open for suggestion.

Hi. My name is Lauren Sauder and I have a problem.

I'm tired. (Okay, that may not seem like a "problem", but I promise it is.)

When anyone ever asks me how I'm doing these days, that's my typical response.

"Oh, I'm good. I'm just so tired."

Seriously, if you just looked at my calendar it would probably make you tired too. For example, in the month of April there were only 3 days that Steven and I didn't have something marked in. It's true. Whether it's having someone over for dinner after work, a meeting at church, or a support appointment out in the suburbs, the Sauders are constantly on the go. Now, I don't say that to brag about our popularity because, well, that would be just silly. We are far from popular. I say it more as a confession: We are far too busy and it's starting to get to me.

It's a confession that my tiredness is a sign of my sinfulness.

I admit, it's my own fault that I'm so tired. And it's my own fault that my poor husband is so exhausted too. You see, I make it this way. I plan our life in a full throttle, all or nothing, "let's get the job done and move on" kinda of way. And it's exasperating. Even if we do manage to have a quiet night at home, it never ends up feeling that way. Either I feel guilty that we aren't doing anything or I'm busy thinking of what needs to get done next and nagging Steven of his "to-do" list.

Gee, don't I sound fun? (I told you I had a problem.)

The truth of the matter is that I've lived this way for quite some time and I've always thought of it as a good thing. I like feeling the sense of accomplishment when I can cross things off my list or when I look back on all the things we did last month. I take pride, too much so, in the fact that I'm not a lazy person who struggles with procrastination or complacency. Yes, I even pat myself on the back frequently for this "go-getter" attitude of mine.

Woohoo, way to go me.

But lately, life has started to catch up with me. And in my attempt to work hard at raising full support so we can be on our way to Thailand, I have completely exhausted myself.

And my sin has been fully exposed.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
~Matthew 11:28-30

My sin is that I live in direct opposition to this invitation from Jesus.

He says, "Come to me and I will give you rest."
But I say, "No. I can do it myself."
Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I say, "No it's not. There's so much wrong in the world, so much pain, so much to do, so much to fix. Your burden is so heavy."

And because of that, I act as if I am God...or maybe just that I don't need God. I act as if I don't trust God...or maybe just that I have more faith in myself. I act as a prideful person who wants all the glory...or maybe just as someone who's too impatient to wait for God to do the work. Regardless, no matter how I look at it, it's sinful and wrong.

And the bottom line remains the same: I love being busy, taking matters into my own hands and out of God's. And I don't know how to stop.

You see, my problem is not new to me. I've known for quite some time now that I struggle with this. But here's the hard part: I don't know how to change. Jesus says that faith without works is dead. But then He also rebukes Martha for being too busy to rest in Him. How do I love God and serve Him wholeheartedly without feeling like His burden is so much to bear?

I don't know how to balance the two. And to no surprise, I've never been good with balance in my life. Obviously, I know the alternative--the other side of the scale. It's to slow down, not take as much on, spend time with the Lord, learn how to love Him without being a busy body. All good things.

But honestly, and really honestly, I think I view those things as mere excuses. Excuses to being lazy. Excuses to living comfortably. Excuses to ignore God's calling for your life. Excuses to doing nothing.

And there within me lies the problem. I'd rather be a tired person living out my convictions than a lazy one who just talks about them. As wrong as that may be, it's why I stay the way I am. It's why I don't know how to stop being busy. It's why I don't know how to change.

And so, there it is. A confession that my tiredness is a definite problem that is in need of some serious intervention. I know this is something that sleep won't fix. It's a matter of the heart, a cycle I have created and not let go of. So, I'm open for suggestion. Or prayer. Or rebuke. Or all of the above. Anything that will show me how to truly rest in a healthy and fruitful way in the Lord.