an unexpected dilemma.

So, here we are.

Finally in Thailand.

Finally on the ground with a real picture of what life will look like. Finally able to smell it, see it, feel it, experience it. Finally able to embrace this place as home. (And before I go any further, I just need to take a moment to praise God for this. For the past year we have been saying to ourselves and everyone else, "We just need to get there." And well, here we are. And my, how blessed we really feel. There's this excitement in the air of finally getting to see the plan unfold and go to work. To soak it all in and dive in head first. And so, we are giving thanks. Raising our hands in praise and saying, "Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus! We are here!!")

But even with all that being said, I must say that Thailand is nothing like we imagined. At all. (Funny how nothing ever really is...)

And while I'm not exactly sure what we expected, all I know is that this definitely wasn't it. It was probably our arrogant view of missions mixed with our American ethnocentrism, but we came to Thailand expecting to suffer. We left home thinking we were giving up everything, never expecting to get anything in return. And even though people had told us that Thailand was an "easy" place to live, we still had in our minds that we would sleep on dirt floors, never have a warm shower, eat strange and unusual food and feel incredibly lonely and deprived. The funny thing is, not only did we expect to suffer, we actually wanted to. Call us crazy, but to us, that was just the definition of being a "missionary". Call us prideful, but the more we suffered, the more we thought we were doing for God. The more we suffered, the more we mattered. And consequently, the more we suffered, the more people would pray and the more our supporters would keep on giving.

But we have to admit to you, whoever "you" are out there, that the Sauders are not suffering. People were right. Thailand is, in fact, a very easy place to live. We have hot showers. The buildings are air-conditioned and clean. The infrastructure is developed and manageable. The people are friendly and helpful. There are equivalents to Walmart, Whole Foods, Ikea, Macys, Home Depot. The hospitals are good and safe. The houses, beautiful. The weather, perfect.

And while you'd think that all these things would make us thankful, we are actually having a really hard time with it. I guess you could say, the lack of suffering is causing some tension within our hearts.

What an unexpected dilemma.

This tension came to a head when we found and signed the lease for our house...

(See? I told you we weren't suffering.)

To be very honest, posting this picture is also really hard for us. We hate that it's not a grass hut like we imagined. We hate that it could come across that the Sauders have moved to Thailand to "live in extravagance". We hate that it could be seen that we are going about this all wrong--that we know nothing about cross cultural ministry and are hurting our witness by living in this home. We hate that it could be said by many that we are being irresponsible with people's financial sacrifices to us.

We know these concerns. We know some people will not understand this decision. And we know that we may be judged for being missionaries, on support, not suffering for Jesus.

But, we also know our genuine hearts in moving to Thailand, in searching for a home, in serving God. We know that we walked away from the American dream, never even thinking we'd have a home in Thailand. We know that we didn't come here to pursue comfort or our own selfish desires. We know that we have prayed through every big purchase, asking God to give us great wisdom, discernment and peace. And we know that God has answered many of our prayers through the blessing of this house.

We prayed to live in a neighborhood close to our language school and team leaders. Check. We prayed for a place that fit within our budget. Check--our landlords even came down 1/3 of the price to accommodate our financial needs. We prayed for a Thai neighborhood with friendly neighbors to develop relationships with. Check--we've been told that our neighbors are so very excited to meet us and want us to stop by (a blessing in and of itself as Thais are usually very private people). We prayed for a person of peace, for someone that would take us under their wing and embrace us. Check--our landlords are, simply put, amazing. They remind me of my grandparents, which is saying a lot. The landlady, Air, is one of the most hospitable, fun-loving, accommodating, helpful people I've ever met. She told me that I could come to her house every day, that she'd take me to all her favorite markets. She said we'd be great friends and that she'd help me learn Thai. Right after we met them, I just looked at Steven and said, "Could God really be giving me a set of "grandparents" here in Thailand? Does He really love me that much?" Yes, God has been so good to us. We have felt His goodness to us through our landlords.

And so, we know that God has gone before us in finding this house. We are confident that this is where we should live for now, even though we are uncomfortable with what image it could project. This unexpected dilemma has been so good for us to wrestle through. We have been forced to process a lot of our own issues and unbiblical thinking and as a result, have been sanctified and grounded in our one and only identity--Christ followers.

As Christ followers, we are accountable to the Lord and the Lord alone. To buy a nice house for the approval of man is wrong. But, to not rent a nice house for the approval of man is also wrong. For both seek after man and not the Maker.

As Christ followers, we are serving the Lord through all things--whether we live in a grass hut or a nice house.

As Christ followers, we find our worth in the person of Jesus Christ, not in our suffering for Him. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast." Maybe God wants us to see that our desire to suffer is an unacceptable sacrifice--for it has been rooted in pride and sinful motives. Maybe He wants us to see that it's not works, no matter how good they may be, that wins His heart. Maybe He wants to crush all our expectations so that we can't boast in anything but Him. Maybe God was seeing that suffering was becoming for our sake, not for His.

As I was talking through this the other day with a friend, he said this to me:

"Thanks for being there. And no less thanks just because you might enjoy it."

Wow. How truthful and freeing that was to hear. So freeing to know that I don't need to be miserable to serve God here. So freeing to know that it's okay to be blessed by God, both spiritually and physically, and to enjoy His gifts to us. So freeing to know that I don't have to feel guilty that Thailand has Starbucks, that it doesn't take away from our ministry or love for the Lord. So freeing to know that I can relax, enjoy these little bits of home that God has given us here, and be unashamed of it.

So, here we are. Finally in Thailand. Dealing with unexpected dilemmas that were never on our horizon before. But feeling free. Free to walk by the Spirit and not by our own pride, our own expectations, or our doubts and fears. Free to show the world how our God has abundantly provided and paved the way. Free to be blessed, to be a blessing.

Promises not made.

