Why.

A word I have been asking myself a lot today. A word I ponder most days. But today, today is different. Today I can't get it out of my mind.

Why God? Why Haiti? Why a country who is already so weak, so crushed, so broken? Why so many lives taken? Why....

It's days like today that the suffering in the world just screams at me. Most days I ignore it. Or forget. Or don't pay attention. Or don't care. But today, I couldn't help but silently cry in my car as my heart broke about Haiti. I tried to put myself there. I tried to just imagine the desperation, the pain, the injustice, the fear. The thing is, I couldn't. Who am I kidding? My life has been nothing but pampered-how could I possibly put myself in their shoes? How could I ever truly know how this woman feels? I started crying a little harder.

Why. Why God? Why me? Why am I so incredibly blessed when so many others are not? Why have I been protected from so much suffering when most know nothing but hurt? Why wasn't I born in Haiti? Why....

This is not the first time I have questioned why God chose to bless me so abundantly. And I'm not just talking about money. Most everyone who is reading this has been blessed in that way. I'm talking about everything that has made up my life to this point.

I realized my unique and blessed life as a little girl, always wondering what it would be like if I had been born into a different situation. Maybe an orphan in Africa. Maybe a child solider. Maybe a slave to the sex trafficking industry. But I wasn't. Yes, I have had an easy life. A really easy life.

I come from an amazing family. My parents love each other and are actually really cute together. I know their love for me runs deep, maybe even a little too deep. I grew up in a safe environment, my parents taught me of God's love at a young age and I was a happy little girl (except when forced to eat all my vegetables...which I still haven't really recovered from, but whatever)

I loved high school. I have always had good friends. I got to go to the college of my dreams and go for "free" (THANKS DAD.)

I married, what I believe, the best man in the world. Turns out, his family is one of the greatest, too. We have two cars, two great jobs, two soft pillows to lay our heads at night. We have never had to go a day without food, never been without comforts, never even lost a loved one. To me, suffering is having to leave our comfy apartment to do laundry in the basement.

I do not know suffering. Not in the least bit.

So, what does a girl, who knows only blessings, do when suffering is screaming all around her?

I don't know.

I don't know if I'll ever figure it out or be at peace with it all. But here is what I do know so far: God wants me to use my blessings to bless the world. This is the purpose behind the blessings. Not for me, but for the world. I repeat. Not for me, but for the world. Jesus says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I think He's talking to me here. I am to somehow use my blessings to impact those around me--near and far. In reality, all my blessings are not really mine anyway. They are God's. I did nothing to deserve them. They are purely examples of God's mercy towards me. So, it seems simple enough. I've been entrusted with a whole bunch, which means now I'm responsible to do a whole bunch.

But this is where it gets even messier for me. (insert more crying here) How do I actually give what I've been given? I could write a check. Haiti needs money right now. But writing a check seems too easy and far too distant. I could pray. Lord knows Haiti is a dark place that has always needed a lot prayer. But honestly, I'll pray for maybe 30 minutes and then I'll move on. I could do a lot of things--but will I do any? And will it be enough?

Maybe that's why it appeals to me to go overseas. Maybe then I can see the suffering. Taste it. Touch it. Live it. Weep for it. Maybe that will give me more answers on how to give all that Jesus demands of me. Maybe Jesus is saying that I need to give my life to the suffering. I don't know.


Today, unfortunately, is a day that doesn't end with a full or complete thought. I still have so many more questions. So many more whys. But for now, I hurt for the woman in the picture. For her family, for her friends, for her country. I pray for her, her family, her friends, her country. And I remind myself that God's hesed is the same for everyone. All His children. I can't imagine how much more He hurt and wept for her today.