falling in loooooove.

I've done it twice. Once with the man I married. Once with the God I serve. Both have been life changing--molding me into a completely different person with new dreams, new passions and a new outlook on life.

Falling in love. It's scary. It's challenging. It's risky. But man, it's the greatest.

I started thinking about this concept last week. I was reflecting back on who I once was--knowing full well that my "high school self" wouldn't even recognize the person I've become. All she wanted was the cute husband, with the 2 angelic kids, a small dog, and the beautiful house with the white picket fence located conveniently close to all her family and friends. Well, while I did get the cute husband, everything else is strikingly different. To think that now all I want is to be a missionary overseas in a land far, far away without many comforts and luxuries is nothing short of crazy...or a miracle. I'm not sure, you decide.

So I naturally began to ask myself...what happened? What was it that drastically changed the course of my life?

And the answer was simple, really. I had fallen in love. And no, not with Steven--for that would come a little later in life and change me in a different way.

No, this change was because I had fallen in love with God. Even though I thought I knew Him my whole life, it wasn't until I truly fell.in.love with the character and heart of God that things really started to change.

Let me explain.

Most of my life, I kept God at arms-length. Like, I knew I probably should keep Him around, ya know, in my corner in case of emergencies, but I wasn't totally comfortable completely embracing Him. Looking back, I think this stemmed from my wrong view of God. For some reason, I viewed Him as judgmental and mean--always telling me things I couldn't do and making me feel bad for things I shouldn't have done. I also kind of felt like His love for me was based on how well I "performed". Almost as if God was some sort of puppet that I could control with my actions. If I screwed up, God wouldn't bless me. If I was good, God would give me what I wanted. Naturally, this led to me never feeling quite "good enough" and constantly unsatisfied.

My relationship with God was not a loving one--but more of a forced obligation. And we all know, life change doesn't come from obligation.

But then something happened. For some reason, I suddenly wanted to know God more. Maybe I was dissatisfied with my life. Or myself. Or God. I'm not sure. All I know is that I had this deep longing to finally know God at a deeper level--to truly understand what I believed in or to come to grips with the fact that maybe I didn't really believe at all. Basically, I was ready to define the relationship. Break-up and go my own way. Or fully commit and dive in head first.

So I searched. I even went out to California to do it. And it was there, it was there that I found God. It was there that I found purpose. Found myself. Found love.

I spent that summer in California studying the God of the Bible. Not the God that I heard about from other people. Not the God I had made up in my mind. Not the God I hypocritically saw in the church. No, I began to understand the character of God from a Biblical point of view--from Genesis to Revelation--God's consistent pursuit and love for people. All of a sudden God wasn't scary anymore--He wasn't some mean guy up in heaven waiting for me to screw up just so He could punish me. Instead, He was this God who showed abundant grace and mercy over, and over, and over again. He was a God who was good, a God who was patient and kind. He was a God whose heart longed for people to seek Him, to know Him, to love Him. A God who sent His Son to die for people who definitely didn't deserve it. I fell in love with this God of the Bible and His hesed. And for the first time, I fell in love with the Gospel.

It was in that moment that something in me changed. I dont' know how else to put it, but it really is true. Something just changes when you fall in love. Ask Steven.

When we were dating, I once got him to come to a five hour high school cheerleading competition with me. How in the world did I get him there? Simple. He had fallen in love with me and was willing to do the unthinkable just because he loved me.

Yes, we all do crazy things when we're in love.

And so it comes full circle. Here I am. The girl, who never left her mother's side, who wanted to live in Naperville when she grew up, and who still sleeps with her blankies, is preparing to go to Thailand. Preparing to say goodbye to family and friends. Preparing to leave the familiar and the comfortable. To be honest, it's still a little scary. Just because it's been what I've wanted to do for quite some time now, doesn't mean that I'm not tempted to stay and live out my high school dream.

All it means is that I fell in love--that I now love God more than I love anything else. All it means is that I'm willing to do something a little crazy just because I now delight in Him.

I write this post tonight not to toot my own horn about wanting to be a missionary. Just the opposite really. I only want to get across the fact that falling in love with God, with Jesus, with the Gospel, drastically changes your life. I pray it has changed you like it has me. Not because it ought to, but simply because you're head-over-heels.