Leaving was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

God had given me so much strength and grace leading up to our departure that I thought I was in the clear. The excitement was building, the anticipation was rising, and we couldn't wait to get on that plane. I was golden. This was going to be easy.

And then it happened. Two days before actually leaving, I did a 180. Something in me flipped and all of a sudden I was fearful, doubting and reluctant to leave. Maybe the reality of what we were doing was setting in, maybe it was the really hard goodbyes to my family, maybe it was the evil one trying to attack. Either way, I found myself in a completely different state of mind.

I felt like a total hypocrite.

It was so easy for me to talk about giving up everything for the sake of the Gospel, but when I actually had to do it, I got cold feet. Way to go, me.

I remember sitting on the plane in Chicago, watching us pull away from the gate. Without even realizing it, I said under my breath, no, no, no! Steven must have heard me because he responded with a strong and excited, yes, yes, yes! He was obviously ready. Which left me wondering why I so suddenly wasn't.

We eventually made it out of Chicago and landed safely in San Francisco. However, my state of mind was still the same. I couldn't shake the idea that maybe we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives. I remember thinking that there was still time to turn back. Still time to call off this crazy endeavor. Still time to regain my sense of security and control.

But somehow, God got me on the next flight. And it felt so significant. This was our flight to Japan. The flight that would take me away from America and into a world of unknowns. In other words, this flight meant there was no turning back. We were on our way to Thailand whether I liked it or not. We were going to live our lives in Thailand where I liked it or not. We were going to do ministry in Thailand whether I liked it or not. We would be away from our family and friends for a long time whether I liked it or not.

And before I knew it, this taunting question kept replaying in my mind...

What if I just don't like it?

And with that, a wave of what if questions engulfed me. What if something happens to my grandparents while I'm gone? What if Leila doesn't remember me? What if I lose Steven? What if I have no friends in Thailand? What if I never learn the language? What if this ache in my heart from missing my family never goes away? What if we fail?

Somewhere in the midst of suffocating in my thoughts, I turned to Steven and just started bawling. I told him that I wanted to go back. I told him that we couldn't stay in Thailand, that this was stupid of us. I had changed my mind and wanted a normal life. Who did I think I was, anyway, trying to be a missionary? I should have seen this coming. Steven should have married a different girl--someone stronger and better suited for this hard stuff. I don't know how to quite explain it and I'm sure I sounded ridiculous to Steven, but there was this deep unrest and almost panic within me.

And so, I asked Steven to pray. Not because I really wanted him to or because I was seeking Jesus, but because it was the only thing I could think of that could stop all of it--the voices of doubt and fear that I was starting to believe. I needed the Spirit to calm my emotions and ground me in Truth.

And as Steven prayed, the Spirit did just that. God came over me and reminded me of one simple truth. A truth that I've heard before, done before, blogged about before, judged others on before, prayed against before.

I was clinging to promises not made.

God never promised me this would be easy. So when it's not, I shouldn't be surprised.

God never promised me that my grandparents would live forever. Moreso, I'm not even guaranteed tomorrow.

God never promised me the luxury of having family close by. In fact, He says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple" Luke 14:26. I was getting a sobering taste of the seriousness of Jesus' call.

God never promised me Steven for the rest of my life. Steven is a perfect gift from God that He has chosen to bless me with today.

God didn't promise me friends, He didn't promise me the gift of learning language, He didn't promise me success.

These are all promises He has never made me. Yet, I was holding them so near and dear. Ready to abandon God's calling at the thought of losing something I was never entitled to in the first place. Oh, how I continue to struggle with clinging so tightly to something that God has never promised. How often I hold lies as truth and then get mad at God when it doesn't pan out. And goodness, how patient God is with me as He teaches me this lesson over and over again. To recheck where I find my security and claim Him and His promises as the only solid rock on which I stand.

And so, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean I tried to, again, let go of these promises not made. I tried to let my mind, heart, and soul release these dreams I had made up for myself. To repent of putting words in God's mouth and believing them. And then, I tried to embrace and hold fast to the promises He has made me--for they are eternal, hope-giving, and abundantly gracious.

He is with me. Always. He is for me. Always. He is redeeming me. Always. He is near. Always. He is pouring out His love, grace, Spirit, power, presence, wisdom. Always. He is saving. Always. He is more than enough for me. Always. He is in control. Always. He has a plan, a good plan. Always. He is the Alpha and Omega, the One worthy of everything. Always. He is the Giver of eternal life and the Reason I lay down my false hopes. Today, tomorrow and always.

"How are you feeling?"

It's the main question we've been getting as of lately. Everyone's been wanting to know what kind of emotions we're experiencing with Thailand only a few days away. "Are you excited? Scared? Hesitant? Ready?"

It's a seemingly simple question that comes with a layered and complex answer. Steven and I have laid in bed numerous nights trying to process our varying emotions, asking ourselves the very same question...

"how do we really feel?"

Because the reality is, there isn't just one thing we are feeling. Each night brings about a different emotion, with different epiphanies and lessons from God. And while they are some times hard to navigate, it has been a really encouraging and bonding experience for us.

And so, here's my attempt to process through all the paradoxical emotions that are going through the Sauders at this very moment--4 days from moving our lives, hearts and dreams to Thailand.

We are excited. This is mostly how we feel and our most common response to people. And it's not a fake answer or what we think we should say. We are genuinely and deeply excited. We are so ready for this. We can't wait to board that plane and step into an unknown world, only having each other, God and 4 suitcases. We love that. We love that our encounter with God will be more sweet and intimate than it ever has been before. We love that we will have to depend on God more than we ever have before. We love that we will grow and struggle in our faith more than we ever have before. We love that it will be less of us and more of God than it ever has been before. Maybe to say we are excited is an understatement. As a girl who still can't sleep on Christmas Eve because of the anticipation of Christmas morning, you can probably imagine the small amount of sleep I've gotten this past week. Even Steven is showing signs of excitement, and well, that's saying a lot.

