His grace is sufficient

This morning I got the call.

Mom and dad were on their way to say goodbye to grandpa.  In just a few short hours, his condition had worsened to the point where they didn't know if he'd make it through the night.  Mom had called to tell me that it was happening and that it was time to let him go.

I've thought about this moment a lot.  And not just in the past couple of months.  My grandpa, my beloved tender-hearted soul, was the one person I was always afraid of losing.  Whenever a "mourning" song would come on the radio, tears would begin to fall as I thought about what it would be like to lose him.  Whenever I attended a funeral, my heart would break thinking about the day that it would be my grandpa's turn.  And when I boarded the plane to come to Thailand, his passing was the one exception I had made up in my mind to return home for.

But now that time is here.

And I'm not returning home.  And although this is not at all what I expected, God's grace has been sufficient.  His power made perfect in my weakness.

The decision to not return home wasn't an easy one, or a pretty one for that matter.  It was gut-wrenchingly hard with many emotions and tears to sort through.  It was something that Steven and I talked about for hours, something I prayed about endlessly, and something I felt was beyond my control.  And even though there were millions of thoughts running through my head at once, I kept coming back to just one.

I felt this slight and gentle nudge from the Lord... promising that He would walk with me through this process.  That I could trust Him to be my support and to be my source of strength.  I felt like God was telling me that He would mourn with me and that He would hold me like never before.

His grace is sufficient.

When my mom called to tell me the news, I didn't become hysterical.  I was somehow able to hold it together.  (This is not normal.)  To my surprise, I kept my composure and encouraged her as she prepared to say goodbye.  I told her that she was the only one who had been where grandpa was going, that she knew more than anybody the joy and peace he would soon feel.  I told her that now was the time to get grandpa excited to meet His King.  The peace I felt in that moment, the moment I had dreaded most of my life, was supernatural.  There was a deep calm within my heart that was then able to offer strength to my mom.

His grace is sufficient.  His power made perfect in my weakness.

About an hour later, it was my turn to say goodbye.  Mom tried to prepare me and told me that grandpa was pretty out of it.  He just wasn't responding and was really tired from having the whole family there.  So as my mom put me on speaker for him to hear, all I could get out was, "Gpa...".  There was just so much I wanted to say.  So many feelings happening within me all at once, I didn't know if I'd have enough strength to get anything else out.  But as I saw the opportunity slipping away, my mom interjected and said, "Lauren!  He's  s m i l i n g.  SO BIG.  He knows it's you."  And that was all I needed.  I was then able to say what I wanted to say, telling him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him every day.  I was able to tell him that I was excited for him to be with Jesus and that I couldn't wait to see him again real soon.  And as I kept talking, I could hear my mom and my aunts reacting in the background... "Oh my gosh, do you see that smile?  He hasn't smiled like that all day...  I can actually see all his teeth!  Lauren, he looks so happy."

What a sweet, sweet moment for me.

I always knew my grandpa and I shared this unexplainable bond.  How grateful I am that God allowed me to experience it one last time in such a significant way.  Thank you, Jesus.

So now, we wait.  I am dreading the next call to come, knowing that it'll probably mean he's gone.  But I am clinging to Jesus.  Thanking Him for the ways in which He has already given me moments of grace and then claiming His promise that He'll continue to do so.

May the love and grace of God rest upon me tonight and welcome my Gpa home...