Like the morning fog.

What is your life?
For it is like the morning fog.
It is here for a little while,
then it is gone.
~James 4:14

With the passing of Steven's friend this week, we've been thinking about this concept a lot.

Our lives are like the morning fog.

As Steven and I sat in the revival service for Jordan on Tuesday, I think this idea hit us hard. To see this young man's life come and go so quickly, it was a hard yet necessary reminder that our time here is short. And only what is done for eternity will last. Naturally, this question kept running through my head...What are we doing with our limited, finite, like-the-morning-fog lives?

And why are we doing what we're doing?

We go to work, we're involved in church, we have good community, we love our kids. All good things, but if we are honest with ourselves, they're all pretty comfortable things too. Yet we itch to do more for God, we pray about it in Bible Study, we say we're going to be more influential in our every day lives. But when it comes down to it, we end up doing nothing. (Steven and I have been living and feeling this way for the past two years now...)

So why do we end up doing nothing? Is it because we're lazy? Insincere? Scared? Maybe. I'm sure I've been all of the above at some point in my life. But sitting at the funeral, I was hit with what I think is at the core of all of this: We live complacent, boring and comfortable lives because we value our lives here on earth way too much.

You see, we actually love our lives. We love the comforts. We love the security. We love having family close. We love being able to plan our lives and see it come to be. And because of that, we miss out on so much that God has called us to.

So many people wait for a calling from God. They think He needs to write something out in the clouds, send a vision or "speak" to our hearts. And if this "calling" doesn't come, well then we just keep on living our lives the way we, deep down, really want to.

People tell us all the time that they love that we're going to Thailand, but that they just haven't been "called" to "missions". Most of the time I politely nod and agree, but I am always left confused. Steven and I feel like we haven't been "called" either. We got no note from God in the clouds. We had no vision. We didn't hear the Lord speak to us in a loud booming voice.

But, we know that there is 1 Christian worker for every 200 people in the United States. And in Thailand there is 1 missionary for every 50,000. We know that we are overloaded with the Gospel, with Christian books, with sermons, with varying churches to fit our own styles. And we know that there are people in the world who have never heard the name "JESUS". We are convinced that God's heart is for the whole world to know of His love, grace and redemption plan. And we are saddened that there are people, cities, countries who have no idea.

That's our calling.

On the car ride home from the funeral, Steven and I were talking about our fleeting lives. How we've been reminded that our time here is like the morning fog. Quick to appear, quick to fade. The concept is so simple, yet entirely complex. It's far too easily ignored, yet if taken seriously could be life-altering.

With tears running down my face, I just turned to him and said, "Why wouldn't we go to Thailand?"

He just smiled at me and said, "My thoughts exactly."

This whole idea reminded me of a poem I once heard. It's written by one of the greatest missionaries of all time, C.T. Studd. A man who considered his life like the morning fog, yet completely worthy of the calling.

“Two little lines I heard one day, Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart, And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet, And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice, Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave, And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years, Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill, living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore, When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way, Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep, In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife, Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn, And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone, Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call, I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

Through the pain...

...will my faith remain?

Through the pain, when I don't understand His ways, and when giving up and giving in seems so much easier, will I turn to my God and seek His face? Or will I crumble with the world around me and blame Him for it all...

For quite some time now, I have had this feeling that God is preparing me for something BIG. And by BIG, I don't mean something new and exciting. By BIG, I mean something life-altering, heart-wrenching, and tragically-unexpected. (Not to be a complete "Debbie Downer" or anything...) But sometimes I feel like I am in the process of being built up so that I can be prepared to fall...and fall well. After all, it's bound to happen at some point. And when it does, I want to be found faithful. I want to be able to suffer well.

Below are two examples of families whose faith remains. They are ordinary families who are living extraordinary lives. Not only because of their incredible strength, but because they are seeking to GLORIFY GOD through their suffering. Imagine that. They have somehow been able to forgo wallowing in self pity and have instead turned their pain and trials into an opportunity to make Christ known. It's not about them--their problems, their hurt, their fears--even though there are days that I am sure it feels that way. Rather, it's all about God--clinging to His hesed, His promises, and desiring His ways above theirs. To me, they are the true heroes of the faith.



