Yesterday was just one of those days.
They always come out of nowhere. It's annoying how they can completely catch me off guard and then send me in this downward spiral. You would think I would be used to it by now. Almost 3 years in, you'd assume I'd find ways of coping and dealing with these kinds of days.
...
Yesterday was just one of those days where all I wanted to do was cook with my mom and prepare thanksgiving dinner with her. I just wanted to laugh with her, learn from her and build more memories with her. Even though there's technology, I still miss her every day.
Yesterday was just one of those days that I regretted missing my grandpa's funeral and could no longer ignore this deep ache and yearning to see him just one more time. I had a dream the other night that he was sitting under a beautiful fall tree and I heard his deep, gentle voice call out to me. I woke up so disappointed. Some days I just don't have the patience to wait until heaven to embrace him.
And yesterday, as a gazed at my beautiful baby boy, I felt this small, yet sharp pang of guilt. As people start preparing for the holidays, I realized that William will miss out on much of the joy and excitement that surrounds this "most wonderful time of the year". Singing Christmas carols, experiencing a snow fall, opening presents with our families on Christmas morning. Somewhere along the way, my wonderful Christmas memories have turned into painful reminders of what William won't have.
Sigh.
Yesterday was just one of those days where I was so very very homesick.
I used to get mad at myself when I felt this way. I thought that God was disappointed in me, as if it showed a lack of devotion and love for Him. Every time I was homesick, I tried to tell myself that "I shouldn't feel that way" and to "suck it up". Didn't I love God? Yes. Didn't other people have it worse? Yes. Wasn't I being a baby? Yes. This led to guilt, which led to anger, which ultimately left me bitter. A bitter heart towards myself. Towards people in America. Towards Steven. And most of all, a bitter heart towards God.
But, I don't think that's true anymore. And I'm thankful for the much needed freedom that comes from that. Amidst my sin and selfishness, God continually offers me much grace. Especially on hard days like yesterday.
It wasn't too long ago that Steven and I made the decision to stay in Thailand. To say it was a hard and painful decision would be a complete understatement. It tore us up and almost apart. Friends and family often ask me what . the . heck . happened. Seeing the state we were in this summer, almost everyone thought we were done. What had changed?
And the only way I know how to explain it is that I felt intimately cared for by God. As soon as we landed back in Thailand, I just felt... Him. He was all around and in all things. I couldn't ignore it. Everywhere I turned, in every situation, I felt Him saying, "I see you, Lauren. I see you."
And that's how I knew we were supposed to stay. Not because everything was better and certainly not because I was no longer homesick. It was because, despite those things, I knew God saw me and cared for me. He wasn't going leave me to continue down this road alone. He was right there, encouraging me and fighting for me. My God, the infinite God of the Universe, was paying attention to me and choosing to care for my needs. How incredibly humbling.
And so, with yesterday just being one of those days, I was reminded of my continual need to remember the ways in which I've felt seen. To not only put things into perspective, but to reclaim in my soul the love and grace God has so lavishly shown me. May I frequent this post with a thankful heart so when hard days creep in again, I can cling to these beautiful and visible truths.
They always come out of nowhere. It's annoying how they can completely catch me off guard and then send me in this downward spiral. You would think I would be used to it by now. Almost 3 years in, you'd assume I'd find ways of coping and dealing with these kinds of days.
...
Yesterday was just one of those days where all I wanted to do was cook with my mom and prepare thanksgiving dinner with her. I just wanted to laugh with her, learn from her and build more memories with her. Even though there's technology, I still miss her every day.
Yesterday was just one of those days that I regretted missing my grandpa's funeral and could no longer ignore this deep ache and yearning to see him just one more time. I had a dream the other night that he was sitting under a beautiful fall tree and I heard his deep, gentle voice call out to me. I woke up so disappointed. Some days I just don't have the patience to wait until heaven to embrace him.
And yesterday, as a gazed at my beautiful baby boy, I felt this small, yet sharp pang of guilt. As people start preparing for the holidays, I realized that William will miss out on much of the joy and excitement that surrounds this "most wonderful time of the year". Singing Christmas carols, experiencing a snow fall, opening presents with our families on Christmas morning. Somewhere along the way, my wonderful Christmas memories have turned into painful reminders of what William won't have.
Sigh.
Yesterday was just one of those days where I was so very very homesick.
