obedience OVER sacrifice.

"Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice." 1 Samuel 15:22

I've been chewing on this verse for the past month or so. To obey is better than sacrifice...what does that mean? And why is obedience better? Doesn't God love sacrifice? Doesn't He call us to live, love and spend ourselves sacrificially?

I didn't get it.

The verse just didn't sit well with me either. For some reason it kind of felt like a BIG slap in the face. And here's why.

Lately, I can't stop thinking about the sacrifice. It's all around me, everywhere I look. As we get closer and closer to Thailand, the sacrifices get bigger and bigger. It seems like they're constantly in my face, almost screaming at me.

When Steven and I are at our support meeting with grandma and grandpa Sauder and grandpa Sauder starts crying. When he tells us, through his tears, that his true desire is for us to come back and take over the farm... Sacrifice in my face.

When I tell my grandpa, my most favorite person in the whole world, that we'll be gone for 3 years and don't plan on coming home. When he shakes his head with sadness and tells me in his low, gentle voice, "Lauren...I miss you every day. Don't go..." Sacrifice in my face. (insert crying here)


When I see this beautiful face. Knowing that I won't see her grow up and that she probably won't know her Auntie Lauren and Uncle Steven... Sacrifice in my face.

When we are raising support for everything--our income, our insurance, our housing, our food, our transportation, our clothing--and letting go of our comfortable jobs... Sacrifice in my face.

When I see all my friends having babies and knowing that expanding our family is not something we will be doing for quite some time... Sacrifice in my face.

When I drive by that perfect yellow house with white shutters and a big porch, telling myself that I may never even have a house someday... Sacrifice in my face.

And when I think about boarding the plane. The plane that will take me half way around the world--away from my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my family, my friends, my comforts, and all that I love--my heart starts to hurt, big tears start to fall and the overwhelming sacrifice is right there, in my face.

That is why I've been chewing over that verse for the past month and why it's felt like such a big slap in the face. What do you mean, God? How can obedience really be better than sacrifice? Don't my sacrifices mean anything?

But then it hit me.

Sacrifice is all about me. Obedience is all about God. Sacrifice is giving myself glory. Obedience is giving all glory to God. And maybe that's why.

Maybe that's why God desires obedience over sacrifice.

Because with sacrifice comes entitlement. It's almost as if I thought God now owed me something because of all that I was sacrificing for Him. Wrong. It doesn't work that way. And when I stopped and thought about it, I had basically been telling God "If I give up all these things, Thailand better be awesome. You better bless everything we do and You better make all this worth it." What a great attitude, huh?

When God called Abraham to sacrifice his one and only son, he radically and whole-heartedly obeyed. He didn't mull over the HUGE sacrifice God was calling him to make. He just did it. Abraham knew that it wasn't about him, but that it was all about serving and following God. Abraham knew and lived obedience over sacrifice.

And so I'm learning. I'm learning to ask God to change my mentality. To help my heart know that it's not about the sacrifices I am making. Yes, they're hard. Yes, they're still a reality. But I need to have a more "it's not about me and all about Him" mentality. I'm learning that I'm no one special or super-spiritual just because I'm going to Thailand. I'm learning that I'm just obeying the Word of God and going where I know He has called me to go. Simple as that. I'm learning to see my self-righteous and self-indulged attitude as deep sin and asking for forgiveness and a new selfless focus. I'm learning about obedience.

My "sacrifices" were just my way of childishly complaining all the way to Thailand. But I don't want to be that child. I just want to be His little one that simply follows her Daddy's voice.