I throw a lot of stones.

I pretend that I don't, but I do. I pretend that I love, but I don't. I throw A LOT of stones.

My last massacre took place just last night. Here's the scene:

Walked into a church.
Stone #1: "How much did it cost to build this church? Probably way too much. You want to give to the poor? How about spending half of the money it took to build this place and give it to the sick and the dying right across the street."

Observed people drinking coffee and visiting with friends.
Stone #2: "Why are they here? To worship God? Or to be a consumer?"

Found myself surrounded by beautiful people. No joke, like every single person I saw was really pretty. And not just any kind of pretty, I'm talking about "Abercrombie & Fitch model" kinda of pretty. It seemed so odd to me that so many good-looking people could be in one place. I was really uncomfortable.
Stone #3 (and maybe the worst of all): "These pretty people can't really love God. They're just here to find a boyfriend or girlfriend."

Sat down for the service. The music starts, it's beautiful. The lights on the stage change color. Again, beautiful. The lyrics come up on the big screen with a serene background. Beautiful.
Stone #4: I can't concentrate. I'm struggling. "What is this? Worship? Or a concert?"

You see where this is going. I'm ashamed to even write this stuff. I'm even more ashamed to admit that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Jesus says in John 8:7 "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." Jesus is addressing the crowd of people who want to stone this woman who was caught in adultery. Jesus' response is brilliant. How can these people, sinful in their own ways, be the judge of someone who is just like them? No one has the right to throw stones, except for Jesus. He had no sin. He could have stoned her and been perfectly justified in doing so. But, He didn't. He extended love and grace.

I throw stones. I don't extend love and grace. Yet another painful example of my failed pursuit of showing God's hesed.

It gets worse. Not only am I guilty of throwing stones, I am guilty of being a total hypocrite. Matthew 7:3-5: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

Let's go back to last night's scene.
Speck #1: "How much did it cost to build this church? Probably way too much. You want to give to the poor? How about spending half of the money it took to build this place and give it to the sick and the dying right across the street."
PLANK #1: No more than 10 minutes prior, I had just bought a $30 dollar winter hat that I did not need. (I have 5 others in my closet at home. But this one was really cute. And new. Totally justified. Ha, ya right.) Worse yet, on the way out of the store, I passed up a homeless guy asking if I had any money to buy him a cup of coffee on this freezing winter's night. I lied, in my cute new hat, and said I had no money.

Speck #2: "Why are they here? To worship God? Or to be a consumer?"
PLANK #2: Lauren, why are YOU here? To worship God? Or to judge and puff yourself up?

Speck #3: "These pretty people can't really love God. They're just here to find a boyfriend or girlfriend."
PLANK #3: I told a friend after the service that I was intimidated by all the pretty people at this church. Her reply, "Oh Lauren, don't be! You look just like everybody else!" Zing. I.look.just.like.everyone.I.was.judging. I looked down at what I was wearing. North Face jacket, UGG boots, a new sweater, one of my 10 jeans, and my new hat. Crap.

The best part about the analogy of the speck and the plank is what Jesus says right before; "Judge not, that you be not judged. For the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you." I feel like I just got a good taste of that. I judge, yet I am no different. I cast stones when stones should be cast at me. I am so busy looking at the little bit of sin in other people when I am consumed by the same sin in my life. The people I judge the most are the people most similar to me. That's crazy. That's stupid. It doesn't make sense.

Or maybe it does. Maybe the reason why I was so uncomfortable last night is because it was a place that was all too familiar. It was a place where I saw my own sin in a tangible way. It was a scary place for me--a place maybe I'm not strong enough to be in.

All this to say, I am broken by my ugliness. I am guilty for taking on a role that I was never intended to have. God is the judge, not me. I need to leave that job to Him. I repent for the people I have hurt through my quick scrutiny. This is not hesed--toward God nor toward others.

It's days like this that the grace of God overwhelms me. Even though I fail time and time again, His mercies really ARE new every morning. Thank God for this. And thank God He doesn't throw stones.