To hear the entire song that they wrote for their daughter, you can watch the video below. The lyrics are so amazing, so beautiful.


The other family are dear friends. Jordan, a good friend of Steven's from high school, his wife Katelyn, and their two beautiful young girls. Just last year, Jordan was diagnosed with a rare cancer in his pelvis and lungs. This is their blog. Their story. Their fight. Their faith in a miraculous God as they walk through this scary and uncertain time. It has been nothing short of amazing following them on their journey of highs and lows. They are real life examples of people living out 1 Peter 1:6-7.

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

Just think. Because these families have remained strong and faithful through their pain and suffering, they will receive much praise, glory and honor from their Heavenly Father on that glorious day. Let me say it again. The Creator of heaven and earth. The Alpha and Omega. The holy and righteous God. The everlasting King. will. give. them. honor. and. praise.

That's the wonderful joy ahead. That's rejoicing in the midst suffering. That's the hope they have and so fervently cling to. All I can say is, praise God for families like these. For they show us how to suffer well. It is my prayer that I may be found, that we all may be found, as faithful as them.

It's a choice.

It started about two weeks ago.

My downward spiral into a deep and awful funk.

Words can't accurately explain what exactly happened, but all I know is that I hit a wall. All of a sudden, my hope and joy had quickly faded and I was left an emotional wreck. I didn't want to support raise anymore. I didn't want to be around people. I cried almost every day. Everything put me in a bad mood. Steven's job was driving me nuts. I was frustrated, discouraged, empty. Simply put, I had run out of gas, was completely miserable and done waiting on the Lord.

But the more I tried to gain control, the more I lost. The more I grasped for a "plan", the more ambiguous our lives became. Every day was the constant reminder that I had absolutely no control over what was happening in our lives. And well, that just sent me over the edge.

My poor husband. He didn't know what to do with me. With our two year anniversary fast approaching, I often wondered if he thought, "What in the world did I get myself into?" Nevertheless, he was so patient and kind. He prayed for me, spoke truth over me, and just held me when I needed to cry. He reminded me that God was in control and that He was preparing us for the uncertainty we'll face in Thailand. He put up with my ever-changing emotions and constantly asked, "How can I support you?" I was completely undeserving of his lavish grace and love. But even still, nothing changed.

I remember thinking to myself, "Will this ever get better?" and even doubting our call to go to Thailand. Surely someone who can't handle the little ups and downs here doesn't stand a chance on the mission field.

Thankfully, the Lord didn't leave me here. Thankfully, He met me right where I was at, messy and broken, and drew me close. It was as if He was gently beckoning me back to His throne of grace, asking me where I've been and how I'd gone astray.

He did this all through a simple song. I was singing it while at a Beth Moore conference this past weekend. The words were so simple, but struck me deep. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. We will wait upon the Lord..." I could barely sing the words. I mean, how could I? I was quickly reminded of an all too familiar quote: "Christians don't tell lies. They just go to church and sing them." I was immediately convicted. How could I possibly sing about joyfully waiting upon the Lord when I was making myself miserable doing so? I felt my heart asking,"Lauren, do you really believe this? Are you really waiting on the Lord? Or are you so desperate for control that you can't see the joy in His plan? Do you really believe that His plan is PERFECT? Do you really believe in what you're singing, preaching, blogging? Do you believe in the Gospel and it's power over your life?"

I found myself nodding, tears running down my face, guilt in my heart, saying, "Yes, yes I do. I whole-heartedly do."

And then I felt Him saying, "My child. Then why do you live like you don't? Live like you trust Me. Choose freedom over captivity. Choose to bear my image, not your own sinfulness. Choose faith. It's a choice, your choice. Now, choose Me."

