. Older couples, who have weathered a few storms, have often reminded us that we're just beginning to lay the foundation for shaky times ahead. I am fully expecting that we'll continue to change, independently and collectively, and that God will continue to mold and stretch our marriage to better reflect His love relationship with us.

But honestly, even though the 3 years have gone by incredibly fast, they also seem like a lifetime. And even though we're only at the starting block, it feels like we've been running the race for quite some time.

And I love it.

I love that I feel like I've already been married to Steven forever--because it breeds in me a deep level of comfort and sense of security. I love that I feel like we're in the midst of a marathon--because it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies and I'm learning that this love thing is a commitment, privilege and most definitely a fight worth fighting for.

Last January, I was able to reflect on the straight path that God had carved out for us--from dating, to marriage, to grad school, to work, to overseas. From Champaign, to Chicago, to Oak Park, to Roanoke, to Colorado, to Thailand. It is no doubt that God has done a lot with the Sauders. And even though there is a lot yet to be done with many mountains yet to climb, I don't want to just categorize this time as "just the beginning". I want to remember the specifics. The successes and failures. The moments of wisdom and stupidity. The times of love and forgiveness that have taken place within us and our marriage over past 3 years.

And so, on our anniversary getaway, Steven and I reflected on some Top 3's of the past 3 years.

Steven's Top 3 memories:

1. Our wedding day and 12 day honeymoon to Maui

2. Our road trip up the West Coast--San Diego to Seattle!

3. Working on the farm with Dad Sauder

Lauren's Top 3 memories:

*Wedding day and honeymoon were a given for me :)

1. Being a part of our small group (shout out to the LWC!) in Chicago

2. Nannying for Charlotte

3. Being a farmer's wife! (I seriously loved my time living on the farm. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are)

Our Top 3 "God moments":

1. Getting the phone call from Hatley asking us to join him in Thailand--2 days before we were about to commit to something else

2. Stepping off the plane in Chiang Mai--what a rush of emotions!

3. Raising 100% financial support in 4 months

Steven's Top 3 'not too fun' moments:

1. Dealing and working through "first year marriage fights"

2. Learning Thai :)

3. Working long, hard hours at McHugh

Lauren's Top 3 'not too fun' moments:

1. Being exposed to new and reoccurring sin through marriage

2. Raising support in 4 months + both of us working full time + traveling = a few breakdowns :)

3. Saying goodbye to all our loved ones

Steven's Top 3 'Things I've discovered about Lauren':

1. She still sleeps with rags (aka: blankies)

2. She is a great cook and entertainer

3. She's a deep thinker and has a gift of expressing herself through writing

Lauren's Top 3 'Things I've discovered about Steven':

1. He really can build anything!

2. He really can't remember things I tell him... Sigh.

3. He really can be funny! :)

Steven's Top 3 'I'm thankful for':

1. A wife that is full of life and joy

2. A friend who challenges herself and isn't afraid to challenge me

3. A joint pursuit of God and His global purposes in our life together

Lauren's Top 3 'I'm thankful for':

1. A husband who is incredibly patient, strong, honest and committed

2. A best friend who knows me better than I know myself

3. A marriage that is committed to pursuing the Kingdom of God

Our Top 3 lessons learned:

1. Forgiveness and grace always win

2. Fighting one another is only fighting ourselves

3. Communication and commitment are non-negotiables

Our Top 3 goals for our next 3 years:

1. Pray more together

2. Travel and see SE Asia

3. Start a family :)

It was fun to take time to reflect on our many memories and how we've grown, while also dreaming up new dreams for the next 3 years and beyond...

Happy Anniversary, Steven Sauder! Here's to loving each other more with each passing day :)

deserted island.

I've always thought it would be cool to live on a deserted island with Steven.

Ya know, just me and him... with nothing but each other and all the time in the world. I guess with the hustle and bustle of city life, Steven's previous job being so crazy and the whirlwind of raising support and packing up our lives for overseas, the idea of escaping to a land of nothingness and complete solace was incredibly appealing. I would daydream about what sorts of things I would bring to this island, what fun things we would come up with to entertain ourselves, and what we'd really discover about ourselves and each other from this special time away. It seemed like it would be the perfect adventure and answer to my tired soul.