We are thankful. Steven usually prays for us before we go to bed. The other night, instead of praying, we just started shouting out things we were thankful for.

Thanks God for our amazing families.

Thanks God for raising up people to financially support us. Thank you for their sacrifices.

Thanks God for healthy goodbyes.

Thanks God for such a straight path.

Thanks God for working out all the details.

Thanks God for all the unexpected people who have encouraged us along the way.

Thanks God for giving us each other.

Thanks God for selling our cars.

Thanks God for our friends who love us so well.

Thanks God for this opportunity.

Thanks God for being worthy of our lives.

Tears start to well up as I recount all that we are thankful for. It's such a hard thing to explain--this deep sense of gratitude we feel. So for now, just know that we are so very humbled and grateful to God and the body of Christ.

We are conflicted. This is a strange one. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but we often feel like we're living inside one big paradox. We're happy, but we're sad. We're excited, but we're nervous. We're counting it all joy, but we're counting the cost. We're prepared, but not fully. We want to sell everything, but we want to hold on to things. We enjoy this life, but there are days we hate it too. The range of emotions are sometimes overwhelming... My poor husband asks me every day, "How are you feeling?", knowing full well that I could answer with a big hug and smile or crumble into his arms with a deep sob. He never knows what he's gonna get. The biggest paradox we are facing is feeling so ready and excited, yet not wanting to say goodbye and leave. It's a big divide in our hearts. We know what awaits us in Thailand, we know this is the Lord's will, we are chomping at the bit to bring glory to God in a new place. That's exciting stuff. Yet, we love being "here". Being close to family. Having deep community with our friends. Seeing Leila grow up before our very eyes. That's hard stuff to leave behind. As Steven and I have talked about this conflicted feeling, I asked him if we were maybe getting a glimpse into how Jesus felt before coming to earth. Not to put ourselves on the same playing field as Jesus, but it gave us insight into the immense sacrifice He made for us. Leaving His heavenly home, His sweet communion with His Father, a safe and warm place. All to be made low, to be born in a manger, to be crucified, to save us all. Maybe Jesus was conflicted too. And maybe being conflicted isn't necessarily a bad thing for us to feel, but just another way to make us more like Him.

We are in awe. There is a peace we have that transcends all understanding. If you would have asked me 6 months ago how I'd be feeling a week before leaving, I would have probably used the word miserable. As much as we have wanted to do this, there was still a deep ache in my heart about leaving and I would cry any time I thought about it for too long. (Again with the whole paradox thing...) I was dreading the month of January. There would even be times of panic where I would look at Steven and say, "I don't want to go anymore. This is too crazy. I can't do this." But as we continued on, we kept praying for a deep sense of peace and JOY. I knew I wouldn't make it without God's supernatural help. I desperately needed Him to completely fill me so there would be no room left for fear. I was counting on God to somehow show up and get me on that plane. And you know what? His grace is sufficient. It's more than sufficient. It's everything. I am only able to stand here today, healthy and joyful, by the grace of God. Not by my own strength, but as a pure testament to God, who gives you the grace you need to carry out His will, however hard it may seem.

We are confident. We are no longer held captive by our fears or thinking too little of God. We have seen God at work and we move forward with a great confidence in His power and hand in all of this. I don't know how this all happened. I don't know how we raised support in 4 months. I don't know how we've been able to walk away from all that is comfortable. I don't know how we've managed to pack in only 4 suitcases. I don't know how I said goodbye to my grandparents. I don't know how all these hard things were made easy. But I do know that God was in it all. Walking by our side, holding our hands, whispering truth, gently encouraging, painfully sanctifying, constantly comforting. What sweet intimacy we have had with our God through this process. Upon reflection, Steven and I wondered if there were times in our lives that we've missed this opportunity. We questioned how many times we've let fear or disbelief stop us from doing hard things for the Kingdom, and as a result, missed times where we could have felt the deep hesed of our Father. That is why we are confident. Because we have been held by God and stand in His strength, not ours.

And there you have it. That's how the Sauder's really feel.

In honor of MLK Day...

Here's a recording, written and audio, of Martin Luther King Jr.'s last speech called "Drum Major Instinct". We listened to this at church yesterday and I just had to post it.

His speech was given on February 4th, 1968 and was an adaption of the 1952 homily "Drum-Major Instincts" by J. Wallace Hamilton, a well-known, liberal, white Methodist preacher. King encouraged his congregation to seek greatness, but to do so through service and love. King concluded the sermon by imagining his own funeral, downplaying his famous achievements and emphasizing his heart to do right.

Martin Luther King Jr. was shot exactly 2 months after this speech.

Below is an excerpt from his actual sermon 43 years ago. I also posted the speech in its entirety. It's rather long, but I bolded the last part where the audio coincides with it. I read through the whole speech. And it's a great message.

It was a great reminder of what we should be living for and how we should be living for it. Being just like Jesus, a humble servant for the Kingdom of God. I love his last line and pray it over my own life...

"Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world."

May we remember today a great man who stood for love, peace, and justice in the name of Jesus. And may we all be remembered as great as he.

The setting is clear. James and John are making a specific request of the master. They had dreamed, as most of the Hebrews dreamed, of a coming king of Israel who would set Jerusalem free and establish his kingdom on Mount Zion, and in righteousness rule the world. And they thought of Jesus as this kind of king. And they were thinking of that day when Jesus would reign supreme as this new king of Israel. And they were saying, "Now when you establish your kingdom, let one of us sit on the right hand and the other on the left hand of your throne."

Now very quickly, we would automatically condemn James and John, and we would say they were selfish. Why would they make such a selfish request? But before we condemn them too quickly, let us look calmly and honestly at ourselves, and we will discover that we too have those same basic desires for recognition, for importance. That same desire for attention, that same desire to be first. Of course, the other disciples got mad with James and John, and you could understand why, but we must understand that we have some of the same James and John qualities. And there is deep down within all of us an instinct. It's a kind of drum major instinct—a desire to be out front, a desire to lead the parade, a desire to be first. And it is something that runs the whole gamut of life.