And that's all I needed. A reminder to choose Him. And to choose Him DAILY. It's not enough to pick and choose which days I'm going to trust my Heavenly Father. The days are evil and my heart will be far too easily deceived. But victory comes in the constant renewing of my mind and heart--choosing to bear His image, choosing to believe His ways are higher than mine, choosing to believe that through the uncertainty God is the One in control, choosing Him...day by day.

As I sat down, freedom, peace & grace immediately washed over me. It's hard to explain the feeling, but all I know is that my heart had been restored.

I returned from the weekend and Steven immediately knew something had happened. I greeted him with my happy-bouncy-type hug and he just looked at me and asked, "Do I have my wife back now?"

And he did.

Even as I write this now, my heart is thankful for the timing in all of this. This morning we found out that Steven will be laid off at the end of the week. While many emotions stream through me with this new change, today I have a heart full of trust. Today I am confident that this is exactly what God wanted for us. Today I choose to not be bound by the worries of this world and instead choose abundant life and joy in Christ. Today I am thankful, so very thankful that God chose me so that I could choose Him back.

questions.

Do I love God or just love loving God?

Do I blog what I learn or learn just to blog?

Do I love others or just love so that others will love me?

Do I really understand when people feel called to "stay" or am I just jealous and bitter?

Do I love serving others or just love being called a servant?

Do I really love the unlovable or just talk like I do?

Does my heart truly break for the child prostitutes or is it just a cool bandwagon for me to jump on?

Am I genuine or am I a fake who spends most of her time judging others?

Do I honestly care about "every tongue, tribe & nation before the Throne of God" or do I just like sounding spiritual?

Do I actively forgive people or do I just let enough time go by til the hurt doesn't sting as bad?

Do I live as if God is my judge or as though other people are?

Do I really pray for people or just say that I do?

Do I repent because I am sorry or because I'm scared?

Do I live as though money belongs to and comes from God or do I live as though I am the one who's entitled to it?

Do I really like diversity and people who are different than me? If so, then why do all my friends look and act like me?

Is Steven my husband or my god?

Do I want what's best for others or really what's best for myself?

Do I live a life full of faith, love and grace or is it filled with doubt, hate and grudges?

Do I really think God is in control or do I plan and live my life as if I'm calling the shots?

Do I really know God or just settle for a casual relationship?

Do I talk a big talk but don't really walk the walk?

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me to the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

These are my thoughts and my prayer for today.

a parallel.

Sometimes people ask me about this "change" in my life. The change that is supposed to happen when one becomes a believer, but for me didn't happen til many years down the road.

Sometimes people ask me, "what in the world happened to you?" I think they look at me and think back to the way I used to be. Like I said in one of my previous posts, my life and dreams look a lot different than they did when I was a 16 year old girl. It's hard to believe that the girl who once slammed a classmate up against a locker while cussing her out is the same girl that's planning to be a missionary in Thailand. (Yikes. How much work the Lord has done in my life!)

But, seriously. What in the world happened to me?

Sometimes it's hard for me to put to words. Sometimes it's hard to explain how my life really has changed for the better, even though it seems like the call of Christ means giving up so much.

But then I discovered something that would maybe help illustrate the change inside of me. A parallel.

All I have to do is look at my brother and sister-in-law with their baby girl, Leila.
Their lives have changed drastically because of this little miracle.

For example...
Their curfew has changed. 7 o'clock is the new time to be home because that's when Leila needs to go to bed.

Topics of conversations have changed. Whether it was figuring out Leila's eating schedule, how to get her to sleep through the night, what new things she's discovering this week--I'm pretty sure those were things they never cared to discuss before being parents.

Weekend plans have changed. Now it's trips to the zoo, walks to the park, and restaurants with booster chairs.

Every day life has changed. Bath time is now a favorite part of the day. (I'm hoping that wasn't the case before Leila...)

Responsibilities have changed. No longer can they think just about themselves, but they are now responsible for loving, taking care of and raising this little girl. Life, their plans, their dreams are not about them anymore. All those things now take Leila into account.