However...

I definitely don't feel that way anymore. Because right now, it feels like my wish really did come true, that we really are on a deserted island. But instead of relishing in all its glory, I actually hate it.

Don't get me wrong, I love Thailand and everything about it. The people, our team leaders, the weather, the language, the culture. All wonderful. But the thing that I have continued to struggle with, and found myself unexpectedly weeping to Steven about today, is that I hate feeling like we're here, in this far away place, all by ourselves.

It's no way to live.

So far, we haven't met very many young couples here. It is mostly older families, with established ministries and lives, busy with their kid's activities and work responsibilities. We are grateful for so many seasoned people to learn from, but I have a deep ache for a couple that is in the same place of life that we are in.

We have neighbors who want to be friends with us, but we just don't have enough language to develop a deep friendship yet. Right now, hanging out with them takes a lot of courage, concentration and mental energy which often leaves me extremely exhausted. I long for a refreshing time of laughter, likemindedness, and comfort.

Steven keeps praying that God would give us the opportunity to make new friends. But as I was blubbering in his arms today, I told him that I didn't want new friends. New friends mean starting from scratch. New friends mean that they don't know our history, our story, or who we really are. I told him that new friends just mean a lot of time and energy and that I was sick of making new friends anyway. Within this last year we have moved 4 times. New friends in Chicago. New friends in Roanoke. New friends in Colorado. Now new friends in Thailand? I'm just not sure I can do it again.

Something else that didn't cross my mind in my deserted island fantasy was that I could possibly lose a sense of who I am in this place. It sounds strange, but feeling so isolated has made me feel a bit crazy. These past few weeks we have been praying for the Lord to give me some new hobbies. Steven has his fill here as there is every outdoor adventure right at his fingertips. As I have been processing through my feeling of isolation, I have come to realize that all my "hobbies" have to do with people. And because the lack of community we are experiencing, I just don't know what to do with myself. We have no friends to entertain or have over for dinner. No one to cook for, disciple, share funny stories or have deep conversations with. No one to encourage, no one to go to coffee with, no group outings to plan. That's what normally feeds my soul. So it's no wonder that I feel like I'm in starvation mode. I'm afraid I don't know who I am without community.

And what about the rest of our lives here? I just can't see it moving forward without a sense of community. The greatest and latest tension has been whether or not we should start a family. It seems like every time we Skype with someone from home we find out they are pregnant. And besides being extremely excited for such a blessing, it always leaves a dull pain in my heart. Mostly because I know that if we were in the States, we would be ready to have a baby too. But the thought of having our first baby here, with no family and friends around, absolutely terrifies me. Being a mom for the first time, figuring it all out, with no one here to help us through it? It's enough to make me think that we'll never be ready. And to be honest, I'm just so sad about it.

I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this post. Maybe it's to vent. Maybe it's to process. Maybe it's a cry out to God. (God help!) Maybe it's to write out all my complaints and fears so that someone can tell me that I'm being ridiculous.

Maybe it's all of the above.

As Steven held me today, he said, "I'd rather be here, knowing we are in God's will, struggling... rather than at home, not in God's will, comfortable."

I know he's right. I know we are supposed to be here and for whatever reason God is allowing me to struggle through this phase. I'm just hoping that one day I can reread this post and see the intimate hand of God in all of this. I await, in eager anticipation, the ability to look back on this time and see how thoughtfully God was preparing me for new friendships, motherhood, and a deeper faith in Him.

For now, I just need constant reminders from God to see the blessings He's giving me from time on this deserted island.

lessons learn(ing).

Definitely not lessons learned. For I'm afraid I am a forever messy, complicated work in progress. But, really, aren't we all?

(Someone please say yes.)