And so before we condemn them, let us see that we all have the drum major instinct. We all want to be important, to surpass others, to achieve distinction, to lead the parade. Alfred Adler, the great psychoanalyst, contends that this is the dominant impulse. Sigmund Freud used to contend that sex was the dominant impulse, and Adler came with a new argument saying that this quest for recognition, this desire for attention, this desire for distinction is the basic impulse, the basic drive of human life, this drum major instinct.

And you know, we begin early to ask life to put us first. Our first cry as a baby was a bid for attention. And all through childhood the drum major impulse or instinct is a major obsession. Children ask life to grant them first place. They are a little bundle of ego. And they have innately the drum major impulse or the drum major instinct.

Now in adult life, we still have it, and we really never get by it. We like to do something good. And you know, we like to be praised for it. Now if you don't believe that, you just go on living life, and you will discover very soon that you like to be praised. Everybody likes it, as a matter of fact. And somehow this warm glow we feel when we are praised or when our name is in print is something of the vitamin A to our ego. Nobody is unhappy when they are praised, even if they know they don't deserve it and even if they don't believe it. The only unhappy people about praise is when that praise is going too much toward somebody else. (That’s right) But everybody likes to be praised because of this real drum major instinct.

Now the presence of the drum major instinct is why so many people are "joiners." You know, there are some people who just join everything. And it's really a quest for attention and recognition and importance. And they get names that give them that impression. So you get your groups, and they become the "Grand Patron," and the little fellow who is henpecked at home needs a chance to be the "Most Worthy of the Most Worthy" of something. It is the drum major impulse and longing that runs the gamut of human life. And so we see it everywhere, this quest for recognition. And we join things, overjoin really, that we think that we will find that recognition in.

Now the presence of this instinct explains why we are so often taken by advertisers. You know, those gentlemen of massive verbal persuasion. And they have a way of saying things to you that kind of gets you into buying. In order to be a man of distinction, you must drink this whiskey. In order to make your neighbors envious, you must drive this type of car. (Make it plain) In order to be lovely to love you must wear this kind of lipstick or this kind of perfume. And you know, before you know it, you're just buying that stuff. (Yes) That's the way the advertisers do it.

I got a letter the other day, and it was a new magazine coming out. And it opened up, "Dear Dr. King: As you know, you are on many mailing lists. And you are categorized as highly intelligent, progressive, a lover of the arts and the sciences, and I know you will want to read what I have to say." Of course I did. After you said all of that and explained me so exactly, of course I wanted to read it. [laughter]

But very seriously, it goes through life; the drum major instinct is real. (Yes) And you know what else it causes to happen? It often causes us to live above our means. (Make it plain)It's nothing but the drum major instinct. Do you ever see people buy cars that they can't even begin to buy in terms of their income? (Amen) [laughter] You've seen people riding around in Cadillacs and Chryslers who don't earn enough to have a good T-Model Ford. (Make it plain) But it feeds a repressed ego.

You know, economists tell us that your automobile should not cost more than half of your annual income. So if you make an income of five thousand dollars, your car shouldn't cost more than about twenty-five hundred. That's just good economics. And if it's a family of two, and both members of the family make ten thousand dollars, they would have to make out with one car. That would be good economics, although it's often inconvenient. But so often, haven't you seen people making five thousand dollars a year and driving a car that costs six thousand? And they wonder why their ends never meet. [laughter] That's a fact.

Now the economists also say that your house shouldn't cost—if you're buying a house, it shouldn't cost more than twice your income. That's based on the economy and how you would make ends meet. So, if you have an income of five thousand dollars, it's kind of difficult in this society. But say it's a family with an income of ten thousand dollars, the house shouldn't cost much more than twenty thousand. Well, I've seen folk making ten thousand dollars, living in a forty- and fifty-thousand-dollar house. And you know they just barely make it. They get a check every month somewhere, and they owe all of that out before it comes in. Never have anything to put away for rainy days.

But now the problem is, it is the drum major instinct. And you know, you see people over and over again with the drum major instinct taking them over. And they just live their lives trying to outdo the Joneses. (Amen) They got to get this coat because this particular coat is a little better and a little better-looking than Mary's coat. And I got to drive this car because it's something about this car that makes my car a little better than my neighbor's car. (Amen) I know a man who used to live in a thirty-five-thousand-dollar house. And other people started building thirty-five-thousand-dollar houses, so he built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house. And then somebody else built a seventy-five-thousand-dollar house, and he built a hundred-thousand-dollar house. And I don't know where he's going to end up if he's going to live his life trying to keep up with the Joneses.

There comes a time that the drum major instinct can become destructive. (Make it plain) And that's where I want to move now. I want to move to the point of saying that if this instinct is not harnessed, it becomes a very dangerous, pernicious instinct. For instance, if it isn’t harnessed, it causes one's personality to become distorted. I guess that's the most damaging aspect of it: what it does to the personality. If it isn't harnessed, you will end up day in and day out trying to deal with your ego problem by boasting. Have you ever heard people that—you know, and I'm sure you've met them—that really become sickening because they just sit up all the time talking about themselves. (Amen) And they just boast and boast and boast, and that's the person who has not harnessed the drum major instinct.

And then it does other things to the personality. It causes you to lie about who you know sometimes. (Amen, Make it plain) There are some people who are influence peddlers. And in their attempt to deal with the drum major instinct, they have to try to identify with the so-called big-name people. (Yeah, Make it plain) And if you're not careful, they will make you think they know somebody that they don't really know. (Amen) They know them well, they sip tea with them, and they this-and-that. That happens to people.

