Promises not made.

Leaving was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

God had given me so much strength and grace leading up to our departure that I thought I was in the clear. The excitement was building, the anticipation was rising, and we couldn't wait to get on that plane. I was golden. This was going to be easy.

And then it happened. Two days before actually leaving, I did a 180. Something in me flipped and all of a sudden I was fearful, doubting and reluctant to leave. Maybe the reality of what we were doing was setting in, maybe it was the really hard goodbyes to my family, maybe it was the evil one trying to attack. Either way, I found myself in a completely different state of mind.

I felt like a total hypocrite.

It was so easy for me to talk about giving up everything for the sake of the Gospel, but when I actually had to do it, I got cold feet. Way to go, me.

I remember sitting on the plane in Chicago, watching us pull away from the gate. Without even realizing it, I said under my breath, no, no, no! Steven must have heard me because he responded with a strong and excited, yes, yes, yes! He was obviously ready. Which left me wondering why I so suddenly wasn't.

We eventually made it out of Chicago and landed safely in San Francisco. However, my state of mind was still the same. I couldn't shake the idea that maybe we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives. I remember thinking that there was still time to turn back. Still time to call off this crazy endeavor. Still time to regain my sense of security and control.

But somehow, God got me on the next flight. And it felt so significant. This was our flight to Japan. The flight that would take me away from America and into a world of unknowns. In other words, this flight meant there was no turning back. We were on our way to Thailand whether I liked it or not. We were going to live our lives in Thailand where I liked it or not. We were going to do ministry in Thailand whether I liked it or not. We would be away from our family and friends for a long time whether I liked it or not.

And before I knew it, this taunting question kept replaying in my mind...

What if I just don't like it?

And with that, a wave of what if questions engulfed me. What if something happens to my grandparents while I'm gone? What if Leila doesn't remember me? What if I lose Steven? What if I have no friends in Thailand? What if I never learn the language? What if this ache in my heart from missing my family never goes away? What if we fail?

Somewhere in the midst of suffocating in my thoughts, I turned to Steven and just started bawling. I told him that I wanted to go back. I told him that we couldn't stay in Thailand, that this was stupid of us. I had changed my mind and wanted a normal life. Who did I think I was, anyway, trying to be a missionary? I should have seen this coming. Steven should have married a different girl--someone stronger and better suited for this hard stuff. I don't know how to quite explain it and I'm sure I sounded ridiculous to Steven, but there was this deep unrest and almost panic within me.

And so, I asked Steven to pray. Not because I really wanted him to or because I was seeking Jesus, but because it was the only thing I could think of that could stop all of it--the voices of doubt and fear that I was starting to believe. I needed the Spirit to calm my emotions and ground me in Truth.

And as Steven prayed, the Spirit did just that. God came over me and reminded me of one simple truth. A truth that I've heard before, done before, blogged about before, judged others on before, prayed against before.

I was clinging to promises not made.

God never promised me this would be easy. So when it's not, I shouldn't be surprised.

God never promised me that my grandparents would live forever. Moreso, I'm not even guaranteed tomorrow.

God never promised me the luxury of having family close by. In fact, He says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple" Luke 14:26. I was getting a sobering taste of the seriousness of Jesus' call.

God never promised me Steven for the rest of my life. Steven is a perfect gift from God that He has chosen to bless me with today.

God didn't promise me friends, He didn't promise me the gift of learning language, He didn't promise me success.

These are all promises He has never made me. Yet, I was holding them so near and dear. Ready to abandon God's calling at the thought of losing something I was never entitled to in the first place. Oh, how I continue to struggle with clinging so tightly to something that God has never promised. How often I hold lies as truth and then get mad at God when it doesn't pan out. And goodness, how patient God is with me as He teaches me this lesson over and over again. To recheck where I find my security and claim Him and His promises as the only solid rock on which I stand.

And so, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean I tried to, again, let go of these promises not made. I tried to let my mind, heart, and soul release these dreams I had made up for myself. To repent of putting words in God's mouth and believing them. And then, I tried to embrace and hold fast to the promises He has made me--for they are eternal, hope-giving, and abundantly gracious.

He is with me. Always. He is for me. Always. He is redeeming me. Always. He is near. Always. He is pouring out His love, grace, Spirit, power, presence, wisdom. Always. He is saving. Always. He is more than enough for me. Always. He is in control. Always. He has a plan, a good plan. Always. He is the Alpha and Omega, the One worthy of everything. Always. He is the Giver of eternal life and the Reason I lay down my false hopes. Today, tomorrow and always.