Because of their deep love for Leila, a lot of things have changed. To an outsider like me, a lot of these changes seem like pretty big sacrifices. Even though I melt whenever I see my little niece, the life of a parent isn't exactly the most appealing thing. There are many times when I think to myself, "Man, if I had a baby right now I wouldn't be able to take my 2 hour trip to Target." That sounds quite pathetic, but it's true. I guess I'm still too selfish. I want to be able to do my own thing, when and how I want.

You see, I just don't "get it". I don't understand a mother's love quite yet. I don't understand how waking up in the middle of the night to a crying baby is "privilege" and how mom's take so much joy in something that is so sacrificial.

But Matt & Aimee do. If you ask them, despite all the sacrifices and changes their lives have undergone in the last year, I am positive that they would say that it has been their greatest JOY. That loving Leila is easy and that they don't even think twice about all they have given up because they know all that they have truly gained.

And I guess that's where the parallel comes in. Walking with God, allowing Him to change you, your priorities and your heart is a lot like becoming parents. To the outside world it looks like you are giving up a lot--your freedoms, your past life, your time--but to you, it's a natural thing that you absolutely delight in. Yes, there will be struggles along the way, both in your walk with the Lord and as your children grow up, but it's worth it.

Matt & Aimee have shown me that parenting is worth it. I want to show others that knowing God is worth it.

Knowing this parallel, I am excited to experience parenthood at some point in my life. I know that it will stretch me and challenge me, but I also know that it will show me in a new way how much God truly loves me as His child.

obedience OVER sacrifice.

"Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice." 1 Samuel 15:22

I've been chewing on this verse for the past month or so. To obey is better than sacrifice...what does that mean? And why is obedience better? Doesn't God love sacrifice? Doesn't He call us to live, love and spend ourselves sacrificially?

I didn't get it.

The verse just didn't sit well with me either. For some reason it kind of felt like a BIG slap in the face. And here's why.

Lately, I can't stop thinking about the sacrifice. It's all around me, everywhere I look. As we get closer and closer to Thailand, the sacrifices get bigger and bigger. It seems like they're constantly in my face, almost screaming at me.

When Steven and I are at our support meeting with grandma and grandpa Sauder and grandpa Sauder starts crying. When he tells us, through his tears, that his true desire is for us to come back and take over the farm... Sacrifice in my face.

When I tell my grandpa, my most favorite person in the whole world, that we'll be gone for 3 years and don't plan on coming home. When he shakes his head with sadness and tells me in his low, gentle voice, "Lauren...I miss you every day. Don't go..." Sacrifice in my face. (insert crying here)


When I see this beautiful face. Knowing that I won't see her grow up and that she probably won't know her Auntie Lauren and Uncle Steven... Sacrifice in my face.

When we are raising support for everything--our income, our insurance, our housing, our food, our transportation, our clothing--and letting go of our comfortable jobs... Sacrifice in my face.

When I see all my friends having babies and knowing that expanding our family is not something we will be doing for quite some time... Sacrifice in my face.

When I drive by that perfect yellow house with white shutters and a big porch, telling myself that I may never even have a house someday... Sacrifice in my face.

And when I think about boarding the plane. The plane that will take me half way around the world--away from my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my family, my friends, my comforts, and all that I love--my heart starts to hurt, big tears start to fall and the overwhelming sacrifice is right there, in my face.

That is why I've been chewing over that verse for the past month and why it's felt like such a big slap in the face. What do you mean, God? How can obedience really be better than sacrifice? Don't my sacrifices mean anything?

But then it hit me.

Sacrifice is all about me. Obedience is all about God. Sacrifice is giving myself glory. Obedience is giving all glory to God. And maybe that's why.

Maybe that's why God desires obedience over sacrifice.

Because with sacrifice comes entitlement. It's almost as if I thought God now owed me something because of all that I was sacrificing for Him. Wrong. It doesn't work that way. And when I stopped and thought about it, I had basically been telling God "If I give up all these things, Thailand better be awesome. You better bless everything we do and You better make all this worth it." What a great attitude, huh?