I used to get mad at myself when I felt this way. I thought that God was disappointed in me, as if it showed a lack of devotion and love for Him. Every time I was homesick, I tried to tell myself that "I shouldn't feel that way" and to "suck it up". Didn't I love God? Yes. Didn't other people have it worse? Yes. Wasn't I being a baby? Yes. This led to guilt, which led to anger, which ultimately left me bitter. A bitter heart towards myself. Towards people in America. Towards Steven. And most of all, a bitter heart towards God.
But, I don't think that's true anymore. And I'm thankful for the much needed freedom that comes from that. Amidst my sin and selfishness, God continually offers me much grace. Especially on hard days like yesterday.
It wasn't too long ago that Steven and I made the decision to stay in Thailand. To say it was a hard and painful decision would be a complete understatement. It tore us up and almost apart. Friends and family often ask me what . the . heck . happened. Seeing the state we were in this summer, almost everyone thought we were done. What had changed?
And the only way I know how to explain it is that I felt intimately cared for by God. As soon as we landed back in Thailand, I just felt... Him. He was all around and in all things. I couldn't ignore it. Everywhere I turned, in every situation, I felt Him saying, "I see you, Lauren. I see you."
And that's how I knew we were supposed to stay. Not because everything was better and certainly not because I was no longer homesick. It was because, despite those things, I knew God saw me and cared for me. He wasn't going leave me to continue down this road alone. He was right there, encouraging me and fighting for me. My God, the infinite God of the Universe, was paying attention to me and choosing to care for my needs. How incredibly humbling.
And so, with yesterday just being one of those days, I was reminded of my continual need to remember the ways in which I've felt seen. To not only put things into perspective, but to reclaim in my soul the love and grace God has so lavishly shown me. May I frequent this post with a thankful heart so when hard days creep in again, I can cling to these beautiful and visible truths.
Doing life with our best friends: Upon returning to Thailand, Liv left this in our room. It was accompanied by a heartfelt note saying that, "No matter the potential craziness that lies ahead, we are excited to walk through this hard time with you and we want you clearly knowing we love you dearly and sincerely."
What more could you ask for?
Being reunited with Pawn: I don't know if she will ever know how much she means to us and how much she has impacted our lives. The way she serves our family, how she loves William and the friend she has been to me... there are just no words. I couldn't be in Thailand without her.
Thailand's beauty: Steven and I escaped into the mountains one day to this secluded pool. As we sat there, taking in the breathtaking view, we couldn't believe that we lived here. I believe Steven's words were, "I mean, some people save up their whole lives to visit a place like this! And this is our home!" It's true. Thailand is absolutely beautiful and we are blessed to live in such an amazing place.
Our team: Despite the ups and downs of life, we have team leaders and teammates who ultimately care for US. We trust that they truly love us, care for us and want us to go where God leads.
What deep peace that gives us.
A flexible baby: William has experienced a lot in his 1 year of life. What a blessing to have a baby who sleeps well, eats well, goes to anyone, plays with anything, etc.
The opportunity to use my love for cooking: At least once a week, I get to teach a house helper how to cook some of my favorite recipes. How life-giving. My grandma would be so proud. :)
My Thailand bestie: Bonnie. Love her, appreciate her, need her. She was my answer to prayer when I needed a friend last year. And not just any friend... a deep, soul-connected,
"we-just-get-eachother" friend.
Seeing Steven use his gifts: Even though he has a lot on his plate and it can be stressful at times, I absolutely love seeing Steven create. He's excited, fulfilled and sleeps well at night. :) As a wife, it just does something for my soul. I'm so blessed to watch God do a work in Steven and in Expat Homes.
Our mentors: God placed Jen and Buddy in our lives at a crucial point and have since become so incredibly special to us. They have challenged us, loved us, served us and supported us in more ways than we could count. We're grateful.
Family support: We know that it is hard on our families that we are so far, but they always try their hardest to makes us feel included and loved. They call to sing William "Happy Birthday!", send packages, send emails & texts and make long trips across the ocean to come visit. I suppose that's why I often get homesick... you would too if you had families like ours. :)
Lauren, you have beautifully written everything that is in my heart as well....miss you terribly my baby girl!!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are back to blogging!!!! Thanks for sharing your heart...it is a beautiful one indeed :) I love you friend and love hearing about your life and adventures!
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