And the other thing is that it causes one to engage ultimately in activities that are merely used to get attention. Criminologists tell us that some people are driven to crime because of this drum major instinct. They don't feel that they are getting enough attention through the normal channels of social behavior, and so they turn to anti-social behavior in order to get attention, in order to feel important. (Yeah) And so they get that gun, and before they know it they robbed a bank in a quest for recognition, in a quest for importance.

And then the final great tragedy of the distorted personality is the fact that when one fails to harness this instinct, (Glory to God) he ends up trying to push others down in order to push himself up. (Amen) And whenever you do that, you engage in some of the most vicious activities. You will spread evil, vicious, lying gossip on people, because you are trying to pull them down in order to push yourself up. (Make it plain) And the great issue of life is to harness the drum major instinct.

Now the other problem is, when you don't harness the drum major instinct—this uncontrolled aspect of it—is that it leads to snobbish exclusivism. It leads to snobbish exclusivism. (Make it plain) And you know, this is the danger of social clubs and fraternities—I'm in a fraternity; I'm in two or three—for sororities and all of these, I'm not talking against them. I'm saying it's the danger. The danger is that they can become forces of classism and exclusivism where somehow you get a degree of satisfaction because you are in something exclusive. And that's fulfilling something, you know—that I'm in this fraternity, and it's the best fraternity in the world, and everybody can't get in this fraternity. So it ends up, you know, a very exclusive kind of thing.

And you know, that can happen with the church; I know churches get in that bind sometimes. (Amen, Make it plain) I've been to churches, you know, and they say, "We have so many doctors, and so many school teachers, and so many lawyers, and so many businessmen in our church." And that's fine, because doctors need to go to church, and lawyers, and businessmen, teachers—they ought to be in church. But they say that—even the preacher sometimes will go all through that—they say that as if the other people don't count. (Amen)

And the church is the one place where a doctor ought to forget that he's a doctor. The church is the one place where a Ph.D. ought to forget that he's a Ph.D. (Yes) The church is the one place that the school teacher ought to forget the degree she has behind her name. The church is the one place where the lawyer ought to forget that he's a lawyer. And any church that violates the "whosoever will, let him come" doctrine is a dead, cold church, (Yes) and nothing but a little social club with a thin veneer of religiosity.

When the church is true to its nature, (Whoo) it says, "Whosoever will, let him come." (Yes) And it does not supposed to satisfy the perverted uses of the drum major instinct. It's the one place where everybody should be the same, standing before a common master and savior. (Yes, sir) And a recognition grows out of this—that all men are brothers because they are children (Yes) of a common father.

The drum major instinct can lead to exclusivism in one's thinking and can lead one to feel that because he has some training, he's a little better than that person who doesn't have it. Or because he has some economic security, that he's a little better than that person who doesn't have it. And that's the uncontrolled, perverted use of the drum major instinct.

Now the other thing is, that it leads to tragic—and we've seen it happen so often—tragic race prejudice. Many who have written about this problem—Lillian Smith used to say it beautifully in some of her books. And she would say it to the point of getting men and women to see the source of the problem. Do you know that a lot of the race problem grows out of the drum major instinct? A need that some people have to feel superior. A need that some people have to feel that they are first, and to feel that their white skin ordained them to be first. (Make it plain, today, ‘cause I’m against it, so help me God) And they have said over and over again in ways that we see with our own eyes. In fact, not too long ago, a man down in Mississippi said that God was a charter member of the White Citizens Council. And so God being the charter member means that everybody who's in that has a kind of divinity, a kind of superiority. And think of what has happened in history as a result of this perverted use of the drum major instinct. It has led to the most tragic prejudice, the most tragic expressions of man's inhumanity to man.

The other day I was saying, I always try to do a little converting when I'm in jail. And when we were in jail in Birmingham the other day, the white wardens and all enjoyed coming around the cell to talk about the race problem. And they were showing us where we were so wrong demonstrating. And they were showing us where segregation was so right. And they were showing us where intermarriage was so wrong. So I would get to preaching, and we would get to talking—calmly, because they wanted to talk about it. And then we got down one day to the point—that was the second or third day—to talk about where they lived, and how much they were earning. And when those brothers told me what they were earning, I said, "Now, you know what? You ought to be marching with us. [laughter] You're just as poor as Negroes." And I said, "You are put in the position of supporting your oppressor, because through prejudice and blindness, you fail to see that the same forces that oppress Negroes in American society oppress poor white people. (Yes) And all you are living on is the satisfaction of your skin being white, and the drum major instinct of thinking that you are somebody big because you are white. And you're so poor you can't send your children to school. You ought to be out here marching with every one of us every time we have a march."

Now that's a fact. That the poor white has been put into this position, where through blindness and prejudice, (Make it plain) he is forced to support his oppressors. And the only thing he has going for him is the false feeling that he’s superior because his skin is white—and can't hardly eat and make his ends meet week in and week out. (Amen)

And not only does this thing go into the racial struggle, it goes into the struggle between nations. And I would submit to you this morning that what is wrong in the world today is that the nations of the world are engaged in a bitter, colossal contest for supremacy. And if something doesn't happen to stop this trend, I'm sorely afraid that we won't be here to talk about Jesus Christ and about God and about brotherhood too many more years. (Yeah) If somebody doesn't bring an end to this suicidal thrust that we see in the world today, none of us are going to be around, because somebody's going to make the mistake through our senseless blunderings of dropping a nuclear bomb somewhere. And then another one is going to drop. And don't let anybody fool you, this can happen within a matter of seconds. (Amen) They have twenty-megaton bombs in Russia right now that can destroy a city as big as New York in three seconds, with everybody wiped away, and every building. And we can do the same thing to Russia and China.

But this is why we are drifting. And we are drifting there because nations are caught up with the drum major instinct. "I must be first." "I must be supreme." "Our nation must rule the world." (Preach it) And I am sad to say that the nation in which we live is the supreme culprit. And I'm going to continue to say it to America, because I love this country too much to see the drift that it has taken.