When God called Abraham to sacrifice his one and only son, he radically and whole-heartedly obeyed. He didn't mull over the HUGE sacrifice God was calling him to make. He just did it. Abraham knew that it wasn't about him, but that it was all about serving and following God. Abraham knew and lived obedience over sacrifice.

And so I'm learning. I'm learning to ask God to change my mentality. To help my heart know that it's not about the sacrifices I am making. Yes, they're hard. Yes, they're still a reality. But I need to have a more "it's not about me and all about Him" mentality. I'm learning that I'm no one special or super-spiritual just because I'm going to Thailand. I'm learning that I'm just obeying the Word of God and going where I know He has called me to go. Simple as that. I'm learning to see my self-righteous and self-indulged attitude as deep sin and asking for forgiveness and a new selfless focus. I'm learning about obedience.

My "sacrifices" were just my way of childishly complaining all the way to Thailand. But I don't want to be that child. I just want to be His little one that simply follows her Daddy's voice.

it's just a little thing.

It's just a little thing, it's just a little thing.
But it will make a change, it will make a change.
See His Kingdom come in every small thing done.

Words to one of my favorite songs, The Kingdom, written by a dear friend.

Those lyrics touch my heart every time I listen to them. They're simple words. But simple words with deep meaning and encouragement. It gets me thinking and moving every time.

It's just a little thing, but it will make a change. These are words I regularly need to hear as I often become paralyzed by the task at hand. It's just hard for me to look at the world, its hurting people and overwhelming corruption, and not be discouraged. And because of this, there are many times when I don't want to go to Thailand. It's when I'm reminded of how engraved sex-trafficking is in its culture, when I read that 95% of its people are Buddhist and less than 1% Christian, when I see our missionary friends getting kicked out of the countries they've devoted so much of their lives to, that I ask myself, "what's the use?" It's at those times where the task at hand feels so big, so heavy, so unchangeable.

But then I'm reminded. It's just a little thing, but it will make a change. Maybe going to Thailand is just a little thing. Maybe we won't see the end to sex-trafficking, maybe the statistics won't change, maybe we'll get kicked out. But maybe, just maybe, I'll befriend one prostitute and share with her the unconditional love of her Savior. Maybe one Buddhist family will come to know the Way, the Truth, and the Life through our interactions with them. Maybe we'll leave a lasting, eternal impression on a few people's hearts and souls before we have to leave. Maybe all the little things we do while we're in Thailand will make a change. Even if it is small and seemingly insignificant, it's still an eternal change for the Kingdom. And well, it doesn't get any bigger than that.

For all the pessimists out there that don't yet fully believe in this "little thing" philosophy, here's a real life example. It's a video of 4 children that were forever changed through ordinary people who decided to do just a little thing. Usually I'm not a big proponent of "$1 a day will feed this child" kind of videos, but this one is different.

It's different because I know 3 of the children in the video.

They're dear friends. They're brothers and sisters in Christ. And they're my classmates at Moody.



What amazes me about their stories is how much God worked in their lives through someone back in the States. Their sponsors are ordinary people, like you and me, who just decided to do a little thing. I often wonder if they knew what a big impact they would have.

And what really hits home is seeing that Richmond, Tony & Michelle's lives weren't changed through the money their sponsors gave, but rather through the letters their sponsors wrote. Change is personal. Personal connection is what touches our lives and moves our hearts. It's what changed my 3 friends' lives. And it's what can change others and maybe, in return, even the world.

Writing a letter to a child in Guatemala is just a little thing. There are millions of little things that we can be doing for the Kingdom. But the question is, are we actually taking the time out of our busy schedules to do them? Let's not be paralyzed and overwhelmed by the world, let's just be faithful to the little things and believe God for big changes.

It's just a little thing, it's just a little thing.
But it will make a change, it will make a change.
See His Kingdom come in every small thing done.

*If you want to sponsor a child through Compassion, visit http://www.compassion.com/