Defining success.

Woa, where did the month of February go?  (Okay, I know... it was mostly spent enjoying the amazing 2 weeks we had with my parents here!  You can click here to see our many adventures...)  But really, it seemed like yesterday we were just celebrating Christmas and now all of a sudden March is here?!  Crazy how that happens.

Much to our surprise, as the time flew by us, we found ourselves catapulted into our second year in Thailand.  Just like that. Year One was down and we had suddenly crossed over into Year Número Dos. (See mom? I haven't forgotten all my Spanish...)  

You'd think the transition wouldn't have been that big a deal... I mean, we've transitioned lots of times before.  Marriage, Chicago, Roanoke, Thailand.  Going from Year One to Year Two should've be easy--we weren't even moving anywhere for goodness sakes!  But to be perfectly honest, it really hasn't been an easy transition.  It's been rather hard.

Because in Year Two...

I feel all this pressure.  

With a year under our belt, I feel like we should be so much further along.  It feels like now people are looking at us and thinking, "Gosh, they've been there a year and they haven't really done anything."  All of a sudden, it's like all this grace and patience was taken up from me and the only thing left was a critical eye.

You're still learning language?

You haven't seen anyone come to know Jesus?

Where's the successful business you were supposed to start?

What are you really doing there anyway?

It is no secret that Steven and I struggle with this need to feel productive.  We find worth, too much so, in what we're doing and how much we can "accomplish".  I make check lists just so I can see how many things I can cross off.  Steven builds things, knowing he'll have something beautiful to show off at the end of it.

But then God sent us to Thailand.  And convinced us that we must know Thai and we must know it well.  He's convicted us to take a long term approach and just "hunker down" and learn this difficult language.  Basically, He pulled us out of our comfort zone of productivity and placed us in one of the slowest processes of all.  There have been days that I look over at Steven and my heart just breaks for him.  I know he misses working with his hands.  I know he misses feeling like a leader and organizing projects and jobs.  I see how frustrated he gets, but how he never complains and just works harder.  And when I hear him pray to God every night for the language to "stick in his brain" while he sleeps, I know just how much faith this is taking for him.

I wish it could go faster.  

I wish we could've crossed "language learning" off our list a long time ago.

I wish we could write really cool newsletters with all this amazing stuff God's done through our ministry.

I wish Year Two didn't feel so ambiguous.

I wish Year One felt more successful.

And as I've been processing all of these unhealthy emotions and false expectations (yes, I've realized these thoughts are not good...), God led me to read this the other day:

"It is no accident you are where you are.  And it is not necessarily a problem that you are not where you assume you ought to be.  God is very much in control.  He works all things to the good of those who are "called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  His vision for your life is his purpose.

God is using your circumstances to prepare you to accomplish his vision for your life.  Your present circumstances are part of the vision.  You are not wasting your time.  You are not spinning your wheels.  You are not wandering in the wilderness.  If you are "seeking first" His kingdom where you are, then where you are is where he has positioned you.  And he has positioned you there with a purpose in mind.

You are a success every day you get up and show up for duty.  Every day of faithfulness where you are, with what you have, is a successful day.  Rewarding? Maybe.  Successful? Absolutely."

*Above quotes were taken from a chapter in Andy Stanley's book, Visioneering

Goodness.  I felt like Andy was talking directly to me.  (Does that ever happen to anyone else?!)  It was exactly what I needed to jolt my brain and heart back into sync with God's.  It always amazes me how easily my pride gets in the way and consequently follows after man.  After reading that, I realized how consumed I was becoming with my own image and what others thought of me.  Because the reality is, God doesn't necessarily care what I'm doing, but rather in who I'm becoming.  God doesn't look back at our Year One and think of us as failures.  He sees that we have walked by faith and trusted in God's power probably more than ever.  He sees our hard work in language and counts it valuable for His Kingdom.  He hears Steven's prayers and is delighted that Steven's no longer relying on his own abilities, but on God's.  He doesn't see the year as a wasted year, but as a fruitful time where His children have grown in His likeness.

I think maybe, just maybe, God sees our Year One as a success.

But I don't think it ends with me and Steven.  The reason why I decided to publicly write my irrational thoughts (although I suppose that's what this entire blog is about...), is because I think this is something everyone struggles with.  Or at least can relate with.  We're always so busy looking ahead to the next best thing, that we often feel like where God has us now is just wasted time.  Far too often we measure our value and success based on the results we get.  But I think we need to challenge ourselves with this thought:  Success is remaining faithful to the process God has laid out for us.  It's less about the results and so much more about the process.  God can get the results He wants with or without our help.  What He's interested in is the sanctification process in all of us and the working it out day by day.  Is a mom successful the day her child graduates college?  No.  She's successful every day she gets up and loves, teaches, disciplines and serves her child.  It's not the end goal that's important, it's the every (little, mundane) day leading up to it.  I need to do a better job of living in the freedom that this brings.  The freedom in knowing that each day lived for the Kingdom of God--in the here and now, with whatever God has for me-- is the most successful day I could ever have.