To those overseas moms...

I'm writing this blog today for all the moms out there.  Specifically, the overseas moms.  And even more specifically, the overseas moms of little ones.

I have lots of things to tell you (and myself).  Important things like you're doing a great job, you're so incredibly strong, you're significant.  You. have. value.  

But maybe most importantly, I want to tell you that you're doing enough.  More than enough.

It's an emotional thing for me.  The crossroads where motherhood and missionary intersect.  I feel it deeply.  Daily.  It humbles me, confuses me, awakens me, challenges me.  It's a continual balancing act and yearning in my soul as I try to make sense of my role, my call, my life. 

I came to Thailand because I wanted to be a part of change.  Change for good.  Lasting change for the Kingdom of God.  I wanted to be in on the action, to be up close and personal with the calling, to make a difference, to live for the eternal.  I've never really been okay with being on the sidelines (and probably never will) and I actually like that about myself.  It doesn't bode well when I try to fit myself into the stereotypical submissive, passive, quiet godly wife, but I've seldom longed to be that.  I crave strength, determination and independence.  It's one of the things Steven loves most about me.  I'm a woman of conviction with enough stubbornness to see things through.

I'm guessing a lot of overseas moms are the same way.  Our personalities differ, yes.  But the convictions that got us here are eerily similar.  Few and far between are the women who are here just because their husbands want to be.  The reality is, we want to be here too.  We have dreams.  We have ideas.  We have just as much of a calling.

And here's where it gets tough: For the overseas mom, our expectations of ourselves and our calling seldom become reality.  (Gulp.  That's such a hard pill to swallow. I cry just typing that sentence...)  The truth is, our lives aren't exactly what we envisioned.  One one hand, we love being a mom.  We love being able to stay at home with our kids and delight in the significant role that God has placed us in.  But we also feel this tug, this nagging sense that we should be doing more.  (After all, that's why we're here.)  We want to do ministry, we want to keep up with our husbands, we want to work alongside of them and be involved.  But that takes time and energy that we just don't have.  Language learning, grocery shopping, meeting with local people, disciplining our kids, doing ministry, cooking dinner, writing newsletters, showering, seeking community, cleaning, visa runs, taking our kids to the park, the list goes on... It often feels like we have two-full time jobs with little support or understanding from the outside world.  It's a tall order, only put on by ourselves, but a tall order nonetheless.

I remember crying on the couch to my dear friend right after I had William.  The reality of juggling motherhood with ministry was just so overwhelming.  I was crying to her saying, "I didn't move all the way to Thailand just to sit on the couch and feed William all day."  There was so much tension in those words.  They were hard to get out and even harder to admit.  Was I a bad mother because I wanted more?  Or was I a bad missionary for sitting there all day with my newborn son?  Either way, I was failing at something.  At the time it seemed like a death of a dream, even though I wasn't even sure what my dream was anymore.  "I might as well go home then."  This became the voice in my head and the ache within my heart.  Because the truth was, if I was "just" going to be a mom (and I don't say that lightly or take that for granted), I wanted to do it at home.  If I wasn't going to be at the front lines, I didn't see a point in being here at all.  I was just wasting people's money.  Wasting time.  And wasting the opportunity to be close to my family. 

I think that's the hardest part of being an overseas mom.  Just like any other mom out there, your life is crazy.  You're trying to survive the days without pulling out your hair, or yelling at your kids, or displacing your frustrations on your husband.  And you're doing it all while making huge sacrifices.  The sacrifice of living on support and feeling responsible to more people than you can remember.  The sacrifice of your kids never seeing their grandparents.  The sacrifice of being able to call your mom to just come over to help you.  The sacrifice of feeling stupid when you can't even hold a conversation at the market because you haven't studied language in so long.  The sacrifice of navigating a different culture and releasing your idol of getting things done quickly and easily.  The sacrifice of your self-worth and self identity.  The sacrifice of so many things all while you sacrifice the one thing that made it all worth it; your calling.

This is part of the journey I've been on the last 18 months.  And as I look ahead to life with (hopefully) more kids, I see the road only become harder, curvier, longer.  But I can write this blog today because I am painfully learning to lay down my pride, love myself and rest in the truth that I am doing enough.  And I want other moms to know it too. 

I want other overseas moms out there to know that your role is significant.  That your husband couldn't do the things he's doing without you.  He needs you.  Your family needs you.  And because of that, the world needs you.  In my struggle last year, I almost made my husband pack things up and take us home.  When you've made a choice as a couple to live this kind of life, you both have to be all in.  It just doesn't work any other way.  I can't be here without Steven.  And he can't be here without me.  And as I saw how much my role as a wife and mother affected our ability to be here last year, I unexpectedly realized just how valuable I was.  As I serve and love my family, my family can serve and love those around us.  It is foundational to our health, our success and our vision in being here.  By taking care of the seemingly insignificant and mundane things, I empower my husband to do some really cool things.  And suddenly that doesn't seem so insignificant to me.  Suddenly, my independent-stubborn self can feel the joy and freedom that can come in submission.  It's a first for me.  And something so valuable and really beautiful.

So to all the moms out there, keep your heads up.  You are doing exactly what you should be doing.  You are world changers every day.  And that is definitely enough.