I haven't written a hesed in 6 months. Well actually, I haven't really written since last October.
So much has happened.
And to be honest, the "so much" has been quite ugly. Okay, really ugly. So ugly, in fact, that I couldn't bring myself to write about it for over a year. Writing, one of the most life-giving parts of my life, was suddenly so draining. My once cherished place to dig deep, connect with God and capture life-long lessons for my soul was actually the very last place I wanted to go.
It's been a really ugly year.
In retrospect, I probably should have written through the mess. It would have been useful to see exactly where my heart was and to remember the true depths from which God has brought us. But at the time, I just couldn't do it. I was ashamed, exhausted and angry. Really, really angry.
And at the end of the day, when I couldn't cry any more tears or fight one more battle, when I couldn't pray or even sing, I found myself completely numb. I didn't want to process things. I didn't want to connect with God. And I sure as hell didn't care if God had any "life-long lessons for my soul".
It's a dangerous thing when you stop caring. You not only lose a sense of yourself, but you lose your love for life, people and, for me, God. And the worst part about it is that you don't even care that you don't care. Yeah... try talking your way out of that one. Impossible. It's a sick, twisted downward spiral to nowhere.
Like I said, it's been a really ugly year.
But today, I am breaking the silence. Maybe because I have just enough courage to write again. Maybe because I'm stupid enough to expose myself in all my sin. Or maybe because I want to claim back what I've lost. The pain, the hurt, the sufferings of this past year. They would all be for nothing if I didn't turn around and claim them for good.
So here's to breaking the silence, to claiming the beauty that's only found in the ugly.
So much has happened.
And to be honest, the "so much" has been quite ugly. Okay, really ugly. So ugly, in fact, that I couldn't bring myself to write about it for over a year. Writing, one of the most life-giving parts of my life, was suddenly so draining. My once cherished place to dig deep, connect with God and capture life-long lessons for my soul was actually the very last place I wanted to go.
It's been a really ugly year.
In retrospect, I probably should have written through the mess. It would have been useful to see exactly where my heart was and to remember the true depths from which God has brought us. But at the time, I just couldn't do it. I was ashamed, exhausted and angry. Really, really angry.
And at the end of the day, when I couldn't cry any more tears or fight one more battle, when I couldn't pray or even sing, I found myself completely numb. I didn't want to process things. I didn't want to connect with God. And I sure as hell didn't care if God had any "life-long lessons for my soul".
It's a dangerous thing when you stop caring. You not only lose a sense of yourself, but you lose your love for life, people and, for me, God. And the worst part about it is that you don't even care that you don't care. Yeah... try talking your way out of that one. Impossible. It's a sick, twisted downward spiral to nowhere.
Like I said, it's been a really ugly year.
But today, I am breaking the silence. Maybe because I have just enough courage to write again. Maybe because I'm stupid enough to expose myself in all my sin. Or maybe because I want to claim back what I've lost. The pain, the hurt, the sufferings of this past year. They would all be for nothing if I didn't turn around and claim them for good.
So here's to breaking the silence, to claiming the beauty that's only found in the ugly.
I just love you so, so, so much. Thanks for sharing your heart, my dear friend!
ReplyDeleteCan relate. If we ever end up being within the same 100 mile radius of each other, we should get together. Pretty sure we would have a lot to talk about.
ReplyDelete~trish