No, these are most certainly not lessons I've already achieved, overcome and moved on from. They are simply little tidbits into this ongoing process of life overseas, as a sinner saved by grace, who continually stumbles, falls, laughs quite a bit at herself and then, by the grace of God, starts again.

These are my lessons learn(ing).

I am learning patience. Everyone who knows me is now saying to themselves, "Thank you, God!" It's no secret that patience is something I often lack. (It's my mother's fault, really.) I hate waiting, I hate traffic, I hate lines. I hate how I still don't know Thai (shouldn't 2 months of studying do the trick?), I hate how we ordered a desk 3 months ago and it still isn't finished, and I hate that mail takes 2 to 3 weeks to get here. But alas, I am learning. And I am learning that being in a hurry doesn't make things go faster and it doesn't necessarily make life more productive. Impatience simply breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates peace, grace, confidence and faith. I am, and forever will be, learning patience.

I am learning that I still don't like vegetables. It's a lost cause, really. I came to Thailand with an open mind, to try new things, and to start liking vegetables. However, the hatred still remains. And I think our lunch guy at the market is starting to get the hint. Every day I return my plate to him with all the vegetables pushed to the side. Slowly but surely, he has put less and less veggies in my stir fry. Bless his heart. I love that he is learning that I still don't like vegetables.

I am learning how to be a 3 year old again. With knowing around 1,000 Thai words, my speech pathologist friend told me that I have now advanced to talking like a 3 year old. Woohoo. I am really starting to feel for all the 3 year old's out there. You want so badly to be able to communicate, yet the words just aren't there. And even when you do venture out and use the few words that you know, people just laugh and think it's "cute". Did I say the wrong word? Is my accent incomprehensible? Or are you just mean-spirited? Steven and I have succumbed to a lot of hand motions and simple statements. "I want the red cup." "I like bread." "I am from America. Yes, I know I look Thai, but I am Japanese...well, I don't speak Japanese and no, my grandparents have never lived in Japan...but I do speak Spanish...and English...and now I am learning Thai." Okay, so maybe we are doing a little better than I give ourselves credit for, but nevertheless, I am learning how to redefine my definition of communication.

I am learning how to be a team player. Our marriage has never felt like more of a team effort than it does now. We do everything together. Eat, go to class, study, ride the motorcycle, run errands, go on dates, watch TV, read, etc. We've spent more time together in these last 4 months than we have in our entire marriage previous to Thailand. And while sometimes we start picking at each other like brother and sister, for the most part, our marriage has never been better. There's something about working together towards a common goal that has uniquely united us. It takes the will out of fighting against one another and pushes us towards grace and encouragement. If I fail, we fail. If Steven has a good day, we have a good day. I have loved learning how to be one with my husband.

I am learning how to do nothing. Maybe the hardest lesson of them all. But there have been days where I have been depressed from the lack of activity and interaction in my life. As someone who prided herself on being busy and social, this whole "studying language all day" approach has really challenged me. Throw in the fact that we are living on support for the first time and the self induced pressure to be doing something worthwhile. It's a recipe for a major identity crisis. I am having to remind myself daily that it is not what I do that makes me valuable. It is who I am and who I belong to. My worth is in knowing Jesus Christ and being known by Him. Nothing more, nothing less. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I know that studying hard and taking time to learn Thai is God-honoring, God-exalting, Kingdom work. It just doesn't feel and look so glamorous to the me or the outside world. I am learning how to live for an Audience of One.

I am learning that I am not a Superhero. Crossing the ocean and calling myself a missionary has not given me any special powers. (And as funny as that sounds, I kind of thought it would...) But to my dismay, my flesh still remains. I still struggle with spending time in the Word every day. I still get impatient, snippy, and prideful. I still find myself reaching for the American dream. I still have a hard time trusting God. I still want control, I still miss home, and I still can't believe I am in Thailand. I am no more godly just because I am here. I am still me, with all my imperfections, just trying to live out the Gospel in a different place. I am learning that it's not my title change that changes who I am.

It's allowing God to keep teaching me the lessons He wants me to be learning.