God didn't call America to do what she's doing in the world now. (Preach it, preach it) God didn't call America to engage in a senseless, unjust war as the war in Vietnam. And we are criminals in that war. We’ve committed more war crimes almost than any nation in the world, and I'm going to continue to say it. And we won't stop it because of our pride and our arrogance as a nation.

But God has a way of even putting nations in their place. (Amen) The God that I worship has a way of saying, "Don't play with me." (Yes) He has a way of saying, as the God of the Old Testament used to say to the Hebrews, "Don’t play with me, Israel. Don't play with me, Babylon. (Yes) Be still and know that I'm God. And if you don't stop your reckless course, I'll rise up and break the backbone of your power." (Yes) And that can happen to America. (Yes) Every now and then I go back and read Gibbons' Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. And when I come and look at America, I say to myself, the parallels are frightening. And we have perverted the drum major instinct.

But let me rush on to my conclusion, because I want you to see what Jesus was really saying. What was the answer that Jesus gave these men? It's very interesting. One would have thought that Jesus would have condemned them. One would have thought that Jesus would have said, "You are out of your place. You are selfish. Why would you raise such a question?"

But that isn't what Jesus did; he did something altogether different. He said in substance, "Oh, I see, you want to be first. You want to be great. You want to be important. You want to be significant. Well, you ought to be. If you're going to be my disciple, you must be." But he reordered priorities. And he said, "Yes, don't give up this instinct. It's a good instinct if you use it right. (Yes) It's a good instinct if you don't distort it and pervert it. Don't give it up. Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be first in love. (Amen) I want you to be first in moral excellence. I want you to be first in generosity. That is what I want you to do."

And he transformed the situation by giving a new definition of greatness. And you know how he said it? He said, "Now brethren, I can't give you greatness. And really, I can't make you first." This is what Jesus said to James and John. "You must earn it. True greatness comes not by favoritism, but by fitness. And the right hand and the left are not mine to give, they belong to those who are prepared." (Amen)

And so Jesus gave us a new norm of greatness. If you want to be important—wonderful. If you want to be recognized—wonderful. If you want to be great—wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. (Amen) That's a new definition of greatness.

And this morning, the thing that I like about it: by giving that definition of greatness, it means that everybody can be great, (Everybody) because everybody can serve. (Amen) You don't have to have a college degree to serve. (All right) You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's theory of relativity to serve. You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. (Amen) You only need a heart full of grace, (Yes, sir, Amen) a soul generated by love. (Yes) And you can be that servant.

I know a man—and I just want to talk about him a minute, and maybe you will discover who I'm talking about as I go down the way (Yeah) because he was a great one. And he just went about serving. He was born in an obscure village, (Yes, sir) the child of a poor peasant woman. And then he grew up in still another obscure village, where he worked as a carpenter until he was thirty years old. (Amen) Then for three years, he just got on his feet, and he was an itinerant preacher. And he went about doing some things. He didn't have much. He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family. (Yes) He never owned a house. He never went to college. He never visited a big city. He never went two hundred miles from where he was born. He did none of the usual things that the world would associate with greatness. He had no credentials but himself.

He was only thirty-three when the tide of public opinion turned against him. They called him a rabble-rouser. They called him a troublemaker. They said he was an agitator. (Glory to God) He practiced civil disobedience; he broke injunctions. And so he was turned over to his enemies and went through the mockery of a trial. And the irony of it all is that his friends turned him over to them. (Amen) One of his closest friends denied him. Another of his friends turned him over to his enemies. And while he was dying, the people who killed him gambled for his clothing, the only possession that he had in the world. (Lord help him) When he was dead he was buried in a borrowed tomb, through the pity of a friend.

Nineteen centuries have come and gone and today he stands as the most influential figure that ever entered human history. All of the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, and all the kings that ever reigned put together (Yes) have not affected the life of man on this earth (Amen) as much as that one solitary life. His name may be a familiar one. (Jesus) But today I can hear them talking about him. Every now and then somebody says, "He's King of Kings." (Yes) And again I can hear somebody saying, "He's Lord of Lords." Somewhere else I can hear somebody saying, "In Christ there is no East nor West." (Yes) And then they go on and talk about, "In Him there's no North and South, but one great Fellowship of Love throughout the whole wide world." He didn't have anything. (Amen) He just went around serving and doing good.

This morning, you can be on his right hand and his left hand if you serve. (Amen) It's the only way in.

Every now and then I guess we all think realistically (Yes, sir) about that day when we will be victimized with what is life's final common denominator—that something that we call death. We all think about it. And every now and then I think about my own death and I think about my own funeral. And I don't think of it in a morbid sense. And every now and then I ask myself, "What is it that I would want said?" And I leave the word to you this morning.

If any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don’t want a long funeral. And if you get somebody to deliver the eulogy, tell them not to talk too long. (Yes) And every now and then I wonder what I want them to say. Tell them not to mention that I have a Nobel Peace Prize—that isn’t important. Tell them not to mention that I have three or four hundred other awards—that’s not important. Tell them not to mention where I went to school. (Yes)

I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to give his life serving others. (Yes)

I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody.

I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question. (Amen)

I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry. (Yes)

And I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked. (Yes)

I want you to say on that day that I did try in my life to visit those who were in prison. (Lord)

I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity. (Yes)

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. (Amen) Say that I was a drum major for peace. (Yes) I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. (Yes) I won't have any money to leave behind. I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind. But I just want to leave a committed life behind. (Amen) And that's all I want to say.

If I can help somebody as I pass along,

If I can cheer somebody with a word or song,

If I can show somebody he's traveling wrong,

Then my living will not be in vain.

If I can do my duty as a Christian ought,

If I can bring salvation to a world once wrought,

If I can spread the message as the master taught,

Then my living will not be in vain.

Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, (Yes) not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world.

a straight path.

It's been a long time coming.

This departure to Thailand.

Steven and I have been anticipating this moment ever since we started dating 5 years ago.

