No one ever told me.

Or maybe I wasn't listening. All I ever heard was "You're a sinner. God sent Jesus to offer you forgiveness and give you eternal life in heaven." Sweet. Where do I sign up? I mean, who wouldn't want that? Jesus loves me? Awesome. If I believe in Him and have a relationship with Him, I get to go to heaven for all eternity? Yes, please!

But wait.

There's more.

The second half of the gospel that far too many never hear, face or wrestle with. It's the part that says, "Wait not so fast. While all that previous stuff is true (and nothing short of AMAZING), in return, I get all of you."

ALL OF ME? Like, how much of all is ALL?

Luke 14:25-33
25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27 And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

28 "Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? 29 For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, 30 saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

31 "Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33 In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

Yikes. Time to count the cost. The way I see it, Jesus is giving us a 3 point check list.

1. "You must hate your own father, mother, spouse, children, siblings, yourself or any other human relationship for that matter, in order to follow me." Seriously? I mean, cmon. That's pretty stiff. It took me a long time to truly understand what He is getting at here. Yes, Jesus wants me to love people. Yes, He wants me to honor my parents. Yes, He wants me to serve anyone and everyone. But none of this is to be above my devotion, my love or my loyalty to Him. Sometimes I mistakenly picture Jesus as this meek and complacent guy who will be satisfied with anything I want to throw His way. Not so much. He spits out the lukewarm and half-hearted. He'd rather have none of me, than my mere leftovers. I guess it makes sense. If Steven had proposed saying that he was only going to commit part of his life to me, I'm pretty sure I would have thrown the ring back in his face. No, not pretty sure. 100% sure. Maybe that's how Jesus feels when I offer Him only the parts of my life that I am comfortable with Him having. I wonder how many bad proposals I have laid before God.

2. "Plan on carrying your cross daily." Carry my cross? Like, wear a cross necklace and tell people about Jesus when they ask me about it? Don't laugh, but that's literally what I thought Jesus meant. If only it were that easy... Instead He's saying, "Hey Lauren. You must die to self-will and embrace MINE, no matter what the cost." It means I no longer get a say in how I live my life--for I am a slave to Christ. He calls the shots. His agenda is now my agenda. My heart now beats for the the things that break His. Major paradigm shift.

3. "You must give up everything." As if the first two weren't crazy enough. My money, my talents, my desires, my relationships, my pride, my e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.....

So, what am I getting at here? Sounds like I'm making a case to not choose Christ. I'm not. While it seems like so much to give up at the moment, it's not. I can honestly say that is has been the greatest JOY placing my life, my everything in God's control. It's so much richer, so much fuller, so much more significant. The people who have done it know what I'm talking about. So, what is my point? My point is that I spent the first 20 some years of my life never understanding the full circle of the Gospel. I had not counted the cost. I did not consider all these things before becoming a "Christian". Simply put, Jesus was nothing more than my free ticket to heaven. My Savior, yes, but not my Lord. Truth is, you can't have one and not the other.

I realized my mistake about 4 years ago when I specifically remember telling God that I would NOT be a missionary. No way, no how, not ever. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted and missions was NOT what I wanted. It was at this cross-roads where I admitted to myself that I was not a disciple of Christ. According to Luke 14, I couldn't be. How come no one ever told me?

Maybe this is why we see so much hypocrisy in the church today. It's filled with people that haven't counted the cost. It's filled with people like me--just wanting the free gift of eternal life but never fully realizing that it means giving up your life in this world. Maybe if more people counted the cost we wouldn't have so many people claim to be Christian, but look no different than the atheist. Maybe if more people counted the cost, the "radicals" wouldn't be so far and few between.

Counting the cost. I'm convinced it's the only way to live a life of true hesed back toward God.