I remember writing in my journal. Passionately recording my newfound dream of serving overseas someday with a man who loved and feared the Lord. God showed me that Steven would be that man.

I remember dating Steven. Coordinating Perspectives together--being inspired each week by missionary testimonies from all over the world, praying that God would give us our own story to tell. God showed us a realistic picture of life overseas.

I remember quitting teaching. Saying goodbye to the classroom, knowing that my passion was somewhere else . God showed me that He is more steadfast than a steady job.

I remember getting married. Feeling the freedom to move forward with Steven, to start making steps towards our dream. God showed us the importance of growing a solid foundation for our marriage first.

I remember being a student at Moody Bible Institute. Being grounded in Biblical truth and feeling more equipped to point others to Christ. God showed me the importance of His Word.

I remember Steven working such long hours at McHugh. Having frustrating moments at times, but learning and growing in many different areas. God showed him how to be a better leader and team player.

I remember almost joining the Traveling Team. Being so excited to be a part of a ministry that changed our lives, but then hearing a distinct "no" from God. God showed us how to listen to His voice and not our own.

I remember joining Pioneers. Attending their orientation in Florida, being so impressed with the organization and begging the Lord to lead us to the right team to serve on. God showed us how to be patient through Habakkuk 2:3. "For still the vision awaits its appointed time, it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay."

I remember almost going to Kazakhstan. Feeling drawn the the team leader and the work being done, but dreading living somewhere so dang cold. God showed us that He could call us anywhere and we must be willing.

I remember December 30th, the phone call from Hatley. Asking our family and close friends the week before to be praying for our decision to go to Kazakhstan, and then getting this call out of nowhere. God showed us the power of prayer.

I remember committing to Thailand. Being so filled with excitement and joy, praising God for giving us such a perfect opportunity to serve Him with our gifts and passions. God showed us that He is good and His ways are higher than ours.

I remember raising support. Losing sleep, worrying about all we had to do and all that God had to provide. God showed me that He is the owner of the cattle on a thousand hills and He lacks no supply.

I remember Steven losing his job. At the perfect time, with the perfect opportunity to work for his dad on the farm. The perfect transition. God showed us that His timing and plans are flawless.

I remember moving to Roanoke. Remembering the times in college where I would drive past small towns and wonder, "Who really still lives there? And why?". God showed me His sense of humor.

I remember going to training in Colorado for 6 weeks. Not knowing it would one of the richest times in our lives, learning so much about ourselves and our marriage. God showed us that none of this is possible without Him.

I remember writing up our wills, packing our suitcases, applying for life insurance, selling our cars, filling out paperwork. Thinking, "This whole going overseas thing, it isn't as glamorous as I thought it would be." God showed us that it's not about our glory, but all about His.

I remember the nights I've spent crying on Steven's shoulder. Either out of frustration, joy, or just sheer exhaustion. Going through all these experiences, the road always felt crooked, crazy and a little out of control. With each new step, the call to walk by faith was so difficult because I could never see what was beyond the next curve. As someone who likes to plan out every detail of her life, the rollercoaster that we've been on has challenged me to the core. However, God has shown me this: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5.

The truth is, while in the midst of the journey, the path does seem up and down and everywhere in between. But as I reflect back on all that has led us to this point, the path is actually quite straight. God had purposed each of those situations. And it was all part of His plan from the beginning of time.

This has been so encouraging to me. Because honestly, the journey has just begun. As I look ahead into 2011, I can't even imagine all that is to come. I'm sure more curve balls will come our way, but I starting to realize that they are only curve balls to me. God's plan is straight and purposed. Nothing will ever catch Him off-guard nor be a waste of His time.

I am so thankful to be on this straight path, right in the center of God's will. And even though we are becoming sad with having to say our goodbyes, we have a deep sense of peace that there is no place we would rather be. Praise be to God who is always with us and always for us.

Too blessed to be a blessing?

Blessed to be a blessing.

You've heard me say it before. For Steven and I, it's been a mission statement for our lives and marriage.

Lately however, I've had this taunting thought...
"Are we too blessed to be a blessing?"

At training last month, we spent a day on adversity. One of the exercises was to go through our life experiences and chart out the hard and difficult times. The purpose was to show God's goodness through the struggles while also trying to understand how we specifically react to adversity.

We heard many moving stories that day. People with Job like testimonies. Some with experiences that I could never imagine living through. And as I looked at Steven and I's puny "adversity charts", I became jealous.

Weird reaction, I know.

But seriously, the worst thing on Steven's chart was being benched his freshman year on the basketball team. Mine was my breakup with my high school boyfriend.

Lame.

Steven and I are fully aware that we do not know suffering. And while I am in awe of God's goodness towards us, sometimes it makes me feel a little guilty. And even more so, it makes me wonder if we'll be less effective because of it.

This idea was reinforced through a hard conversation with a good friend the other day. In my attempt to identify with his struggles, I probably overstepped my boundary and told him in more or less words to just "suck it up".

Note to self: That is not a good one-liner to say to someone who is hurting. Especially when you don't know their pain.

And so in his frustration with me, he reacted with some harsh words. "You think you're gonna go to Thailand and tell those people about God. Well let me tell you something, the last thing they will want to hear about is God. Those people have had hard lives filled with pain and suffering. And not only will they not want God, they won't want to hear it from a privileged girl like you who has never walked a day in their shoes."

Ouch. His words stung me to my core--not because they were hard to hear, but because I've silently had the same concern in my own heart for quite some time.

And so, I retreated to Steven and cried in his arms, asking him if it were true...

Are we are too blessed to be a blessing?

Will anyone take me seriously when I haven't gone through anything serious? It is easy for me to speak of God's steadfast love when my life has been nothing but smooth and steady. How will I explain God's faithfulness and goodness to someone who hasn't experienced it? What will I say to someone who is angry with God when I've never been?

And as I was processing these concerns to Steven, he did what he does best. Listens intently to my bundle of emotions and anxious thoughts and then gently speaks simple wisdom.

"Lauren, it's not about the messenger. It's about the message."

And with that, a sense of relief immediately came over me. He was right. I am so thankful for a husband who constantly brings me back to Truth.

"It's not about you or me. People aren't drawn to the Gospel because of the messenger. They are drawn to it because of its message of love, grace and forgiveness offered through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. It's not about the gift wrapping. It's about the gift."

Truth.

"And let's not worry about people being angry at God. Because if anyone has the right to be angry at God, it would have been Jesus Himself. Leaving His home in heaven to live among those who hated Him to die the most gruesome death of all time. All for people who still reject and deny His name. Babe, God can handle their anger and Jesus can understand their hurt. Jesus knows the deep blessing that comes from deep suffering better than anyone. It's not our battle to fight or burden to carry."

More Truth.

No more feeling guilty about this blessed life the Lord has given me. Whether immense blessing or unending suffering, it's all for the GLORY OF GOD. Who am I to rob Him of that or to doubt in His perfection and sovereignty? I must refuse to believe the lie that we are too blessed to be a blessing and instead cling to the truth that God uses all things, all people, all circumstances for His glory.

For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.... And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.

Philippians 4:11-13,19-20

A holiday treat!

Well, it's been way too long since my last post--almost a month! I think I needed some time away from all the emotion and deep processing. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it's sanctification...but man, it can be heavy!

Thanks to everyone who's been praying for us--it's been a good couple of weeks back at home. We are feeling really prepared and ready for whatever's next! Praise the Lord with us.

So to keep things *merry and bright*, I thought I'd share a delicious recipe for those who want to try something new this Christmas morning. One of my greatest joys this fall was volunteering at Mika's--Steven's aunt's coffee shop. Aunt Linda opened Mika's 6 years ago not knowing what would happen, but knowing that God had called her to this crazy venture and would see her through it. Now, Mika's is thriving--it's a warm and quaint place for people to come and drink good coffee, hang with friends, and eat great homemade food.

And mmmm....I wish all of you could taste her food. Everything she makes is simply delicious. No lie. I loved watching her in the kitchen. I would follow her around asking her thousands of questions--probably annoying her to death but being too fascinated to stop. Being at Mika's not only confirmed my love for food, but my love for loving people through food.

So, without further adieu, here's Mika's deliciously fabulous cinnamon rolls. (These suckers are so good that I had to call my mom and grandma down for the day to learn how to make them. Needless to say, Yuki was pretty darn excited.)

Mom and Grandma Yuki intensely listening to Grandma Unsicker--the cinnamon roll pro! She comes in to Mika's every Tuesday to make a couple of batches.


Grandma Unsicker telling me that "these pictures better not show up on the Internet!" Opps. Sorry, grandma!
Okay, here we go :)

In 3/4 cup warm water, dissolve 2 packages of yeast. (Aunt Linda says the yeast makes a difference, so make sure it's fresh!)

In another bowl, combine 3/4 cup sugar and 3 eggs. Next, add 1/2 cup of melted shortening, 1/4 cup of melted butter and 1 1/4 cup of milk. (Hey, I told you these were delicious. I never said they were healthy!)

Then add the yeasted water to the mixture--stir and combine. (Sorry, no picture of the combining!)

Next, in a large separate bowl, combine 6 cups of flour and 1 teaspoon of salt. (One perk of living in the country is that you have access to really random country stores. Aunt Linda uses this special type of flour that she gets from a sweet Mennonite lady--she sells the stuff, along with other baking goods, out of her home in the middle of nowhere. It was quite the scene, I'm sure, when my Asian-self pulled up to her "store" one fall afternoon... Old Mennonite lady with a bonnet, meet young Asian-suburban girl in a cute sundress. Yikes.)
Anyway, the flour is a high gluten flour. It's really fluffy--similar to the consistency after sifting. I think this is the secret to what makes the cinnamon rolls so light and scrumptious.
(Here Grandma Yuki is inspecting this new type of flour...)


Now add flour a cup at a time to yeast mixture and mix until thoroughly incorporated.

Kneed mixture until semi-smooth.


Keep going....


Once the dough isn't sticky and seems to keep its shape pretty well...


...transfer it over to a buttered bowl. Cover it and place it in a warm spot--it needs to rise for about an hour!


Intermission: While the dough was rising, Grandma Yuki took it upon herself to pass out her homemade caramel popcorn to everyone and make new friends with anyone that walked into Mika's! Gotta love her.


Back to the rolls...
Once the dough has finished rising, roll it out in a rectangle, about 24 inches by 10 inches, and to a thickness of 1/4 to 1/2 inch.


Brush dough with melted butter.


In a bowl combine 3/4 cup sugar, 1/2 cup brown sugar and 4 teaspoons of cinnamon. Sprinkle mixture over melted butter.


Along long side of the rectangle roll dough up, like a rug.


Trim ends and slice roll into rounds about 1/2 to 3/4 inch thick. (You should get around 14 rolls.)


Dip both sides of rounds in cinnamon-sugar mixture and arrange on a grease sheet pan.


Cover and let rise for 30 to 40 minutes. Bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes or until golden. Cool and then frost with your favorite homemade butter cream frosting.

And then of course, ENJOY!!!!!!!


As you could probably tell, it was a hesed-filled day. Two grandma's in the kitchen, sharing stories and old recipes...it just doesn't get any better than that.


A big thanks to Mika's and Aunt Linda for allowing us to take over the kitchen--it is a forever memory for us Ishikawa girls!


With Christmas fast-approaching, I hope we can all take time away from the busyness of life and get in the kitchen with the people we love. Whether it's baking Christmas cookies, making Christmas Eve dinner, or trying out this fabulous cinnamon roll recipe, may you cherish the sweet moments and tastes with your loved ones this holiday season.